A Toxic Family Christmas? Step this way...

[Hissy]

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” ? Norman Vincent Peale

So sadly this is not the case for many. Christmas can be a particularly horrid time.

If this sounds familiar, and you need somewhere to come feel at home, sit, vent and ask WTF is going on, please post here or join the rest of us over at the luxuriously appointed and elegantly decorated Stately Homes Thread

I may be able to wangle out of Christmas day dinner at BIL. I'm working on that.

But boxing day which will be the worst, is a given. If I asked DH to cancel he would. But I think he would be hurt. He just doesn't see what's going on. Tbh Ive been thinking of illness..... but MIL would still rock up. That woman has crept in to my house and sat at the end of my couch till I woke up from a sleep. In the dark. Like that is normal.

DH actually leans towards sticking up for FIL ( god knows why!!!!) which crucifies MIL as she goes above and beyond to let it known her boys are her world and its just not reciprocated. Which makes her worse.

tinkertaylor1 - re the money, just take it & then do what the hell you want with it. It's a gift. Lie to her if you have to.

hold oh she will want to see what we have bought - so she can tell every one. We could really do with clearing a few debts.

DH has hardly any decent clothes so when asked what he wanted as a birthday present he said 'I'm desperate for new clothes mum so any money towards it would be appreciated''

She wanted to accompany him to make sure he didn't waste the money. He is in his mid 30s. Needles to say that shopping trip never happened!

Oh and one more while im really putting the boot in, One birthday for my dd , I listened to the voicemail that was flashing.....

It was mil in a really creepy slow voice singing. I have NEVER heard ''happy birthday'' in such a sinister way. DH deleted it when he heard it

Merry toxic Xmas everyone!
DH recently left us, cue toxic mother crying wailing claiming to be absolutely heartbroken. Shouting at me to 'stop making this all about you' etc.
sick sick sick of it all, my enabling father sits and says nothing.
Last Xmas I spend with them. Next year me and my little boy will spend it alone. Feel NC is the only way to function without feeling like a bloody child all the time in her presence!!

Just before last Christmas my sister lost her baby (was a difficult decision, the baby had Edward's syndrome so she made the difficult choice to terminate at about 5 months).

My mum came over on boxing day and spent most of the time saying how much she missed her dog who'd passed away about 6 months before (in earshot of my sister).

As long as the conversation is about my mum she is okay. If you turn the conversation to another subject she still makes it about her.

I'm going to spend xmas day with some close family members who helped making my life a living hell when I was a child. They're ok/nice now - don't know how that happened. They're nice now, but I can't forget the past and what they did and how they never acknowledged it. I wish I could go to that family gathering and relax and have fun but it's painful esp when they decide to bring up the past and pretend it was all fine.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or are now?

TheYoni, why do you have to go? why can't you do something else?

DO they bring up the past? If so, then change the subject.

They do this to paint over the truth. thing is, if their version of life WAS true, it wouldn't need reinforcing would it? the record would just stand.

These people are nice because you are sticking to the script. they bring up the past to brainwash you and everyone else effectively

Make a promise to yourself that you WON'T waste spend time with people that have hurt you, or people who allowed it.

CrazyCat, your poor sister, how is she now? I hope that one day she has the strength to call her mother out on that, I hope you do too.

Hateful woman, who would do that?

2009. Miscarrying (2nd time) on Xmas eve.

Had to pick up DM and Dsis and they moaned and groaned and didn't speak to each other. DM using me for dumping ground at her poor relationship with Dsis. DF had died 2.5 years before, very suddenly. It was very difficult for all of us.

Me and DH made the dinner in the kitchen and pogoed around to Led Zeppelin getting nicely sozzled.

Then we made snow angels in the park.

We made the best of it.

And now this year as a family of 3 FINALLY we are having Xmas not totally, but much more on our terms.

I'm new around here, and still finding my feet, please be gentle with me!! I am just wondering if anyone else was brought up to believe that things would have been different "if only you'd been "male/female" ie opposite gender to which you were born?

About 5 years ago - went to spend Xmas period with parents (both narcs), brother (golden child) and sister (possible narc). At the dinner table a couple of days before Xmas, my brother started some of his rotten homophobic ranting, not unusual for him. I challenged him on it and he called me a 'fing c'. Twice. Then left the house and drove off in a rage.

Parents and sister just sat there. Didn't say a word. I ran upstairs and had a massive panic attack. Sister followed me up and kept trying to hug me. I yelled at her to please not touch me, she stormed out of my room and slammed the door. My mother was hot on her heels, came in, sat down and explained to me very slowly and calmly how the whole incident was my fault and I shouldn't have pulled my brother up on anything because 'he doesn't mean it'. I honestly felt like topping myself that night.

Felt sick to my stomach the next day because I felt I had ruined Xmas for everyone. So I apologised to my mother and sister the next morning. I am so angry with myself for doing that but honestly felt like I had no choice. No idea how I got through the rest of Xmas but I think I was there for about another 5 days. Luckily I had my wonderful DP (we hadn't been together very long then) to help me pick up the pieces when I got back to sanity. I don't really have a relationship with my brother anymore - he's a dangerous abusive person. I feel sad for him because he's so angry and so unhappy but I just don't feel safe around him. I am very low contact with parents and sister.

