A Toxic Family Christmas? Step this way...

[Hissy]

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” ? Norman Vincent Peale

So sadly this is not the case for many. Christmas can be a particularly horrid time.

If this sounds familiar, and you need somewhere to come feel at home, sit, vent and ask WTF is going on, please post here or join the rest of us over at the luxuriously appointed and elegantly decorated Stately Homes Thread

((Hugs hissy back))

Thank you! I'm enjoying lots of chunky baby snuggles atm as ds has been refusing to sleep, therefore, feeding most of the day :)

First xmas going nC with my mum. Only contact I have had since is a cards for us all...which I must admit to opening them, not reading incase there was money inside (no idea why there would be, but didn't want to throw money in the bin), then threw them in the recycling. Didn't tell the kids they arrived, feel liberated!

That's great singarainbow!
I wish I had the guts to do that too.

This is my first Christmas after going NC with my Narc mother. We're going away tomorrow to a little cottage in the Lake District. Just me, DH, 2 dds and DSD. It's going to be BLISS! No guilt, no moaning, no whining, no being a bag of nerves all day wondering when she'll start with digs and the insults and guilt trips. I can't wait!

enjoy professor, and thanks theYonigayinthevillage, it has taken me most of my life to do this, and was only done last week.

I need to post on this thread but don't know the vocabulary to explain what's going on.

Got a text from mum today saying she wasn't coming to xmas dinner at mine after all. I rang to ask why, having texted to say 'that's sad can we meet up a different day. "

long conversation of the, "id like to put distance between us, don't really want to see you. ..ending with an exchange of texts where she States she v never wants to see me again and doesn't care.

Oldest daughter has asked why granny didn't come and pick her up from school with me when she said she would.

Apparently I'm too negative about everyone and c an emotional vampire.

I've spent so long treading on eggshells, fed up of her not being interested in my children's lives (brothers child however is different. Brother is golden boy.)

And yet I've been in tears and feel so hurt and a failure and wonder what I did wrong or what I could have dive differently. Mum had sine mental health issues so has probably stopped meds abs stated drinking. She's horrible. But ill. So if she changes her mind Christmas morning is have to have her over or I'd look uncaring.

After all the years I've hosted get here or looked after her.

I want to learn to protect my heart but I've got such a huge desire to feel lived and chat and be with her.i guess even when well she's unable to really care about me but I know she dis.

My heads a mess and my heart hurts. I want to protect myself but no idea how.

Had a text off MIL yesterday (after a text off MIL saying she is saving some money for the girls for Christmas as she isn't allowed to see them... followed by a voice mail off FIL, basically saying we need to let her see the kids as she is 'heartbroken' she isn't allowed over Christmas!)

Anyway. Saying she is going to stop texting because it is too upsetting for her that DH is not replying and that she will leave us alone.

Fingers Crossed!!!

ARealPickle you do't need to find any special vocabulary - just say what is happening in your own words.

It sounds as if your mum is going through some difficult times and is doing the easy thing and dumping the 'bad' feelings on you.

Lots of possibilities - if she's drinking she might be dreading Christmas in case she drinks too much or in case anyone notices and judges her. She might resent being looked after. She might know that she's not giving you what you need from her and it makes her feel bad.

Easier said than done but you may need to redefine who she is for you and forget 'mum'. Do what feels right for you and your family. That might mean keeping the door open but not making so much effort to get her to walk through it.

Pickle I wrote a huge post, but my phone ate it! :(

Just talk your feelings out onhere, it'll really help love.

You're most definitely not alone ok?

And today I had the nice police man on the phone going through the form I had to fill out from the last (ever) time I saw my mother and her vile H that took place earlier this week.

Having to call the police to make them leave my home and stop terrorising me has to have been the last of the last straws to break the poor old camel's back.

So I'm off the christmas hook. yay. go me.

Debating on the idea of sending an official letter in January to make sure they all know that I want nothing more to do with any of them.

Wouldn't a non-molestation order make the point more clearly?

Well done, btw - merry Christmas

Just marking my spot. I will post a bit more in a bit when I can do so without bawling

Am pretty sure a Non-mol won't allow me to use the wording i'd like to use.

I'll see what's what. I'd love there to be repercussions legally for these dreadful people.

((((oldbaghere))))

we're here lovey, whenever you are ready. It'll be ok, i promise!

I don't have much family left, just my sister who will be here for Christmas day, and an aunt and uncle (different sides of family) who I don't see much

DH however has all his family. He has gone away for the weekend to stay with his family with 3 of the DC's. I won't go because I have work on Monday and it's a real faff as I have lots of animals.

I feel for all of you who are not looking forward to seeing relatives, whilst I get on well with my IL's I feel awkward and completely out of place when I'm staying there and after a few stressful Christmasses I said to DH I refuse to feel like that anymore and so I stay at home.

