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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure marriage can survive this. would yours.

77 replies

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 07:54

Baby number 4 wasn't planned. (D) h has already hurt me by saying in an argument that we should have aborted her. Well tonight it was dd2 school play. I took all 3 dc (including baby who is 13 months). As the baby was noisy I txt dh to come and get her once he got home from work. He was in a mood when we got home because the play was lomg. He basically called baby a f*ing brat that I didn't even want in front of other dc who are 10 8 and 6.
At the moment I can't bear to be in the same room as him.
Could you see a way forward from that?
Thank you

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2013 07:56

No, sorry Sad.

RM0104 · 19/12/2013 07:57

absolutely not. sorry.

Longdistance · 19/12/2013 07:58

Erm...no. Unforgivable.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 19/12/2013 07:58

Absolutely not.
Please protect your children.

worldgonecrazy · 19/12/2013 07:58

No, how sad for you and your children. What a cruel, cruel man.

DorrisM · 19/12/2013 07:58

Honestly no, I don't think our marriage would survive that. We all say things in the heat of an argument that we don't mean occasionally, but I can't imagine ever thinking such a thing. To say it and more importantly to say it in front of your other dc's is horrific. He has hurt four of you in one go.

ImAnElfJeSuisUneElf · 19/12/2013 07:59

No. No way. If he said, feels, and acts like that, no.

paulapantsdown · 19/12/2013 07:59

No I couldn't.

Friends of mine had their 2nd unexpectedly, and her husband was pressurising her to abort. They split up for a while, and even now, 12 years later, she still resents the attitude he had.

Personally, if my DH behaved this way, he'd be gone.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 19/12/2013 08:00

No. Id also.worry that things would become very bitter in a split (wrt to access being in the elder dcs favour and little to.nothing for dd4) but that is no reason to stay with such a nasty man.

Your child would be worse off living in a home with a parent who, at best, resents them and, at worst,.regrets their entire existance.

Sex = possibility of a baby, unless he had the snip, so he is as much responsible for the creation of this life as you are.

whattoWHO · 19/12/2013 08:01

No. It'd be a game changer. Talk to him.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 19/12/2013 08:04

No, as a parent I would not want to keep a man that could say that around my DCs. Life throws up difficulties for children as they are growing up. My childhood was immensley difficult through no fault of my parents, but through it all I knew my Dad loved me to bits and my Mum too. Reading your post I imagined how I would feel as a kid to have heard my Dad say that and I don't think I would have been able to survive everything that went on if I had. Not trying to be dramatic but things were eyepopping for me at times. I think I would put the Dcs first and get him out. Sorry you are going through this OP. He sounds like an immature prick!

RubyGoat · 19/12/2013 08:04

What a vile thing to say. What if the older children tell the younger one day (in an argument - if daddy can say it they will think they can). Do the older children worry that they were unwanted as well?

SmallBee · 19/12/2013 08:05

Really, really not. Think of how you'd feel raising your youngest with a father who doesn't even try to hide the fact he hates them. Eventually your DC will be old enough to pick up on it.

mammadiggingdeep · 19/12/2013 08:06

:( no. That's a very nasty comment and very cruel, especially in front of children. Most of us have to bite our tongues when the dc are present...he obviously didn't have enough respect to do that. Your poor dd4

throckenholt · 19/12/2013 08:07

It takes two to tango and he is as much to "blame" for your last child as anyone. He should be adult enough to accept that all of your children exist and deserve to be treated fairly.

It must have been a shock for the older children to hear their father speak like that.

Not sure I could cope with living in that situation - but I guess it depends on the alternatives.

Either way - you need a frank conversation with H about his behaviour and the future.

Strawberrykisses · 19/12/2013 08:49

No, even though our second child was my STBXH idea, once I was pregnant he started saying I had basically got him drunk and taken advantage, then when after he was born in arguments would say that our life would have been much better if we never had her. It's just one thing in the whole catalogue of bullshit that caused my marriage to end, but it stands out in my head as one of the most horrific and hurtful things that's ever been said to me. I will never forgive him for it.
My STBXH just resented the children in general for being an inconvenience though.

justsodamntired · 19/12/2013 08:53

No, I'm sorry. x

sebsmummy1 · 19/12/2013 08:54

God no, that is really disturbing.

Do you still live him, is this a fairly regular thing?

I was raised knowing my father would have preferred not to have had children and that did affect me. I didn't hear anything like that though. Disgusting.

sebsmummy1 · 19/12/2013 08:55

Love him

xmaspudnpies · 19/12/2013 08:56

Deal breaker.

Glittermud · 19/12/2013 09:01

What a selfish arse. My mother used to tell us she wished she 'd never had us. Trust me, that sentiment is toxic.

What is he like afterwards? Repentant?

SaltyandSweet · 19/12/2013 09:11

How horrible. Does he usually have trouble expressing himself in an adult fashion? If he's having problems with accepting your DC4 (financial worries maybe?), he needs to act like an adult and speak to you about it and, most importantly, he needs to want to change the status quo and spend time with his child to try to bond with her. If I was in your situation and my DH wasn't willing to do all this (and more - including huge apologies to the kids who witnessed his cruelty just for starters) to show true contrition, then I'm afraid I don't see how I would be able to carry on. How did your other DC react to his outburst?

mouseymummy · 19/12/2013 09:11

Nope, hell, I put up with a lot more in my marriage but saying that in front of the other dcs too??

I would have to sit down, tell homvits over just because you will not tolerate him verbally abusing your youngest and that you have serious concern that he may escalate this abuse and that he has to leave now.

spanky2 · 19/12/2013 09:21

I knew from an early age that my mum didn't want me . She also told me off for telling people ! It is emotionally damaging . You need to protect your children . He won'tchange . My mum didn't want me then and doesn't want me now .

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 09:23

All things considered, it would have been a lot more sensible if I hadn't had DC4... Doesn't change a thing now I have her though: I love her to bits; she is precious.

It's tough enough having 4 DCs without having an arse of a H to contend with. I wouldn't stay with him.