Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Please help me get through this Xmas

81 replies

Blossomflowers · 20/12/2013 10:33

I am starting a new thread "I am not sure I can take this anymore" Sorry I do not know how to link, but feel that title is now longer relevant.

Basically after 20 years I finally had enough and threw my useless, heavy drinking, sponging, EA asshole of a partner out. We have a 13 yr old DS tog, he has been a terrible father and extremely unkind to him, if I am honest it took sitting in my DS counseling session and seeing the shock on her face and outrage that I finally had the courage to end it all. I have obviously normalised everything for so long. DS and his dad have not seen each other since he left but have been texting each other. He has called a couple of times but it seems only when DS can not speak, like 8.00 this morning when he knew DS would be rushing around getting ready for school. I do struggle to see why DS wants anything to do with his dad but not said this.

Anyway I need help to get through this Xmas and stay strong, I am having good days and some bad days. I am lonely, angry sometimes relieved. What to do with P clothes? as still here and he has not arranged to pick up. Thinking of having a big bonfire but that probably just spiteful so not done it. Please help me see some positives. All I see his happy families getting ready for Xmas and then there is me struggling not to cry walking around Tesco's.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 22:49

CertInly sounds that way. But then that could also be indicative of the way he was brought up - does his mother have form for treating him like a little prince?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 30/12/2013 22:54

oh yes, nail on head. Unfortunately she died 14 years ago. She hated me though. He is now an orphan ( his words) He has treated like his mum for years. I did not need 3 kids

OP posts:

baytree · 30/12/2013 23:36

Hi I'm turning in now as I'm an hour ahead in time zones. If you can write it all down in a diary is an idea of mine-a way of getting out the emotion so you have more positive energy for your DS big big hugs

ohfourfoxache · 31/12/2013 00:11

Yes, a diary is a fab idea - and it will also help you to look back in the coming months and years to prove to yourself how much stronger you are getting.

Sounds like his bloody family have a lot to answer for

ohfourfoxache · 31/12/2013 00:12

Er, ok, so he describes himself as an orphan yet he abandons DS? What a tosser.....

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 31/12/2013 10:53

Thinking of you and hoping 2014 will see you and DS secure and unburdened by ex, you have more guts and integrity in your little finger than ex has in total. Keep on keeping on. .

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 31/12/2013 11:28

Morning all, all helpful advice thanks. I keep telling myself I have done the right thing and kicking out his sorry ass. When I have doubts I will come back re read my threads about how rubbish the relationship really was. My only regret is I did not have the strength to do it sooner. I wish I have more people in RL but find myself with a small friendship group as I always put my energies into him. Have had some revelations now about what people think about him, wonder why I could not see it.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 31/12/2013 16:58

Hi Blossom. Good day for me to be coming back, so I can wish you well for the New Year.

Re communication - yes, you should leave it entirely up to your P to communicate with DS as he chooses, it is not your responsibility to push him to actually meet up.

Christmas morning sounded great! We were overrun with visitors.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 31/12/2013 17:15

Hi mistle Happy New Year to you, though I think I might struggle bit tonight, though again reminds me how he would site there and refuse to join in with the fun. Everyone would get silly and dance and he would site there like a right misery guts.
Re contact I am quite amazed he has not even made a effort. Probably telling everyone I am making it difficult, like apparently it is my fault he has no money because he had to go out an by a land rover the poor dear.

OP posts:

Loggins · 31/12/2013 17:40

Hey Blossom, found you!
Happy New Year to you and DS. Have a good time tonight, tomorrow is the start of a great new year for you both.
Try not to ponder on the fuckwit, it's all his loss. I know that's easy to say because of hurt to your DS but with his great mum and his counsellor he will be ok

mistlethrush · 31/12/2013 17:41

Take no notice of what he is saying etc - you know the truth. Your DS will also know that you're not stopping him from contact.

