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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure marriage can survive this. would yours.

77 replies

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 07:54

Baby number 4 wasn't planned. (D) h has already hurt me by saying in an argument that we should have aborted her. Well tonight it was dd2 school play. I took all 3 dc (including baby who is 13 months). As the baby was noisy I txt dh to come and get her once he got home from work. He was in a mood when we got home because the play was lomg. He basically called baby a f*ing brat that I didn't even want in front of other dc who are 10 8 and 6.
At the moment I can't bear to be in the same room as him.
Could you see a way forward from that?
Thank you

OP posts:
Neitheronethingortheother · 19/12/2013 14:29

You need to sit him down and explain how his words were really hurtful to all of your family. If he takes on board what you say and admits that what he said was awful then I could move on on the provision that he never said anything like that again and if he agreed to spend 1:1 time with dd4 to develop a bond with her which it sounds like he hasnt done. It sounds as if he is blaming her personally rather than the circumstances of the pregnancy and timing of it which is not right and very unfair to her as she is completely innocent from this.

melmo26 · 19/12/2013 14:29

Hi our dd4 was a surprise baby too. I can't imagine my dh saying things like that. When I told him I was pregnant with dd4 he was happy too.

I'm sorry but I don't think I could forgive him for saying such a thing, especially as your older dc will remember what he has said, they might even think he feels the same about them. Sorry

MatildaWhispers · 19/12/2013 14:32

He is clearly not trying at all OP. If he was a good dad, just struggling along under financial pressure and the stress of dealing with an extra unplanned child, then he would be super aware of how he felt about his youngest. He would probably feel very guilty about his feelings. And because of that there is no way a good dad under difficult circumstances would have allowed any of these awful comments to slip out.

tiamariaxxx · 19/12/2013 15:00

OMG im sorry he sounds horrible has he always been this way? For all his faults i can never imagine my husband saying anything like this, only 1 out of our 4 children were planned and weve never ever grumbled or felt any hatred towards the kids.

Its hard to say what anyone else would do in that situation but id like to think id be kicking him out

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 19/12/2013 15:06

Id sit him down and be utterly frank.

"You cant turn the clocks back so you can either accept her or leave"

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 19/12/2013 15:13

I am probably going to be labelled one of the "hysterical" posters but I don't think you should give him the opportunity to say something so toxic in front of your poor children again. My not-so DM told me on numerous occasions that I ruined her life and she regretted not aborting me. Some kids shrug these things off and some are hideously damaged by it, but I don't think it's a risk you should take. This is well beyond normal twattish behaviour.

FestiveSpiritedwolf · 19/12/2013 16:44

I love my DH dearly, and I can't imagine him ever saying such a thing, but if he did, I wouldn't want the marriage to survive it. I hope I'd tell him where to go. It is such a cruel thing to say, and he can't take it back now you and the children have heard it.

He didn't say "Having four children is difficult/expensive/etc" which would be a bad enough. He attacked her character savagely, and she's only a baby. There is a huge risk that it will effect how her siblings will percieve her and treat her in future. It is not okay.

Clearly I'm hysterical Hmm for expecting fathers not be bully their children or say cruel things about them.

wetwetwetfan · 19/12/2013 19:32

Every man I know who is a father has immediately loved their children whether they were planned or not. Your poor baby will grow up in a home knowing they were not wanted.

In answer to your question... no..my marriage would never survive this.

((((((hugs)))))))

xmaspudnpies · 19/12/2013 19:38

I think it is quite acceptable to expect an ADULT to adjust to a new baby in the family without referring to that child in such a disdainful, hateful manner. Being disdainful towards another adult is one thing, being disdainful to a child over whom you have power, and to say those things in front of the child's older siblings is something entirely different. I highly doubt this will be the last time he acts this way - which will create a fabulously healthy family dynamic now won't it?

It would be a deal breaker for me.

fifi669 · 19/12/2013 20:15

The only thing I'm thinking about is what your DC must be feeling. They must be questioning whether their dad thinks the same about them.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 19/12/2013 21:10

What Charlottecollins said at 13.41

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 21:42

"You cant turn the clocks back so you can either accept her or leave"

Sage advice.

maleperspective · 19/12/2013 21:47

I've only registered in order to comment. I'm a man with four children and my fourth wasn't planned. In fact, I'd had the snip a few days before we found out. My wife sat me down, a bit anxious, and said 'we need to chat'. I laughed. All the rationalisation about time, money, ageing seemed irrelevant. Now we are both delighted with our family and the youngest is 14.

I don't understand hostility to ones own children. Perhaps everyone secretly favours one or another child in some way but only marginally. I can only think his hostility is really aimed at you and at his own dissatisfaction or inadequacy. If he's that unpleasant he needs help or he needs to leave.

Neitheronethingortheother · 19/12/2013 22:13

But if you separate how is that going to improve his relationship with her. Surely this is something ye can sit down and discuss.