I absolutely loathe Xmas and the way it is shoved down everyone's throats. It is such a painful and downright dangerous time of year for some people and I resent how there is only one 'official' way to feel about the whole thing. It really helps sharing these feelings in a safe place with people who have been through similar

dreading christmas … dh currently making up his mind whether to stay or go. to me it seems obvious he has made up his mind to go and is just treading water till the right time comes along. grim grim grim trying to hold it all together and give him his space.

Herhonesty MY love that sounds painful.

IME, it's best to make the decision for them.... boot. door.

The fear of separation is worse than the separation itself. So said Paulo Coelho.

Trust me, it's true.

It will be OK in the end,

if it's not OK, it's not the end.

OK

Herhonesty, that sounds like a special sort of hell. I'm so sorry. Hissy's suggestion is a good one, if it's something you feel you can do. You would be spared the agony of 'maybe he'll stay, maybe he'll go'. I find it's the 'wait and see' part of decision making that just kills me - once I know what's happening I can start to get my head around it.

I'm so sorry that youre going through this

Great thread, Hissy. I'm saving it for later - by which time, I expect it will be very long!

I refuse to be involved in the usual toxic family Christmas this year. We're staying at home (just me, DH, DD and DS). I'm not making the 360 mile round trip to see my family. My mother is very upset, but I've decided that I'm no longer going to spend any of my precious holiday being miserable. I'm actually really looking forward to Christmas for once...
(I apologise for being slightly off-topic, but this thread reminded me of how horrible this time of year usually is and how I've decided to make it better).

In all of the shite of the last few years - abusive ex, hideous family (check out the recent Stately Homes thread for MY family exploits over the last few days) and also my recovery from the DV, I have learned so much.

the main thing that I learned was that emotions stop us from doing what we absolutely have to do.

I had a relationship with a non-abusive guy for a year, I had to end it in April, despite really not wanting to. He wasn't 'into me' enough.

for that reason alone, I had to get end it. hurt like hell, but NOTHING in comparison to the pain and destruction I'd have to go through if I stuck it out in a relationship that wasn't functional.

Sometimes we have to DO, then FEEL. Remember that MN is here to pick up the emotional pieces and there is a whole lot of love in our nest of vipers.

Cheers Garlic!

I figured that from now until the New Year, the toxics, the narcs and their puppets will start to ramp up the guilt tripping, the hoovering and the pretending we all oh so happy us lot pantomimes.

We will be subjected to more guilt than at any other time in the year, and what's more they'll be mob handed.

If i can give one bit of advice to all, it's to try to see the truth, live authentically and don't allow others to smokescreen you into a position where they can hurt you.

MN Manta No is a complete sentence is of great use here.

Well, this is the first Xmas where I am nc with my mother. So far this yr I've had 4or 5 reassurances as to why I'm nc.

She's phoned ss on me, I have ss assistance as I left anaabusive relationship and I was pg with 2 other kids. She was put through to my sw who took her complaintsthen rrang me, and told me about them and left it at that. Some of them were seriously worrying. Like the fact that I starved my kids. Dd2 has health problems... Thank god for my sw!!

She phoned tge RSPCA, they came out. Apparently my dog is too skinny and is "dangerous" she is a jrt x staff. She's never seen dangerous! She has never even growled or anything at either of my girls. If anyone was to get bitten, it would probably be dd2 biting the dog!

My brother came out this yr and within a week she had called him some vile names when he refused to do something for her.

She told my aunt that she "was not allowed" to take my dd abroad.. Pretty sure I make that call!!

mousey you may find things tough, but keep reminding yourself of the reasons and please don't feel guilty.

My last few days has, at least, absolved me of any guilt whatsoever wrt my mother and christmas.

I'm fairly sure that she will have a miserable christmas, I'll probably be blamed. So. Fucking. What.

Wasn't my fault, none of it.

taqngerine glad you are going away, wish I could have done. Next year we will! I will save up.

Tangerine, I completely relate to the 'we're so happy' act. My family are the same, my dad in particular, but only as long as everyone plays their roles and doesn't deviate from the script. Balls to that. I hope you have a peaceful Xmas

These people are nice because you are sticking to the script.
Hissy I’m afraid you’re right. I want to pretend that I have a large happy family and all is well, esp during xmas. If I didn’t follow the script they would turn against me and it wouldn’t be pretty. It would be a miserable xmas. I haven’t managed to start a family of my own either (have a crippling low self-esteem, thanks abusive childhood)so it would be a lonely xmas day if I didn’t go.
I also don’t feel comfortable saying no to seeing them because of what the reaction might be…
I’m planning on going but not staying very long. The holiday season makes me feel even weaker than usual, with all the happy family bullshit going on.
Any tips on seeing people like this but also be kind of emotionally distant?

Hissy, I'm not going to feel guilty. She ruined my childhood with her rages, her random picking faults at anything I did right and just by being my mother. She caused my depression and my relationship with my dd1 has suffered as she was the golden child.

I made my choice and I am finally happy with that.

Good to hear!

Be kind to yourself lovey, you are well overdue some kindness!

((hug))