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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me get through this Xmas

81 replies

Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 10:33

I am starting a new thread "I am not sure I can take this anymore" Sorry I do not know how to link, but feel that title is now longer relevant.

Basically after 20 years I finally had enough and threw my useless, heavy drinking, sponging, EA asshole of a partner out. We have a 13 yr old DS tog, he has been a terrible father and extremely unkind to him, if I am honest it took sitting in my DS counseling session and seeing the shock on her face and outrage that I finally had the courage to end it all. I have obviously normalised everything for so long. DS and his dad have not seen each other since he left but have been texting each other. He has called a couple of times but it seems only when DS can not speak, like 8.00 this morning when he knew DS would be rushing around getting ready for school. I do struggle to see why DS wants anything to do with his dad but not said this.

Anyway I need help to get through this Xmas and stay strong, I am having good days and some bad days. I am lonely, angry sometimes relieved. What to do with P clothes? as still here and he has not arranged to pick up. Thinking of having a big bonfire but that probably just spiteful so not done it. Please help me see some positives. All I see his happy families getting ready for Xmas and then there is me struggling not to cry walking around Tesco's.

OP posts:
BrickorCleat · 20/12/2013 10:40

First of all well done on your courage, you have given your DS the best gift of all, a peacef home.

Secondly, this will be the worst Christmas, just accept that and work on getting through it by looking after the two of you very carefully and if that means being sad or not feeli g up to it, that's just fine.

Thirdly, you know all those people in Tesco? Some are happy, some are lonely, some betrayed, some dying, some suicidal.

Just look at the two of you and wrap yourselves in love and hope. Happy Christmas. Things will be ok.

mistlethrush · 20/12/2013 10:42

Previous thread

Can't get rid of me that easily Blossom! Xmas Grin

Don't have a bonfire - it will just make P's 'victim' status more real. Black bag, put it in the garage, let him know they are there and that he needs to collect them by x date or they'll got to a charity shop. Or dump them at his workshop.

Is your older son coming for Christmas or are they doing their own thing?

What have you got in terms of stuff for meal etc?

Can you plan some days out for you and DS?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 10:48

Oh mistle I am glad you came here, Just didn't think old thread reflecting now.
DS1 is coming over on Boxing day and DM coming for Xmas so I am far luckier than some. Meat and veg ordered and I am going to the dreaded Tesco's today. I know you are right about the clothes just not had the energy to pack them all yet.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 20/12/2013 10:51

I think that you would find it cathartic to throw them all in a black bag - even if you're not throwing them out. Actually, I am warming to the 'dropping them at his workshop' option as that means you really have 'thrown them out'. However, you can show DS that you have been completely and utterly above board and not do anything that will give P an inch to complain about...

Do you want this thread linked to the other one too?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 10:57

Well I have the this weekend to clean house and get ready for guests, this place is a complete shit hole. Blush I think I will dump his stuff at workshop, just want to make sure he is not there. For some reason I just don't want to see him or hear his voice on the phone. This is is weird but have been with the man 20 years and I am struggling to remember what his face looks like, I think I might be loosing my mind.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 20/12/2013 10:59

You've been trying to avoid him because of all the angst he's brought into your life, so its not surprising you feel like that.

If you got rid of his stuff, there would be less to clean around... so it could all be part of the same process - and sorting things out in the new found space is sometimes quite fun!

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 11:12

I know things are different this time because when he left before I would engineer ways to have contact. This time I am going out of my way to know nothing about what he is doing or thinking. For now I hope he is miserable as sin and suffers. I have asked DS that I do not want to know anything about this dad and what he is doing, it is my way of coping and staying sane.

OP posts:
bumbumsmummy · 20/12/2013 11:30

You've just given you and your soon the best Christmas present ever your lives back

Ask your son what he'd like to do and make it all about you two relax because you can and enjoy yourself yes you will have moments of sadness but my word you've done the hardest part

As for his clothes get some boxes and bin bags and pack it all up and symbolically move it out to the garage

Well done on being brave

Good Luck

ShimmeringInTheSun · 20/12/2013 11:48

Morning Blossom big hugs and Flowers for you Smile

No, you're not losing your mind. you've just gone through - and still are going through - an incredibly traumatic time, and as I know only too well, it takes a heck of a lot of adjusting to.
So, follow your thoughts and feelings. You don't want to see or talk to 'P', then don't. Get his stuff out of the house, into the garage, the garden, his workshop, whatever. Reclaim your space. Change things around in the house a bit. Allow yourself some relaxation time, a bit of pampering, or treat your self to a gift from 'you to you'!

Staying strong in this kind of situation is one of the hardest things to do, but you're doing it, which is brilliant. Take each day one at a time, and don't feel that you HAVE to do anything just because. You don't.

Best of luck in Tescos, and when you get home kick off your shoes, look around YOUR space, YOUR home, breathe and smile.

You've done it!