TreaterAnita · 19/12/2013 22:22

Christ, that's horrible OP. Can I (gently) ask whether termination was an option that you explored when you found out you were pregnant, or whether it's just something he's decided to throw into the mix now she's here? Because I can see why he would perhaps be a little resentful if he said it was going to be too hard and you'd decided to go ahead, but he's left it far too bloody late now she's here (and obviously none of that excuses him saying it in front of your other kids).

In any event, in your shoes I would give him an ultimatum that either he fully accepts her and stops making these comments or one of them has to go, and it's not going to be your baby.

middleeasternpromise · 20/12/2013 01:39

what is your response to him when he makes these comments? It sounds to me as though he is primarily trying to get at you with what he says and may, in some misguided way, think it isn't affecting her because she's too young to understand. If his frustration is directed at you because he is blaming you for the whole of life's challenges, I would imagine its pretty hard for you to challenge him about any of it? is life cordial otherwise and is negativity only aroused when the needs of child 4 get discussed? what ever the case you need to come down hard on these statements and make it clear the damage a parent can do blaming an innocent child for their problems.

savemefromrickets · 20/12/2013 05:19

P

savemefromrickets · 20/12/2013 05:26

Doh!!

I feel for you, stuck between a rock and a hard place. As a separated parent I am only too aware that you lose even more control about what your dc do with and hear from your xh. I would question what would happen on 'his' weekends, would he take the first three and refuse to take the fourth? Could you let him take the fourth knowing how he feels - or doesn't feel - about her?

Could you try to get advice from Relate family counselling so you can explore this awful situation in more detail.

Nobody can make you love a child but it doesn't mean you can't show them respect and care for them and hope the love follows on in time.

Lweji · 20/12/2013 08:11

You can tell him that this is absolutely the last time he'll mention the abortion or how he didn't want the child(ren?).
In the meantime, make a plan. You may never use it, but you will be armed and will know what to do if when he does it again.

If you separate, he doesn't sound the type of man to have lots of contact with them, tbh. And if he says things like that, at least the children will know that he is the twunt and you have stood up to him.

What did you reply to him in front of the children?

madeofstone · 20/12/2013 09:24

A complete and utter bellend....Violence is never the answer and should never be route travelled, it is neither big or clever. That said I would've parted his plums if he said that in front me regardless of who he was.....

Sorry but he is a cock.

Cerisier · 20/12/2013 09:54

I will go against the grain here and ask why you both had number four if you both didn't want number four. Surely the other parent has a say?

If a father came on here and said he wanted a fourth baby and his pregnant DW didn't I don't think he would be getting much support.

However a DH who has so little control and speaks like that after the event and in front of DC is a monster. I would be very worried at the violent tone and unremitting negativity towards a baby. He is under stress and is obviously not coping with the pressure. I think as a couple you need to look at ways to reduce the pressure on each of you and find some enjoyment in life.

Keepithidden · 20/12/2013 14:59

"If a father came on here and said he wanted a fourth baby and his pregnant DW didn't I don't think he would be getting much support."

Ultimately it is always the Mother who has or should have the final say. It's her body, her decision. Of course she should probably talk about it with the Father, but no one else should overide her decision.

Original poster
scottishbelle78 · 20/12/2013 16:35

Well I was anxious breaking the news. He accepted it and never suggested abortion. I think he knew it would not be on the cards. (religious reasons) However thinking back I guess there were warning signs. I had some bleeding in early pregnancy. During the journey to the scan he said he wouldn't either way whether scan was ok.
I know I need a frank conversation but it is so scary. Ie life as a single parent is scary but I don't want to be and more importantly I don't want my children to be verbal punchbag anymore.
I guess the only hope we have is if this kind of outburst never happens again. Although in some ways the damage is done.

OP posts:
Puttheshelvesup · 20/12/2013 17:18

OP, I wish you courage and strength to broach this with your H, I know it must be incredibly hard (I asked my dh to leave last spring due to shouty bullying behaviour, and not to come back until he sought professional help, which he did, so I know it's horrible).

My dm spent 20 years 'hoping this kind of outburst never happens again', and she never addressed it with stepfather. Since he could be lovely a lot of the time she refused to admit that calling my siblings and I 'fucking ungrateful cunts' for example, was that bad. She lived in hope of him learning to behave somehow, and always said to us 'if he does it again that will be it!', but she never addressed it with him and never followed through.

I know this situation is a bit different to yours, but there are a few similarities. What has damaged me most is the fact my dm did not protect me from him. He's a twat, don't get me wrong I'm not blaming her for his actions, but she could have done something to stop it and chose not to. That hurts more than anything he did, and our relationship is very strained.

Good luck.

Original poster
scottishbelle78 · 20/12/2013 17:32

Thank you.

OP posts: