Please help me get through this Xmas

[Blossomflowers]

I am starting a new thread "I am not sure I can take this anymore" Sorry I do not know how to link, but feel that title is now longer relevant.

Basically after 20 years I finally had enough and threw my useless, heavy drinking, sponging, EA asshole of a partner out. We have a 13 yr old DS tog, he has been a terrible father and extremely unkind to him, if I am honest it took sitting in my DS counseling session and seeing the shock on her face and outrage that I finally had the courage to end it all. I have obviously normalised everything for so long. DS and his dad have not seen each other since he left but have been texting each other. He has called a couple of times but it seems only when DS can not speak, like 8.00 this morning when he knew DS would be rushing around getting ready for school. I do struggle to see why DS wants anything to do with his dad but not said this.

Anyway I need help to get through this Xmas and stay strong, I am having good days and some bad days. I am lonely, angry sometimes relieved. What to do with P clothes? as still here and he has not arranged to pick up. Thinking of having a big bonfire but that probably just spiteful so not done it. Please help me see some positives. All I see his happy families getting ready for Xmas and then there is me struggling not to cry walking around Tesco's.

Echoing the other MNers you have given yourself and DS the best possible present this Christmas.

Mr Deep Pockets Unless It's For Himself won't be best pleased he has lost his cosy billet but he can only mess with your head through DS so that's half the bother he was when under your roof.

After the holidays why not ring Child Maintenance Options for free advice, tel freephone 0800 988 0988 Mon-Fri 8 am - 8pm and 9am-4pm Sat or go on www.cmoptions.org.uk

In spite of ex being a crap dad DS will have confused feelings about him. When ex makes some effort to stay in touch grit your teeth and if he mucks up it is harsh but a fact of life that DS will see his father for what he is. All the time this was brewing DS may have intuited something was amiss without being aware of the deeper issues, so although you might worry how unsettling this is now, it could be a relief to have things out in the open.

A messy house that is a home is better than a show home without a soul, or that's what I tell myself.

Glad DM and DS1 can come over this week, has DB been in touch?

Freed up space from ex's clothing, toiletries, mags or whatever, a good spring clean after Christmas will help purge the house of him.

Thanks donkey I know it all makes sense what you say. I will ring that number after Xmas, he will make all sorts if promises to pay money but would never be able to rely on it so better to put something formal in place. I will no longer feel guilty about asking for money, he owes me £1000's. DB being a selfish, I am extremely disappointed in him.

Sorry you're still waiting for DB to make contact, is he in touch with ex do you think or is it more likely he doesn't get how final this move is?

I think as of 2014 the Child Maintenance Service will start charging fees for putting arrangements in place if they don't already, they'll encourage people to sort things out themselves as far as possible. If ex is able to afford a vehicle after years of shirking bills he should cough up for his own son.

Chin up, you are doing well even if you are quaking inside.

No my X has had no contact with our family or friends. DB just texted me to say he will call later. Am slowly tidying house, but keep getting waves of panic. Deep breathing needed

Can you put some music on, keep tidying, when did you last eat something?

Not eating so well, house coming together. Must keep going. sure I will feel a bit better when people are around. I am very lonely today

Update- Well we managed to get through Xmas, not too bad, having good days and bad days still but guess to be expected. DS has still had not contact with his dad, pretty unbelievable really. Some people are telling DS that this is all about me and X and nothing to do with him and his dad loves him. Sadly I think this is not true and not sure why people trot out this script. Not sure what to say to DS, I have not got involved with DS and his dad relationship and have not stopped him seeing his son but clearly he does not give a shit, Should I intervene? some advise please. The truth is he has never wanted to be a dad and DS has heard this too many times

Oh dear, had txt argument with XP. Last couple of days I have been really panicking about money, I am, self employed so no gurantees of money. I added up what he has neglected to pay just over the last year. ( forget past several years) It came to 4000, so sent him a text with my bank details and asked him to pay me back asap. I have found out he has bought a land rover, new clothes and asking about a person we know about buying new computer. I have just seen red. I have given him a choice either to sort it out with me or I will involve CSA and Solicitors. Why the actual fuck does he get to show off and live his pathetic single life/ Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, sorry for the rant

Shameless bump, someone please give me a virtual slap, feel like I have slipped back weeks

You are doing brilliantly, you've chucked his sorry arse out and you got through Christmas. 2014 is going to be fabulous and you are going to get stronger and stronger.

