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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please about OW

79 replies

FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 15:08

I will try to be brief. Found out husband was having a very long distance affair with a colleague, whom he sees in person twice a year. They had been messaging a lot for just over a year, and have slept together on several occasions, at work conferences. It is now over, and he is working hard to win back my trust and love, and I am trying to get over the devastation that has been caused.
She is still with her husband and family, and surprisingly has been publicly mooning over my husband on music sites, etc. I know I shouldn't look, but I did. It was a huge trigger, and in the end my DH emailed her and told her to stop, and move on. She emailed back saying she is still in love with him and that she was a victim in all of this...was fragile, couldn't stop crying, etc. With my blessing he responded telling her to read up on affairs, what they are based on (lies and negativity) and to get a grip; that he is very much in love with me, and we are getting ourselves back together. I, however, am furious that she chose to tell him that she is in love with him still. He is not interested, but I really want to contact her and tell her to back off and stop wallowing. WWYD?? I just don't feel I can let it go...she has also tried to contact him 3 times secretly on work intranet/facebook/email. He has not responded.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

gaygirlwales · 17/12/2013 15:13

Personally I wouldn't have given him a 2nd chance but that's no help.

Why doesn't he block her on all social media sites, change number etc

NollaigShona · 17/12/2013 15:17

Oh Foxy, I am sorry that this has happened.

The OW sounds a bit too determined for my liking. If she is still pursuing your DH, do you think he may fall for her again? If so, the current tactic may not work.

I think most people on here may advise you not to contact her. I am not sure. If I was in your shoes, I don't think I could stop myself from contacting her. But, I am a poor person to give advice.

What would you think of your DH contacting her for one last time and says something like if she continues he will tell her husband/boss/facebook contacts/ whoever she doesn't want to know?

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 15:29

Perhaps your husband should react the same way he would if anybody else was repeatedly contacting him to the point of harassment? Perhaps a solicitor's letter to cease and desist?

lunar1 · 17/12/2013 15:34

I'll get flamed here but I'd be contacting her husband. He has the right to know and needs an sti check.

mammadiggingdeep · 17/12/2013 15:37

Agree with lunar actually. She's still disrespecting him and he should know.

Jan45 · 17/12/2013 15:52

Oh here we go, the mad OW now stalking the man she ravaged and came on to, poor man now can't get peace from her, she thinks she loves him, wonder why she thinks that.

What you are experiencing is the fall out from your HUSBAND'S behaviour, you've decided to stay with him and now you are sucking up the fall out.

If you want to lower yourself to your husband's behaviour then get in touch and make a complete fool out yourself, otherwise see this for what it is, a woman that was probably used and abused, lied to and deceived and is finding it hard to get over.

CynicalOptimist · 17/12/2013 16:14

Hi FoxyTerrier I sympathise with the situation you find yourself in I really do but I think you may have inadvertantly encouraged her by getting your husband to contact her after the affair was over.

The best plan would have been to ignore and block all contact to social network sites and take the approach that you were going to focus all your attention on rebuilding your life and leave her to wallow if she wants! All this continuing contact is just adding fuel to the fire.

Block, ignore and concentrate on rebuilding - I wish you luck

FolkGirl · 17/12/2013 16:23

Yeah, I wouldn't have given him a second chance either.

I wouldn't quite go as far as Jan - this isn't a woman who was used and abused, lied to and deceived. This was a silly selfish woman who deserves all the heartache and misery she is now experiencing. You and her husband are the 'victims' in this. Not her.

In your shoes, I would probably want to email her saying, "fuck off you dirty little tramp".

In reality, I'd kick my cheating, faithless dick of a husband out.

I doubt that helps you though. Sorry.

Jan45 · 17/12/2013 16:35

The OPs husband had an affair with this lady for over a year and you say she wasn't used, abused, lied to or deceived, seriously?

You actually think the husband is a victim - hahahahahaha, sorry this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time....

Jan45 · 17/12/2013 16:35

FolkGirl: Ah, I've read that wrong, sorry! Thankfully.

FolkGirl · 17/12/2013 16:43

But she also had an affair with him. They were both complicit in cheating on their own spouses with someone else's. He didn't use her any more than she used him.

I don't buy into this women are guileless victims of nasty men when they start shagging married men.

FutureDreamer · 17/12/2013 16:45

Your husband had an affair for over a year and your biggest issue is she has tried to contact him?!

Perhaps you should consider why she thinks that is appropriate? The answer is your DH has spent the last 12+ months telling this woman that he loves her, adores her, they have the best sex ever, if only things were different etc etc

Contrary to popular belief the OW are not all deranged stalkers, trying to snatch men who are not interested. Most men have made it very clear they are. Even if they're not quite ready to admit it to their wife

Mattissy · 17/12/2013 16:57

You're not in the wrong to give him another chance, if that's what you both want then you can make things strong again, it'll be hard work but it's not impossible. He does have to go non contact with the ow though, nothing, nada, nil.

She maybe hurting but you don't owe her anything and your husband owes you everything. If that means he's a complete arsehole to her then so be it, I have no sympathy for her. She's not a victim.

