A Toxic Family Christmas? Step this way...

[Hissy]

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” ? Norman Vincent Peale

So sadly this is not the case for many. Christmas can be a particularly horrid time.

If this sounds familiar, and you need somewhere to come feel at home, sit, vent and ask WTF is going on, please post here or join the rest of us over at the luxuriously appointed and elegantly decorated Stately Homes Thread

Xmas 2005. Our pfb's first Xmas and my parents were coming over on Xmas day.

My husband answered the door to my mum and dad. Mum immediately announced what a horrible year it had been, to DH who had 8mo DS in his arms. She had lost her father a few months before so we overlooked it. The meal went ok, but when I suggested a walk afterwards for some fresh air she tried to persuade us it was a shit idea. We said no worries we'll only be 15 minutes, she then insisted she had to come with us. Wouldn't take no for an answer. She moaned all the way about how cold and dark it was and how we were the only people out. Then when we got back after 5 minutes (gave up) she said she felt ill and stonewalled us until 28th. I pleaded, begged her to tell me what was wrong, went over Boxing Day and was stonewalled / sulked at, so I gave up and she then said I sounded hard and uncaring.

Oh and Xmas 2007, 8 months pg when I overdid it doing everything so she could sit and enjoy Xmas, and I fell outside by the wheelie bin and vomited with the shock. She tried to deter me from getting checked out by a midwife saying babies were very safe inside. I insisted someone take me to be monitored and she sighed, cats bum mouth and said what a terrible Xmas day it'd been. Then we still had to host them on Boxing Day.

She died a few years ago. We had been really close and I loved her. I wish I knew why she acted like this sometimes. Looking back I had the FOG in spades. Why do they sometimes have to act as if they hate you and you're the worst person with the worst behaviour, when all you're doing is trying your best?

Sadly because to give you the credit for your efforts would make you happy, and their jealousy won't allow that to happen.

So, what's christmas 2013 got in store? :)

Nice and chilled, no travelling, my dad will come over but he's easy osy so no weird behaviour and sulking.

Can I ask, does my late mother sound like she had narc tendencies? I never heard of the concept until after she died. I really must post on stately homes one day.

Sorry another question, what would she have been jealous of?

Attention, happiness, success... whatever she saw that you had that she wanted.

Your child. Your child (and also your husband) had you attention now, and she probably resented it.

My aunt, who is a clear narc, recently threw a tantrum at my mother because she said that my mother was paying too much attention to her grandchild now and "things were different". This was a 60-year old woman being jealous of a 2-year old.

Sheesh! They can't see how ridiculous they are, can they?

It sounds to me like she had a whim of iron and unless things went her way, she got unpleasant and did her best to make sure thigns were unpleasant for others too.

however, clearly you had mixed feelings about her, even with the FOG in full force as you say you'd been really close and you loved her. it sounds like she certainly wasn't all bad, just that she was pretty spoiled and unable to handle gracefully not getting her own way. (proviso: unless you decide after reflectoin that the love was an illusion fostered by the FOG).

marking place - i am very worried about xmas this year, my mother has been particularly difficult.

what is FOG?

Yes whats FOG, thanks

This will be first Christmas without any members of family since going nc with mum.

oh sorry. FOG - Fear Obligatoin Guilt.

The three things that keep children running back to toxic parents when a normal relationship isn't possible.

She was always right. Always. Most of the time she was indeed right, but when she was wrong she couldn't accept it.

Most of the time we got on ok (as long as I lived in the way she believed was right). But once or twice a year she would have one of these sulks about some perceived slight, or me being selfish, or me being well, wrong. She would sulk for days, giving me pained looks, stone walling. I would have to apologise profusely over and over, saying sorry that I had offended her. She kept alternating between saying how hard and unfeeling I was, and ignoring me looking straight ahead.

One example was when she inherited some money and gifted us a portion of it. I decided that we should put it towards a newer car for DH, as his was getting old and dangerous and I felt he should be safe, at the time I was SAHM and he was the wage earner. Cue a massive strop from her because "DH' s parents hadn't gifted us anything even though they are very comfortably off". I offered in desperation to pay her the money back as I didn't want to make her unhappy and I felt I couldn't be psychic and have mind read that she didn't want the money spent in that way. She was ballistic, accusing me of throwing the money back in her face. She eventually very passively aggressively agreed to never again say anything about how obey should be spent, cue more stonewalling and pained looks.

It baffled me. Wtf was that about?

This will be the 1st Christmas without PIL.
The guilt tripping has started - texts and a voice mail off FIL.

We're planning on ignoring.

MIL is allways the victim!

'if i cut contact, chances are you handed me the scissors'

My mum has form for silly, spoiled behaviour when she doesn't get her own way. It will be interesting to see how we all fare over Christmas.

Good luck all :)

She wanted you to behave in the way she thought you should behave. When you did something she didn't expect, she threw a strop. My aunt is an obsessive planner: she makes plans up to one year ahead. When people turn out to have other plans or ideas, or, well, lives of their own, she throws monstrous tantrums. Because other people should revolve around her. I think that she has serious trouble understanding the concept that other people are independent from her and don't keep her in mind at all times.

Also, she probably resented your husband, and saw your use of her gift as her giving money to your husband, and she didn't like it one bit. She probably would have preferred you to buy yourself clothes or something like that, so she could think what a good mother she was.

And worried I can really identify with what you say about your mum. We used to be very close but there has been some distance for over a year now due in part to her behaving outrageously at a time when we really needed her to step up and help us out. I thought I had forgiven and forgotten but recently I realised that I hadn't. I'm still angry although I hide it well. I just don't go out of my way to oblige her and I put our wants before her wants.

FOG - oh yes, thats me!!

Lightsplease same here. A relief and sad. My mum hates ds2 so I won't spend all day thinking don't upset my mum. My poor ds2 . Took too long to stand up to her. Did it on my 40th b'day!

Hello!

Christmas day for us consists of going round to BIL where his wife and 4 kids will be. They have started divorce proceedings because every single year of their 20 year marriage he has cheated on her. My FIL will be their too. He has just split up with his partner as he couldn't keep it in his trousers either. He is an aggressive, manipulating compulsive liar.

Boxing day will consist of every one traipsing over to our house, Mil who will be traveling over to us has told us that FIL is not allowed to come to ours as they too are finally finishing up their divorce. They are quibbling over a few worthless bits and bobs that FIL daily changes his mind if he is going to sign. MIL wont let it drop either. He is doing it on purpose to keep control over her. she possibly could stab him and he stab her back. DH refuses to choose who can come, says they are both welcome - MIL isn't aware of this.

MIl wont eat any of my cooking as she will only eat her or my DH cooking.

MIL and SIL hate each other as she blames SIL for PFB for cheating on her for 20 years with different women each time.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS

worriedkat we are awaiting money of MIL and been told what we are allowed to spend it on...No clearing debts, No clothes, Not allowed to save in fact nothing practical at all. Got to spend it on a treat!

Ive told DH I do not want to accept it as im too old to be dictated to what I can spend our money on. It isn't a gift to us, it '' look what I've done, I have given you this wonderful treat! I wonder if she has the daily newspaper round to take a pic with her holding a huge fake cheque! Its not even that much!

Our DC money that's being given has to lie in a dormant account and not get mixed up with their own saving 'so they know its off nanna.

Tinker is there no way you can get out of that? It sounds really awful!

I have a bottle of brandy in my cupboard ready!

Thanks meerka re FOG :)