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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lazy husband - i feel neglected

91 replies

delete · 20/07/2006 08:10

I am a regular poster by the way

My husband is so lazy in bed - he hardly ever wants to have sex and its upsetting me.

Its plain he would rather watch tv, play ps2, go straight to sleep.

He does have a hard day at work, i know this, but he has never been like this until very recently.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

HappyBirkenstockHatingDaddy · 20/07/2006 15:38

have you talked about him about things in general, not just your sex life? How he feels, is he happy, that kind of stuff? He might open up more if you word things in a way that sounds like you are worried about him and not nagging, if you know what i mean.

Not that you are nagging him, but he might take it that way. And talk softly, we respond to that much better.

I'm not taking the piss, by the way.

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:06

LOL.

I know you are not taking the piss.

I will talk to him again tonight, but I know what he will say. "Things are busy at work".

Well, I already know that, and I'm trying to help by making him feel better. Which used to work, but he doesn't seem to be bothered with it the moment.

Do I sound like some sex-starved maniac?

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 16:07

no you don't. lovemaking is part of being in love, a way of showing how much you feel about someone.

I hope you get some joy when you talk to him.

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 16:08

Sometimes, there's nothing like a good sh*g.

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:09

It is so important to me.

Am I odd?

I know I will end up crying, will he get annoyed by that do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:10

expat, god, thats is so true.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 16:11

expat

Have you tried writing your feelings down and letting him read it?

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:12

I sent him a rather long e mail this morning, Ulysees.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 16:46

has he replied?

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:51

He did, saying very lovely things like "I love you, I'm so attracted to you" etc

I just wish he could make more effort in the actions department instead of the words.

Do I sound like I'm moaning now? Because I'm not really.

Receiving the e mail from him saying these things was lovely, but I just cannot get my hopes up, because actions speak louder than words, you know? And there is not much chance of any action without a lot of effort from me.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 16:53

How long has this been going on? Him not responding I mean.

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:54

Maybe a year or so? Just a build up really.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 16:56

That's too long IMO. I bet you're frustrated and quite angry with him? I didn't realise it was so long hun.

How long has he been doing this sport?

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 16:58

The same length of time! It co-incides also with the birth of dd2 and moving house. Everything went very smoothly, we have no money problems, we have plenty of time as a couple, nice meals out, lots of friends, you see what I mean?

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 17:00

Very strange that it's the same length of time.

Don't mean to sound awful but do you think he could be having an affair? Hope I don't offend you. It probably isn't that and just coincidence.

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 17:01

It HAS crossed my mind. I have always thought he was completely not that type of person. But I have no idea what to look for.

OP posts:

moreteaanyone · 20/07/2006 17:04

My dh was exactly the same for years we argued about it all the time until I finally stopped looking for it. Now he says he understands and wants to have sex again but I;m really not interested and would find it really awful. Even thinking about it makes me want to complete my 22nd suduko of the evening!!!

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 17:04

sorry I shouldn't have said that.

Maybe you could start a thread asking for signs? He doesn't sound like it though if he isn't taking hushed phone calls or his phone with him at all times etc...

I would try to go with him one night when he's doing his sport though but that's just me.

moreteaanyone · 20/07/2006 17:07

I actually started to think my dh was gay. Still think about it sometimes but maybe I;m looking for an excuse.

Original poster

delete · 20/07/2006 17:07

If his phone goes off, a text message arrives or whatever, he will ask "get that will you?" if I am nearest the phone, so he is obviously not worried about me reading his messages or whatever.

I will definitely tag along with him one day he is playing a game.

Thanks for chatting to me Ulysees, must go and make the dinner, bye for now x

OP posts:

Ulysees · 20/07/2006 17:10

I've thought that moretea. Now I'd happily pack his bags and go shopping with him and his friend if he had one Love him to bits but just as a brother now.

Take care delete. Sounds fine hun if he lets you get his phone. It must be something else xx

joelallie · 20/07/2006 17:11

Well if he is really being lazy - still think that's a weird way to define lack of libido but hey - and it's a new thing in your relationship, there must be something wrong. Men, IME, don't just get 'lazy' just to p*ss their partners off . What does he say when you tell him that his lack of interest is really upsetting you? Perhaps just asking what is wrong isn't going to get you anywhere - do you really let him know that you are unhappy. If he is simply in a rut he needs to know that it's bothering you so that he can make the effort to break out of it.

I don't wish to be taking the wrong side here but as someone said earlier there are plenty of mums who suffer from a lack of libido for a while. That is probably why he got some sympathy from posters here. I turned my DH down the other night 'cos it was toooo hot to be that close to anyone else and I was half asleep. He got stroppy with me which p*ssed me TBH and certainly didn't make me any keener on bedroom action!!! But he realises there are reasons for the way I feel and that it's a phase that will pass. If he had the nerve to call me lazy for not wanting a shag I'd be a bit ...sorry not 'a bit', extremely!

I can see that it is really bothering you and I do sympathise (honest ) but I don't know what to suggest if he knows the score and still doesn't change. A weekend away may help. It would definitely would for me.

I hope things get better for you soon.

moreteaanyone · 20/07/2006 17:14

Sometimes it's not 'lazy' it's just that they have no interest at all. I have tried lots of things with my dh and he doesn't seem to have any physical attraction towards me at all. He says he loves me and I know he does but I can't really see us having sex again.

joelallie · 20/07/2006 17:16

I've just read that it's been a year! Wow! Sorry. No wonder you're getting fed up. Thought it was just a short time. And you're getting time to yourselves etc. That's what causes a problem for us TBH. Apart from the being totally knackered all the time...

moreteaanyone · 20/07/2006 17:19

Is there anyone out there who lives with a dp without having sex. Advice please as to how to do it (so to speak)

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