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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure marriage can survive this. would yours.

77 replies

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 07:54

Baby number 4 wasn't planned. (D) h has already hurt me by saying in an argument that we should have aborted her. Well tonight it was dd2 school play. I took all 3 dc (including baby who is 13 months). As the baby was noisy I txt dh to come and get her once he got home from work. He was in a mood when we got home because the play was lomg. He basically called baby a f*ing brat that I didn't even want in front of other dc who are 10 8 and 6.
At the moment I can't bear to be in the same room as him.
Could you see a way forward from that?
Thank you

OP posts:

MrsUnderwood · 19/12/2013 09:27

I am really sorry OP, but I think you should leave him to protect your children.

Contrarian78 · 19/12/2013 10:45

Hold tight. Was your husband always this way? Assuming he wasn't (you have a number of kids) then try and work out what's changed. If you're struggling financially it may well be that the pressure is too much for him. This doesn't excuse what he says (particularly in front of the children) but it seems as if this latest addition - very much loved I'm sure - has left him feeling vulnerable.

Us blokes aren't always good at talking through our emotions and I know from personal experience that when my ability to provide is threatened, I become incredibly stressed.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 11:07

But do you deal with stress and vulnerability by attacking children, Contrarian?

What he said was cruel.

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 11:13

I do think he is feeling the pressure financally. I am a sahm. I am under stress too though.

OP posts:

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 19/12/2013 11:17

There is no excuse. It is not forgivable to me. Only you know if it is to you though. I would worry about the effect on the older DC's tbh. They probably feel he thinks the same way about them. We are all 'under stress', it doesn't give us free range to be a cunt.

Contrarian78 · 19/12/2013 13:04

No. I'm not excusing the behaviour (not at all) but rather saying that I can relate to the way in which financial pressure can change your behaviour.

It doesn't give us free range to be a c**t tut tut but I'm asking the op to consider that her husband will take longer to adjust to the fact their life is not going to be quite as they planned it than she will. I imagine that it'll be felt more acutely this time of year.

Joysmum · 19/12/2013 13:09

If this was a one off, yes I'd put it down to hubby having a twatty moment. If it was an ongoing attitude then bye bye marriage. Children need to know they are loved. The older children exposed to that attitude towards the baby can't then know in full certainty that they weren't a mistake and aren't resented too.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 13:21

Yes, if it was a one off comment rather than an ongoing attitude. (I'm assuming he's usually a good bloke as you have a number of kids together).

I'd want to tackle the source of the stress, though. If money is a worry then you need to do something, not just hope it'll go away.

Squigglypig · 19/12/2013 13:23

My father never accepted me as his child, even though there was no evidence of my mum having an affair. He never said anything at the time but was very harsh with me and neglectful of me so it was obvious to the point that my eldest sister (who's 8 years older than him) asked him why he was always so horrible to me at the dinner table when I was about 4 or 5 (I don't remember the response).

I spent a lot of time trying to win his approval and never could. He then left my mother after my middle sister left home, and mum then had a breakdown (there were many things wrong), but I got a lot of comments about how it had all started to go wrong when I was born etc.

In retrospect I wish my mother had been strong enough to stand up to him and frankly to leave him as we'd have been better off without him.

But obviously that's my history so I don't think I'm unbiased; if you feel that his outburst was actually him showing his true feelings I would get out now.

Idespair · 19/12/2013 13:28

It sounds like he is under a lot of stress. I am not suggesting that makes it ok at all but I am saying it could explain a one off comment. I am also not suggesting his stress/pressure is greater than yours.

Actions speak louder than words. He did come to get the baby if I've read it correctly so actually even though he is stressed and verbally lashing out, he is still looking after her. He could have texted back "fuck off" and not picked the baby up and I think people on here might think that is less bad than what he actually said. But I think the marriage and family is salvageable. I think most of the replies on here are hysterical.

Shellywelly1973 · 19/12/2013 13:29

My dad was like this. Innour family there were 3 girls & finally my brother.

My dad adored me but couldn't be bothered with my younger sister. He was so disappointed in her...

Its affected her deeply. I think you & your dh need to hsve it out but ultimately your dd needs come first.

Best of luck.

worldgonecrazy · 19/12/2013 13:36

idespair you're quite right. Suggesting that a man who emotionally abuses his children is not a good husband, or someone that we would want to be married to, is hysterical.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 13:41

I am struggling to imagine the sort of person who could say this as a one-off comment.

Surely you would only say this (stress or none) if you have an underlying belief that matches it.

He has attacked the defenceless, someone he is supposed to protect. And he has indirectly wounded the rest of the family, too. That is abusive.

Remove the stress from an abuser and all you have is a more contented abuser.

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 13:47

The sad thing is that it is an ongoing attitude. Eg I made a throway comment saying it is harder to get childcare with 4. The response was. Well we didn't have to have her!

OP posts:

Idespair · 19/12/2013 13:51

One single verbal outburst under a lot of stress does not constitute emotional abuse.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 13:55

True Charlotte but even normal people can say abusive things under stress. And people can, and do, say things they don't mean. Even terrible things.

I suspect, because she's posted here, there is more to this than the OP has so far told us. But I wouldn't leave my husband in the scenario the OP describes because:

We have a strong marriage
He loves all our children
It would be so totally out of character for him

I would be massively upset, of course. But I'd also be shocked and want to know what was going on.

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 19/12/2013 13:55

There have been two though. He also said in a argument that she should have been aborted and some other stuff too.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 13:57

X Posts.

Sorry OP but I wouldn't live with that, although I might have a try at resolving it (again if other things are good and all the dissent was around the birth of DC4).

Joysmum · 19/12/2013 13:59

I've told my hubby I hated him before now. Not something I'm proud of and not at all true. I guess because I can appreciate my own imperfections it's only fair to accept others have them too.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 14:02

Have you told your DCs that, Joysmum? Whole different level of awful, imo.

FlipFlippingFlippers · 19/12/2013 14:05

If it's a repeating issue then no I'd have to leave. Saying that in front of dc's is pretty unforgivable. Especially as they're at an age to take it so literally and wonder if he wants them too. Dh asked me to abort our second dd and I said I didn't think I could. She was a very big surprise (v bad circumstances), we were both dreading having another tbh. When she was born we both instantly fell in love and all was forgotten. He respected my decision and was supportive throughout. Your dh's words and actions are awful. Sorry.

How are your dc dealing with it OP?

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 19/12/2013 14:06

What's he like apart from this, OP? Does he usually resent looking after his children? How does he treat you?

Contrarian78 · 19/12/2013 14:06

Idespair Be very careful about expressing any opinion on here that doesn't quite fit with the perceived wisdom.

OP All I was saying was (without excusing him) that you need to see it from his point of view. He will uniquely feel the stress and pressure of having another mouth to feed. If you're struggling it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Strangetownblues · 19/12/2013 14:07

Wishing your child had been aborted and telling your children you feel that way is not an imperfection. Neither is it an isolated, aberrant moment of mad cruelty, because it's genuinely how he feels, as he's said it repeatedly to the OP.

Thank goodness the law has no truck with men who have unprotected sex and then don't want the babies they've created.

Thank goodness too that there are more women on this thread who don't think their fellow women should stay with a man who is like this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 19/12/2013 14:21

What on earth is his point of view?

"That the baby is a fucking brat that he didn't even want."?

My point of view is that he is a fucking cunt of a father. Saying that, in front of the children, WILL damage them.

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