My mum is dying. She is piling the guilt and obligation on me to see my brother when he comes to visit her.

How do you break out of the dynamic? Im locked in fog - great phrase - fear of being thought a bitch, obligation to my mother, and guilt I can't give her her dying wish.

Thing is, without the elephant in the room, me and her get on ok. But once he enters the equation it all goes to pot.

Am absolutely dreading Christmas this year. I've not bothered with a tree, or cards or decorations or anything. Not bought any presents yet or even the food..

My mum is very similar to how I've seen LEM describing her mum on other threads, except she's 85 and struggling to cope with the loss of control over her life and being dependent on others due to her dwindling mobility. I'm her only child so I get everything thrown at me.

My 23yo daughter had come to live with me after leaving a nasty dv relationship a few months ago. This has not gone well, she's bipolar and I strongly suspect narc. She can be absolutely lovely and charming but she has a very violent temper if you dare to say or do anything that contradicts her. She's threatened to smash up my car and she has damaged various things in the house. She creates a whirlwind of chaos even if she's just sitting watching tv, she creates an uneasy atmosphere and it's impossible to feel relaxed or calm in her presence. She will lie and steal whatever she wants to suit herself, I've learnt to keep anything valuable on me at all times, purse in my bra during the day, inside my pillow at night, bank account empty etc etc. However I've had a friend staying over this week and she's robbed him twice, more than £50 in total. He will now not be staying for Christmas because of it. I can't blame him for that one little bit.

It all came to a head yesterday and she's now gone to stay at my mother's house, only two streets away. However, we will all have to spend Christmas together because we're such a small family (me, mum and my two children) I know she will have cast me as the villain of the piece to my mother who will believe her despite knowing exactly what she's like and been robbed and abused by her many many times so my day will be filled with criticism and blame and nasty comments.

It's a fucking nightmare. I really wish I could run away and leave them all to it.

Wow...it's not just me then! Tis the season for manipulation and plain old bribery. 'They' are using the Christmas gifts angle to entice DD round. Contact is made directly with DD as she has a phone and they know her number. DD said the text extended an invite to me. ROFL. Seriously my mother and brother are beyond narc. It took 20 years of traumatic encounters and finally the death of my DH to fully realise that I don't have to continue speaking to these people that choose to hurt and cause ruin for me. If a non-blood acquaintance had treated me like they have over the past 20 years, I would have ceased contact, got a restraining order enforced and got on with my life happily introducing myself as having no family. The worst nightmare I have is reincarnation for fear of being born into the same family

I almost severed ties in 2000 but FOG had me running back into deathcamp after having DD. I was young and believed she deserved to have more than just me to call family...

I feel terrible for not letting DH know how toxic my family circumstance was. He/his was so normal that I fell into 'public script' in presenting my family. Even after therapist advised NC with them.

Sending out feelings of warmth and compassion to all in the NC camp. We are not alone

Welcome nessus no, sadly it's not just you! Glad you found the thread though!

Can't you give your dd a new phone, new number that has already got their numbers blocked, just in case?

I suggest you need to speak to your dd about why there's no contact.

Just to reassure you I have told my dcs that if my toxic parents want to apologise for their bad behavior and start being nice then they can come for Christmas . Ds1 (9) replied that it wouldn't be enough . My parents have been horrible to my dcs. So they know what they are like . They don't know everything but I have told them age appropriate stuff.

Spanky, listen to your kids! They don't want them there, so don't place low bars for these awful people to achieve and then reward them with the prize of christmas en famille.

They need to behave ALL year before they get offered that.

And ultimately, if your dc don't want them there, don't have them there. Put your kids first! :)

They won't apologise as they don't think they've done anything wrong . I'mon the stately homes thread. My mum is a narcisstic and I'mnot sure what my dad is. Both awful toxic people . How I ever managed to escape I don't know . They feel there is little point contacting me! Nice .

I think I'm going to spend Christmas alone.
I've been bombarded with abusive text messages from dd since 4am. Threats to break into my car, horrible insults about me and my life, how badly I've treated her etc etc etc

I will cook the meal as planned and deliver it to my mum's house and dd, ds, dsgf and dm can spend it together. I can't bear to be in the same room as dd at the moment.

Call the police Crispy.

Do you really have to cook? if DD is such a clever bitch to be texting you shite, perhaps she ought to apply that superior intellect to doing a turn in the kitchen, and STFU.

Cook it for yourself and leave the others to it

Hiya Hissy.. yep, I'll have to do at least the oven stuff cos Mum's is knackered. I don't mind doing it at all. As for me, I'd never manage to eat it all :o

As for calling the police, it's all been done before and doesn't seem to have any effect at all. She emptied mum's bank account a year ago to the tune of nearly £5k.. nothing happened.

Friend has just arrived, will post more tomorrow xx