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Original poster

Lazy husband - i feel neglected

91 replies

delete · 20/07/2006 08:10

I am a regular poster by the way

My husband is so lazy in bed - he hardly ever wants to have sex and its upsetting me.

Its plain he would rather watch tv, play ps2, go straight to sleep.

He does have a hard day at work, i know this, but he has never been like this until very recently.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 13:14

bump.

OP posts:
Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 13:33

Oh forget it then.

OP posts:
schneebly · 20/07/2006 13:38

Have you tried talking to him yet? (I know how you feel btw)

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 13:39

me too I'm splitting from mine though as it's been years. At least yours is only new. It could be anything? Illness, worry....lots of things. I'd say be gentle with him, talk to him how you'd like to be talked to.

mytwopenceworth · 20/07/2006 13:43

contrary to popular belief, men are not mindless sex machines. (sadly!) he is probably tired, stressed or possibly even depressed. try spoiling him a bit with a nice dinner, or arranging a meal out or a film or buying him a gift, anything that says i love you! give him a bit of fuss with no strings attached - ie dont take him out then feel him up!!

imagine you were feeling low. how would you like your husband to help you? what little things could he do for you? do them for him.

try getting him to open up. let him know you are there to listen to him.

love him and leave his willy alone for a bit and see what happens.

apronstrings · 20/07/2006 13:44

I think having/ not having sex is very habit forming.
Could he be depressed?

waterfalls · 20/07/2006 13:44

Agree it could be illness, worry etc, my advice would not to put any pressure on him, he could resent you.

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 13:50

He's just plain lazy, and that's the truth. Apronstrings, you are bang-on with the habit-forming.

Last night I arranged for my mother to come round for her tea, then she agreed to stay for a little while dh and I went for a walk to a nice pub. He did not want to hold my hand .

We met some friends there and his face lit up when they walked in. Previous to that he had been quiet.

I don't know if i want to chat about it anymore, i'm too scared some-one recognises it's me!

But thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 20/07/2006 13:55

Blimey, are you sure he isn't my dh? We don't hold hands anymore but have been together 17 years. He often ignores me if someone else is there, namely a bloke usually. I'm the most sociable out of the two of us but he'd rather talk to others. But I have more friends than him so I don't worry.

I doubt anyone will recognise you. It sounds like you need to vent.

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:01

I should not have this problem at my age! I don't want to be old and boring. I am getting embarrassed telling him how much I love him, how much I love being with him, etc, he just pats my hand and says "Yes me too"

He has the usual excuses, "I'm tired at work"

or "Work was heavy today"

But, for god's sake, he is 34 not 64, fit and healthy.

He is just lazy.

I am off now to have a cry about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:05

We used to be so close

oh f*ck, this is shit

OP posts:
Ulysees · 20/07/2006 14:05

for you

My dh is a lot older than me but he's always been like it.

I really hope he listens to you. I bought a good book from relate (cheap from amazon) as I thought it'd help me understand more and dh can read it. It's more to help us in future as our marriage is over but I've had a good look at it and it's really good. Has talking points for both of you.

Like I've said if you're gentle with him I bet he'll come round. Anything could be the problem and I bet it isn't you.

The book is ....Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships

NotQuiteCockney · 20/07/2006 14:07

I'd try to find out what was causing this. I think "laziness" is a strange explanation. I mean, either he wants to have sex, or he doesn't, surely?

What else has been going on? Is he tired, ill, under the weather? Any bad things happened lately?

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:08

Thank you Ulysees.

Very much.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 14:08

Could there be someone else? Is he depressed?

The evil French part of me is saying, 'Well, go and take a lover then!'

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:12

Nothing new happened recently, only he has taken up a new sport, which he plays every weekend and sometimes twice in the evenings after work.

I really liked him doing that (at first), as i like seeing him happy and he really needed something away from his work.

But he has become (almost) obsessed with it, joining lots of forums to chat about it, subscribing to magazines about it, buying all the latest equipment, etc.

He doesn't do much by half, he is like this about his PS2 as well.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 20/07/2006 14:12

Oh that'd be tempting for her...well it is for me and I have had offers but I'm waiting until I'm single.

Glad I've helped a little delete. I'm all for others being happy.

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 14:13

What? twice in the evenings? What sport is this?

joelallie · 20/07/2006 14:14

I feel much like he does sometimes. Life grinds you down sometimes. Other people are easier to deal with because they don't demand anything of you. Partners and those close to you do, and that can add to the stress.

Talk to him. Have you tried that? I mean properly. Tell him that you can see something is wrong and that his lack of interest in you is beginning to upset you - what's the problem?

Calling someone lazy because they don't behave in the way you want is a bit unkind. You don't sound as if you are the slightest bit concerned about him. Try looking at it from his POV. Depression can cause lack of libido and feelings of exhaustion. And it is no respecter of youth - 34 or 64 it can hit you just as hard.

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:14

No. i mean once at the weekend and 2 evenings during the week.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 14:14

valiantly trying to quash evil French part of me

My mother's mother was French.

She once famously told us that women are better at affairs than men b/c on the whole many have the patience to find a man who has just as much to lose as she has if they are found out.

That was really all she needed to say . . .

She was widowed for many years before she died.

Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:17

I'm very sorry, joelallie, but you are completely wrong. I have spoken to him until I can speak no more. I have asked this question before on Mumsnet and there were more answers than not saying I was being harsh, and taking his side. .

OP posts:
Original poster
delete · 20/07/2006 14:18

expatinscotland, DO NOT sew that seed in mind, thanking you very much!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 14:18

Sorry!

Yes, try counselling!

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 14:20

delete, fancy coming to amsterdam with my mates and I in Dec? Hey, maybe expat could join us?

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