Hello
I see others have to build themselves up to posting here too. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but I am. I think it's too big to know where to start. Also I feel a bit embarrassed that I am so affected by my relationship with my parents (well, my Dad) and at my age I should have just moved on and be ok. Which mainly I am, but somehow this stuff just manages to follow me around the globe.
Some background: My mum left home when I was 3 years old. She left for another man, who was shortly after convicted for manslaughter and was imprisoned. She never came back, and contact with her was occasional and I remember her turning up late, taking me to bingo halls until the early hours and generally being quite flakey, although at the time I idolised her and was desperate to see her.
I was left with my dad. He has a very strong personality, and was setting up his own business at the time. He worked long hours, and from what I remember, he was often emotionally distant, and somewhat neglectful in my early childhood. I often stayed at the office with him until late, and went round in his car to building sites in the holidays. I remember him going out and leaving me home alone from when i was about 6 or 7. I used to get in the dog basket and hug the dog if I felt lonely. I didn't feel sad or neglected, it was all normal. I remember him being quite funny and involved at times. I think people thought he was amazing, a man doing all this on his own in the 70s. He sometimes got very angry, and his rages were very scary. I was desperate for his attention and sometimes made things up to get him to listen to me.
When I was 10, I was sent to boarding school. I didn't fit in that well, as I was from new money, and not as posh as most of the other girls. I don't have happy memories from boarding school. I missed home a lot and had a lot of worries. I often struggled to sleep at night. I had migraines every week that made me vomit, but these weren't diagnosed and staff and students thought I was trying to get out of a particular subject at school.
About this time, my relationship with my dad changed. I started to question him and answer back and have my own opinions. This caused a lot of problems and he could be very cutting, putting me down, ridiculing my opinions, and the rages increased and got worse. His rages were terrifying and often seemed to come out of nowhere. 5 minutes later he would be whistling and getting on with his normal business, whilst I was sobbing in my room. He never physically abused me, but he would say hurtful things and make me feel like a was a bad person and had behaved very badly. I guess I was the average slightly sulky teen, with angst etc, and quite strong left wing views which were opposite to his.
As my teens progressed, I very much wanted my father's approval, but found it harder and harder to get it. I was very financially dependent on him, because he used money to reward me and to patch over rows, and I got used to having it. This has been a pattern throughout my life, and I feel very ashamed of this.
Gradually I put more and more distance between us. I moved away to university, then to another part of the country and finally I emigrated. My Dad had always had very young girl friends after my mum left, and when I was 23, he started to see a 17 year old (he was 57 at the time). I found this very hard to stomach, and there were a series of hurtful events where he made it clear that I was no longer a priority. An instance of this is that she did not want me to visit the family home any more, as she did not like me, and he kind of went along with this. He continued to give occasional large financial gifts to me, and would have to admit that my life is very comfortable today because of these. If it had not been for this, I wonder if I would have been no contact a long time ago. I feel this makes me a very mercenary person.
At the time that I emigrated, my dad seemed happily married to this girl (now in her 20s) and had a small child and another on the way. i felt that I could move my family away with no regrets, as he had his own family and did not need me. Within a year of leaving, he had divorced, and started to become ill.
He has had a series of serious illnesses since I left, including bladder cancer, pancreatic cancer and seizures. At the moment, he appears to be cancer free, but as it was pancreatic, I think this is just a short reprieve. These days our relationship is very poor. He has visited here twice, and these visits have been marked by brooding bad moods, goading, rows and rages. In March, I went to look after him for a month whilst he had radical surgery for his pancreatic cancer. he was very difficult as usual, but I tried really hard to be non-argumentative, and just look after him, and it ended up with a successful visit, and he seemed to be happy with the way I had been. I had left my 2 children and my job, and it was a very hard time, but I was glad i had done it, and thought it might be a turning point.
The whole family went back to spend this Christmas with him. It was an unmitigated disaster. He was well, but he was extremely moody and difficult, and so controlling. The kids (both teens) found him unbearable. We ended up going out quite a lot to escape. I started to read on line because I found his behaviour so puzzling. I read a description of NPD, and I know it is a cliche, but it fits him like a glove. It was liberating, but also rather soul destroying.
The visit ended on a very bad note, with a classic narcissistic rage, which I did not pander to, so it escalated. His parting shot to me was "don't be such a control freak" whispered into my ear at the station after a day of not talking to me. I have come home and felt very emotionally damaged. Today I got a very poisonous letter from him, and have not stopped crying. He has retold the argument of the past 3 days in his own way and sees me as utterly evil. His parting line is "I used to be so proud of you, but not any more". I had vowed not to let him upset me any more when I worked out that he has narcissistic traits, but I can't stop feeling like it must be me. God I feel so sad about it all.
There's so much more I could tell you, but I don't know where to start. I am very scared of being like him. Sorry this is so long.