It is more than understandable that you're going to have a wobble, you haven't gone backwards at all x

And why give him the option to sort it out or go through csa? You are in control now - could you go through csa immediately? He sounds like a right fucking charmer

Thanks, this is what I need to hear. Ironically he is blaming me for not having any money right now, same old script. I did not make it easy for him to pick up clothes, ( so he had to but more) I demanded car back, which paid for ( so of course he had to go out and but a land rover) He has told me to stop threatening him. Ha, you know I could make his life a whole lot worse if I choose to. So far he is got off very easily. I only mentioned CSA and Solicitors if he did not play ball, I know what he is like he will promise money and it will not appear. I nkow nothing about the CSA though

Unfortunately neither do I, but I'm sure someone will be along who does.

Considering what he's done he's had it fucking easy. That's why I'm thinking that you need to stop threatening and start doing -why should you be the one going through all the shit?

Hi Blossom

Just read your back story as you gave a shameless bump and I wanted to give you some support. To me you have done completely the right thing. Don't feel alone there as you have the support of mumsnet.

Blossomflowers=spring=a time of new growth. There must be a reason why you chose this name for you? I think it is very apt. Good luck. One step at a time but dont whatever you do turn around.

Thanks bay oh have no intention of letting him back. As each day goes by I loose more respect. I am in two minds what to do about DS, I do feel sorry for him. But think he will be a far better person growing up without his Dad's presence. For example Xmas morning DS jumped into bed ( along with kitty and the dag) and opened his stocking. That would never of happened when he was here, as XP would have been deeply uncomfortable

Baytree has put it beautifully re spring, you are so strong and 2014 will be wonderful x

Thanks ohfour I know I need to start taking action. Now Xmas has gone.
Everyone thinks I am doing great but does not seem like that to me. DS and money, I am really confused how to handle what to say to DS, as it has been 4 weeks now and he has not bothered to arrange any contact. Well just texting him

Sadly you can't force contact with his wanker of a dad - all you can do is reinforce with your lovely ds that you will always be there for him and that he is your world. You are his source of stability.

Taking the first active steps is going to be bloody hard, but you will feel so much better once you've started x

Going to make a list tomorrow, start selling some stuff, He has an expensive bike , which I know he will never use, extra car sitting on the drive. And am thinking of selling my beautiful house but too much really for us. I feel I need a new start.

It is telling but since tosser left DS seems in a lot happier place, no self harming, hearing voices that sparked off me finally making a stand as wanker thought "DS was an attention seeking little shit"

"I am really confused how to handle what to say to DS, as it has been 4 weeks now and he has not bothered to arrange any contact"

#Answer--communication comes in different ways. In our way we like to leap on the bed with the dog and cat and hug and enjoy xmas day. In your dad's way of doing things he likes to text you messages. No way is right or wrong. I am glad that we can hug and talk.

The Xmas day experience was actually liberating. DS, kitty and dog, tea in bed, we had a lovely calm day. None of this would have happened if he had been here. Starting to realise how weird he really is.

You're well shot of him love - what an arrogant, conceited wankbadger he is. You are amazing x

wankbadger classic. I have not spoken to him since booting him out. But did tell him today ( by text) to fuck off little man child , when he started blaming me for him not having any money, oh diddums I so made him go out an buy new clothes and Land Rover. What a what a self entitled little cock.

Sometimes other words just won't do

Aw, poor little bastard, did the nasty ex force him to go and spend some money? Doesn't your heart just fucking bleed for him

I know what prize tit. I am sure he actually believes his own bullshit. If it was not so tragic it would be hilarious. Someone said the other day, " the trouble with X Blossom, is that he has to blame someone, I have taken to shit tooooooo many years.