NettleTea · 20/12/2013 11:48

well done Blossom - followed your last thread but didnt comment.
I second clearing his stuff out as part of the tidy up. Is there any way your DS1 might drop the stuff off - that way there is no way of bumping into him by accident, and secondly it reinforces to DS1 that its really over - if I remember it was him that was the barrier to your relationship with your elder son?? And so good you are having family around you for Christmas.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 12:22

thanks shimmering and nettle. The trouble is all my family and friends think I am being strong but I don't see it that way. My emotions are all over the place. I am getting more and more angry that can't even seem to manage a sensible relationship with his son and then on the other had I should not be surprised. ( I have refused to manage time) If he cannot see he has to try and repair the damage he has done, it will be his loss. Sure he is swanning around telling everyone what a bitch I am. Most of our friends think he going to crash and burn.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 20/12/2013 12:37

Blossom, you are allowed to feel angry. The P that you thought you had committed to for all those years is now demonstrating exactly what he thought of that. He's let you down big time. What is worse is that he's letting down your DS - any mother in her right mind is going to be furious about how he's treating him.

Who cares what he is telling people - hold your head high, you know its not your fault. However, i would have a rehearsed phrase that you can roll out whenever (or if ever) you need it - nothing too dramatic, something perhaps along the lines of "I could not cope with the damage that his drinking was having on me and DS any longer".

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 15:22

Well managed to face Tesco without bursting into tears. Just had a txt from P asking when he can drop DS presents. Don't want to see him so said am busy and to come around when I am out, He will no doubt think I am being deliberately awkward but I really am not ready to see his face yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 21/12/2013 12:52

Well going to spend the day cleaning house and bagging his stuff up. He still has not arranged to meet DS, sent him a txt last night which was complete gobbledgook, ( is that a word) just did not make any sense. Have a party to go to tonight, not sure I am going to best company but will try,. I go from hating him to feeling sorry for him.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 21/12/2013 22:01

We're shopping tomorrow - wish me luck! DS has decorated the tree - its extravagant rather than tasteful. I have managed to make sure that there are not big clusters, and I did put the lights on (and moderate what could be put on it!

mistlethrush · 23/12/2013 09:05

How was the weekend Blossom?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 23/12/2013 11:40

mistle well done on the tree, extravagant is always good. Smile

Weekend was ok until last night. nice party and actually had a good time, the girls said they need to take me out on the town after Xmas. BUT found out that P has just bought a Landrover. Bloody amazing me how someone with no money to pay a electricity bill or a bag of fish and chips a couple of weeks ago. I am so angry for some reason I can hardly breathe. Not why I am so angry. Still not had time to bag his stuff up and he is putting pressure on me, quite frankly what he wants to right at the bottom of the list right now. Please give some advice how to overcome this anger.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 23/12/2013 16:19

I would channel it into putting everything of his into black bags.

You are completely right to be furiously angry. How dare he plead poverty for months and years whilst using your house as a convenient, free hotel and then blow the money he's clearly been saving up on landrover.

You don't need to not be angry at him and his treatment of you.

You need to be able to bottle that anger up and put it away in a box so that you've got it to hand when you need it. So put it in the garage with the black bags and leave it there and have a lovely, peaceful Christmas without needing to worry about him.

Is he going to give you any maintenance for DS? If he can afford a landrover (even if its on credit) he can afford to give you some money for that. I know that you'll say you don't need it - but it will help with some of the bills.

Have you changed the electricity into your name now btw?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 23/12/2013 16:30

I am exhausted, house a mess and I just want to cry. I was doing so well but today is such a bad day. There is no way he would get credit so I can only assume that he has been hoarding money.
Not even discussed maintenance for DS, could really do with cash right now, not sure what to ask for

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 24/12/2013 06:13

I can't really help you out on that - I suppose you could go to the CSA calculator and put a hypothetical 'wage' in there and see what it would result in?

I am also in a complete mess here - hoards descending at 5pm, working until lunchtime.... I've been up since 4 because I've been on 'stopping the dog licking the sock' which is covering her operation site on her toe (bandage off last night) and that meant I've been sleeping lightly and then couldn't get back to sleep the 2nd time she woke me up... Got to get some actual work done later too!.

Poppy67 · 24/12/2013 06:44

I think what you have done is incredibly brave and strong and you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. It is almost the new year and you have chosen a brilliant way to start afresh -without your P. Your DS will in time look back and think, wow mum, you did bloody good, and understand what courage it has taken. Well done and merry Christmas.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 24/12/2013 09:33

Feeling a bit better today, watched lots of movies and dozed in the sofa all night and had a very good nights sleep. I think that really helps. Having some rather mental dreams, woke up crying because my dream was no true ( oh and fuck all to do with P). Turkey and veg arrived and am about the embark on operation clean up. Going to do my best to make sure tomorrow is good.

Am incredibly annoyed with DB who has not called me since I told him we had split, I have called and texted and nothing, normally they come here for a for a couple of days in the holidays. So god know what is going on there.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 24/12/2013 09:36

I'm not sure when I'll get back on-line - but I do hope that you have a peaceful and relaxing break with DS.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 24/12/2013 09:39

And you mistle thanks for the kind words. Hope poor doggy makes a full recovery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 24/12/2013 09:47

Thanks poppy I don't feel very brave. I hope you are right about DS, right now he feels caught in the middle. P using DS as a "don't be horrible to me, as you will upset DS attitude" Stupid dick.

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