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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lazy husband - i feel neglected

91 replies

delete · 20/07/2006 08:10

I am a regular poster by the way

My husband is so lazy in bed - he hardly ever wants to have sex and its upsetting me.

Its plain he would rather watch tv, play ps2, go straight to sleep.

He does have a hard day at work, i know this, but he has never been like this until very recently.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 20/07/2006 19:03

Is it possible he just really doesn't like initiating sex? (Did he used to start things?) Do you have to just suggest sex, or really do all the work?

chenin · 20/07/2006 20:01

moreteaanyone - I'm in that position and I can let you have my email address if you want.... or send me yours!
Its not easy....

Original poster

delete · 21/07/2006 08:11

NQC you are the oracle, babe!

He was/is painfully shy. I used to find it endearing but now it's a little annoying (I am ashamed to say).

Last night I was (ahem) rather descriptive about what I would like him to do to me. He sat there aghast and then obliged with much enthusiasm .

I think he needs to throw caution to the wind a bit more, I was very very honest (with my wants, needs and feelings) last night and I think he appreciated it.

I couldn't have done it without dutch courage gained here on MN.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 08:14

Maybe he's just nervous about being refused?

I would talk to him about different ways he can initiate things. He can talk to you, he can make hints, he can physically start things. Initiating sex doesn't have to be one person pouncing and the other sitting still! It can be a mutual thing. Maybe you can find a way for him to initiate things that works for both of you?

(I have Dated the Shy, I am familiar with the experience.)

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 08:14

Oh, and I'm glad to hear things are working better. Talking clearly about what you want can be difficult, but is generally worth it!

Original poster

delete · 21/07/2006 08:18

I believe people should tell each other stuff more. Don't you agree?

OP posts:

Ulysees · 21/07/2006 09:53

Glad to hear you had a good night Maybe in your relationship there's a role reversal to the norm? If you can accept this you could perhaps both be very happy. If he's shy he probably does want the same as you just finds it difficult to make the first move.

You're right about communication, it solves so many things if it's open.

moreteaanyone · 21/07/2006 10:51

helliebean the offer of your email address would be great. Thanks

mytwopenceworth · 21/07/2006 14:40

moreteaanyone - re your question how long without sex and how do you do it. its been over 6 years for us with no sex and it used to bother me at first because i thought it was my fault, i also went thru an 'is he gay' phase!! we've had other problems too, esp re his drinking and we've got some awful problems (£ etc!) to deal with and it all takes its toll. my dh is the type of person who when there are problems, looses all interest in sex! but then he was never much interested really, even before it just stopped, it was always me who initiated things, he never did! (although i do believe he was a bit naughty when we were first together and i suspect his long term guilt from that may be affecting him and his libido!) we have been together since dec 97, which is 8.5 years, the last 6 of them sex-free!! it's been hard, but we are ok now. we get on fine - ive been very depressed and took it out on him, even posting some awful stuff on here! .

our relationship is fine. actually, better than fine. now i can see that my depression has been affecting the way i treated him, we are getting the fun back, which is lovely. we work well together. we are a good team! to be honest, i dont even care about sex any more. i think it would feel very odd to start having it again.

ok, i am waffling! i know that both you and delete are unhappy with your respective situations, so of course that is why it is a problem, what i am trying to say is sex doesnt have to matter! other people will say it does, it has to, there is something 'wrong' with a sexless relationship. there isnt. if both parties are ok, then its ok. it is only a problem if one of you is unhappy. so yes, after all that, there are people who go without sex and they do it because it is something that is not important to them. xxxxx

FullOfTestosterone · 21/07/2006 15:20

Delete, can you do the role reversal?

I'm asking because your description fits relationship perfectly!

He is shy, and he would like me to start things...

Problem is, I want to be swept off my feet and feel desired....

Not sure how to solve the impasse.

Hope your get sorted it out!

FullOfTestosterone · 21/07/2006 15:21

meant to say... my relationship...

doggiesayswoof · 21/07/2006 16:08

Hi delete. Not read all of thread so may be echoing what others have said - sorry if I am.

Can you carry on taking the initiative for a while and telling him what you want him to do? Sounds like it worked really well and he obviously loves you/fancies you/finds you desirable. Hard to know what is making him so reticent but I think sex is very habit forming, the more you do it the more he will want to do it and hopefully you will be able to open up more with each other. Talking is so important - I have gradually started communicating more with my dh (with us I am the shy one) and not only does it help with the practical side IYKWIM it also makes us both feel more... erm... horny - just talking about what we want to do. If he needs to build up his sexual confidence a bit this will maybe help and you might find yourself being ravished yet. Always find saucy texts are helpful too. HTH and hope things get better.

moreteaanyone · 21/07/2006 16:39

mytwopenceworth thanks for your comments. It is actually good to know that others are very happy with that kind of arrangement and maybe I'll be happy too now that the pressure of will he wont he is taken away. Thanks.

helliebean · 21/07/2006 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chenin · 21/07/2006 21:59

I meant to add moreteaanyone that I'm away for 4 weeks from this Thursday if you don't email for a while and don't hear frome me!

MinkyCustard · 25/07/2006 13:44

I am in a similar situation. I am fed up with always initiating the sex and always being rejected. Told him if he didn't give me more sex I would look elsewhere, we did it that night and not since - that was the 13th June.

Does he think I am bluffing? Because the way I feel, if I get the opportunity I will take it.

I have always been more interested in sex than him and have come to the conclusion he is a prude too.

I have tried talking to him, as I feel unwanted and not just sexually but he doesn't see that there is a problem and he says he does want me. I disagree.

Feel really bad to feel this way but I cannot exist without sex. Maybe it is me that has the problem not him?

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