Just ignore her and the rest of the world and get on with putting your life back together, you need 100% commitment from him.

Jan45 · 17/12/2013 17:10

FolkGirl: fair point.

EQ2Junkie · 17/12/2013 17:22

Your H spent a year having an affair with her. If you hadn't found out it would still be going on.

It is only now that you know and the shit has hit the fan and reality is biting your H that he is in love with you and she can get lost.

Why would her feelings for him have vanished just because the shit has hit the fan and he has decided he wants out of the affair rather than lose you?

Yes she is equally as guilty as him for having an affair and if she had any dignity she would fuck off quietly but have no doubt that he would have told her he had deep feelings for her and if only...

He is the one you should be furious and aiming all this at, not her. He brought this to your door.

wannaBe · 17/12/2013 17:38

the fact this is an affair or even that he told her he loved her is irrelevant really in the context of the contact that is happening now.

The fact is, the relationship is over. He doesn't want to be with her any more in any way shape or form. If this wasn't an affair and just a relationship which had fizzled out and the woman, or man, was contacting the other party saying how much they loved them and wanted them back etc mn'ers would be saying it was pathetic and the individual should get some bloody self respect.

The fact this was an affair doesn't make it any different. How ever this man was found out, he no longer wants to be involved with this woman and wants to make a go of his marriage and his dw wants to give their marriage that chance. So now the ow needs to back off, in the same way as if he had decided that he just didn't love her any more and wanted out of a legitimate relationship.

Op - your dh needs to just stop responding to any contact from this woman. no warnings, no messages, no response to contact. block her number even and delete it, and move on with your lives and ignore her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2013 17:39

Agree with EQ2Junkie. Take it out on your husband.

Also OP, if YOU have contact with the OW it will look as if your husband doesn't really mind the contact with her, it's only you that's kicking off about it. Your husband needs to tell her that there will be no more contact - and actually mean it. Does he? He should be protecting your marriage now... is he? Really?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2013 17:40

Agree with EQ2Junkie. Take your anger up with your husband.

NotYoMomma · 17/12/2013 17:43

I would forward the email and correspondance to her dh as already said.

also - have YOU had an sti check?

Original poster

FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 17:48

I am under no illusion that he is the innocent party in all of this...I AM furious with him, and he knows this in no uncertain terms. However, in all of my anger, sadness and fury, I love him, and believes he also loves me...though his behaviour has made me question everything. I do want to make it work though, and he has been nothing but remorseful, and has been doing all the 'right' things (it feels wrong saying that somehow). We have been together 21 years, have young kids, have been best friends and I think I'm right in saying, we both felt we had a good and happy relationship, on the whole.

I do not 'blame' her. I know they were equally guilty in the affair. But I am angry that she didn't keep the fact that she is in love with him to herself. I do wonder if I should contact her husband...he was the person that called me from the other side of the world to inform me. But they have young kids too, and I know I'd be fucking it up for them all. I hate him for putting me into this situation.

He has ceased all contact, and blocked her on any social networking sites. But I was looking on an open forum (I know), and that's how I found this stuff. I was snooping, and got what I deserve I suppose.

CynicalOptimist....I think you are right...maybe it has added fuel to the fire. I know I should just get on with 'us'..but I think I want to put her straight, out of revenge. Not a good motivation. I think the general message is stay dignified, isn't it!

OP posts:

Original poster

FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 17:51

LyingWitch yes, he has told her in no uncertain terms that there should be no contact. That is when she replied, furious with him for casting her aside, and telling him she still loved him.

No, I've not had an STI check. I need to, don't I...but am scared.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 17/12/2013 17:52

I know I'd be fucking it up for them all

It wouldn't be you doing that, no. It would be her. She is her husband's problem, not yours. Hand her back if that's what you want to do.

MimiSunshine · 17/12/2013 17:55

To be honest, what did you expect her to say? You knew she was "publically mooning over him" so it's hardly likely she'd reply with oh ok I'll stop, I was just a bit bored.

I doubt this will be a popular view but for what it's worth, I think if you've decided to forgive him and move on then I think you have to do the same with the OW.
I'm not saying forgive and become her BFF but you clearly (and quite rightly) have a lot of anger towards her. But how will you truly move on in your marriage and put it behind you if you carry it around?

They were both at fault, Are you sure you haven't just redirected your hurt and anger to her from your H? Don't contact her, both of you block any social media contact from her and work on letting it all go rather holding on to the need to confront her.

Original poster

FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 18:04

Mimi...'letting it all go' and moving on, really is what I want to do. 3 months in, I have very good days and truly awful days. I know it's still very early on, but I still cannot believe that he did this to me

FolkGirl I do realise, I sound like a bloody idiot saying that. Ordinarily, I would never class myself as a doormat, but when I think of her husband and their kids, who are younger than mine, I have huge doubts about telling him. I find the whole thing an utter headfuck!

Thank you everyone for replying.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2013 18:05

Don't contact the OW. You will regret it. Maybe not immediately. But you will.

The NC message has to come from him. He needs to block her everywhere.

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