Hello, can I join you all please? Not really use where to begin but our Christmas blew up somewhat. Was going to name change (they know I use mn) but I doubt they'll actually look and I'm not sure what exactly I'm afraid of by just telling the facts.
My DH and I have 2 kids who are the only GC on both sides. My parents are obsessed with them, completely loopy for them. I'm glad they have such a positive relationship but have been struggling for a while to put my finger on exactly what I find unsettling about it. I guess it's that I feel unheard and undermined, and my parents have so little else in their lives that they are overly emotionally invested in MY kids. My parents are very wealthy, and some years ago they gave us some money to pay off the mortgage. They did he same for my sister (single with no DC). A year or two later we decided to move house to an old large building that needed a LOT of work. Apparently this was not approved of, they were not happy for us one little bit. They have struggled and failed to keep their mouths shut about the decisions we make about our lives. I'm not really sure what I've supposedly done wrong, did they expect me to give up work and be a SAHM? To move closer to them? To stay mortgage free in London forever despite our old house being too small for 2DC?
Anyway, we had a lovely Christmas Day with DHs lot who are very low pressure, welcoming and normal. Then we went over to my parents. It was OK to begin with, the usual constant snide remarks which we are supposed to ignore (compliment fishing, saying we are free to get our own lunch then asking why we didn't eat the X instead if Y and pointed comments about oh I thought you would do Z etc etc). and the usual overwhelming attention on my DC (panic if they leave the room without an adult, panic about what the eat, panic about whose presents they will open next, not allowing them to just play with things).
DH was working up into a fury but holding it together by taking lots of time out. Having been brought up in the land if Not Talking About It I was making the best and sweeping it all under the carpet. Then came the big family party.
Too much alcohol consumed, and stupid stupid DH starts talking politics at (not with) my 87 yr old grandmother. He was rude and would not shut up. It was alcohol fueled and came out of the resentment of the past few days, but completely inappropriate and misdirected and he was a total arse. Eventually he wandered off for a topup, at which point my dad went ballistic at me. The whole "won't be treated like that in my house" stuff, which would have been reasonable if directed at DH but was not when directed at me. Apparently DH will not ever get another penny from him (we didn't expect any!) and he wants his money back (hmm, ok but it was done through a trust fund and would have to be returned to the fund not to my dad, meaning it would be an entirely spiteful gesture rather than my dad getting any money back at all. plus it would mean us selling the house, making his GC homeless). My DF also said DH is not longer welcome in his home and he would throw him out immediately if it was not for the fact I had too much to drink to be ok to drive. No mention of the fact it would also mean getting both DCs out of bed in the middle of their night.
At that point I finally rose to him (had been not engaging and staring into the corner until that point). I asked him whether the grandchildren were also no longer welcome in the house? That shut him up but he was obviously still livid.
So all the time my DF is apoplectic, my Dsis and DM try to diffuse it a bit, my DM and DF and DSis all go to bed leaving my GM and me waiting for DH to reappear. We watched TV awkwardly for 10 mins then went to bed.
I don't know who I am most annoyed with, my DH for being a wanker and for giving them a reason to blame us, or my DF for his stupidly disproportionate response. I was so upset. To top it all off, DS2 woke up just as I was going to bed and I spent most of the night giving him calpol and rocking him back to sleep every 2 hours.
In the morning DF was being unusually nice to us. DM was teary and angry. We were due to head home anyway so I just packed up the car and we left late morning.
Before we left I decided I needed to be an adult and asked DM if they were serious about having the money returned, as I would need to remortgage if they were. DM wells up, says it was a gift and no they don't want it back and because it's a gift they can't control how we use it (pointed look) and makes out its a ridiculous thing for me to suggest. And anyway DH has completely ruined Christmas, and weren't we having a nice time up until then? Well weren't we? (Compliment fishing again).
First thing in the morning DH apologised to my gran, who was actually fine about the whole thing, but somehow DM took most offence.
Last of all, apparently in the night DM fell when getting out of bed, slipping on a book left on my DS1s mattress (he sleeps on a mattress next to their bed). Hint that it's all our fault for leaving a book there. She fell onto her face and cut her lip. It was only on the drive home I wondered if this is actually true or if my DF hit her in a drunken row, in front of my DS. I would not put it past him, he has form for violent threatening behaviour when very upset. DM is a trustee of the trust fund and I can imagine an argument where he wanted the money returned to the fund, and she said no because she fears they wouldn't see the GC again, then he sees red and hits her. He HATES anyone standing up to him, and only rarely does anyone actually do it.
So now I don't know what to do. I want a bit of space from them. I don't want to stop them seeing the kids, but I don't want them undermining my parenting and manipulating me into visits and time together where we go out of our way to please them so often. And what if there was DV, I don't want DC exposed to that, but I don't expect I will ever know the truth. DS was gently questioned and doesnt seem to have seen anything. Maybe she did really fall. Or maybe not.
I would never have accepted their money if i thought it came with so many strings attached, we did not need it but were very happy to be offered it and it helped a lot. Now I would like to return it just to make a point that I will not be bullied, but sadly it would mean selling our house and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is since DM said so emphatically it was a gift not to be returned. And although DH is repentant and has apologised, I'm still disappointed in him and sad he has acted so badly. Mostly I'm annoyed he has given them ammunition to fuel their ideas that he isn't up to scratch, that I married beneath myself, that he isn't "like us" and that it will all end badly. (All of which implied, never spoken outright). It will always be referred to in every argument with my parents until the end of time, I just know it.
If only my DSis met someone and had some DCs the constant focus would be diluted at least. She will take their side, I have always been the outsider in the family. Why am I living my adult life still so ruled by my parents? Is my DHs behaviour a red flag? How do we cancel the holiday booked for the summer for everyone? Or do we go along and pretend it never happened, then minimise contact? Grrrr, so upset and annoyed.
Happy Bloody Christmas.