We're not staying up late tonight. But we will be toasting the end of the old and the start of a New later on. I'm hoping that your year ahead will be so much more positive without P dragging you down.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 31/12/2013 17:55

Hey Loggins, Happy New Year to you to. I am getting good at dismissing his shit. Am going to a party tonight and made a load of 70's throw back food cheese and pineapple and sausages on sticks LOL. Not very imaginative but fun. Am feeling slight panicky as 1st party on my on in 20 years, sure I will be ok after a few glasses of wine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 01/01/2014 14:09

Worst New years eve party ever. Burst into tears at midnight, ended up getting lots of hugs from friends and DS. Feel such a fool. Feeling slightly hungover and having to walk in a minute to get the car, absolutely pissing down. Hoping 2104 is going to my year. Happy New year to anyone reading.

OP posts:

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 01/01/2014 14:30

Oh Blossom Happy New Year to you and DS. Let's face it 2014 cannot be any Worse than 2014 and will actually be 100000x's better without him.
New Year=New start.
make plans --go to CSA, if he doesn't come up with the money sell his bike and anything else he has left behind, bag up his clothes and take to charity shop or local dump, plan something nice for yourself -and DS to do. Give yourself something to aim for even if it is just an overnight stayaway somewhere.
Things are getting better and you have survived Christmas and New Year

Loggins · 01/01/2014 14:45

I agree, bag up his stuff. New year clean out, but maybe not today if you have a sore head!

Don't feel a fool, it's an emotional time. I had a little sniffle myself. It's nice that your friends and DS were there to hug you.
Hope you got your car back ok

mistlethrush · 01/01/2014 20:13

I'm not surprised that you've felt tearful. It's a big, scary step to have chucked him out - not only because of having to admit to yourself and others that P's a waste of space...

But its New Year's Day. He's out of your house and not going to drag you and DS down anymore. Here's to 2014!

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 02/01/2014 10:14

He has arranged to take DS lunch today ( apparently) not sure when and where. Also said he has a bag of stuff for him. I know he going to play super dad now, dressing up nicely going to the pub, buying DS stuff. I don't understand why I feel so angry. I suppose I did much of this for DS, it so easy to be the "perfect parent" for a couple of hours.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 02/01/2014 10:29

Can you use it as an opportunity to get rid of some of his stuff in black bags to him?

It is very easy to be a disney dad for a few hours every few weeks - but DS will work out whats what - I just hope that he doesn't do anything to give DS a set back.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 02/01/2014 10:48

There are couple of bags for him to take but he has not asked about them. I know kids want their parents to love them and seems DS for now has forgotten all the shit his dad has been saying, it takes every ounce of energy to bite my tongue sometimes. I am having a really angry day to day. I was fantasying about him being in a tragic accident last night, I worry about my sanity. I also feel very very low and anxious about money.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 02/01/2014 10:55

So what if he hasn't asked about them - get his crap out of your house and do some reorganising and make it 'yours' rather than the house where you both lived.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 02/01/2014 11:01

Well he said he has bought all new gear because I have not given his stuff back. Black bags in the garage. This weekend is free so should have time and energy to pack everything else up. Sadly it is going to take more then just chucking his crap out to erase him. We have renovated this place together, I wish I could move.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 02/01/2014 11:22

If you want to move, move. Make a new home for DS and yourself. Or is there something else stopping you?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 02/01/2014 11:27

I had a blip financially a few years ago and it is unlikely I would get another mortgage. I have already inquired whether it would be possible to transfer this one but sadly not possible. So I am trapped here.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 02/01/2014 11:39

OK, well, make it 'yours' then. Redecorate your bedroom in a colour you really like, or even move bedrooms completely if that's remotely sensible... rehang pictures, use a colour you really like for one wall in the living room, change the furniture around to suit your current needs - that sort of thing, not necessarily major, just to make things different.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 02/01/2014 11:48

It is pretty much how I like it, as I always choose the colours and did decorating. I have bought new paint for the bedroom though. It must be alot easier for him, new flat. I sure he will have not given me a second thought. I so wish I could move but would mean then I would have to rent but that would not make sense as this house was going to be my pension. I wish I could erase him from my memory. Not having a good day today. I suppose holidays are over and some long boring nights ahead.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread