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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please about OW

79 replies

FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 15:08

I will try to be brief. Found out husband was having a very long distance affair with a colleague, whom he sees in person twice a year. They had been messaging a lot for just over a year, and have slept together on several occasions, at work conferences. It is now over, and he is working hard to win back my trust and love, and I am trying to get over the devastation that has been caused.
She is still with her husband and family, and surprisingly has been publicly mooning over my husband on music sites, etc. I know I shouldn't look, but I did. It was a huge trigger, and in the end my DH emailed her and told her to stop, and move on. She emailed back saying she is still in love with him and that she was a victim in all of this...was fragile, couldn't stop crying, etc. With my blessing he responded telling her to read up on affairs, what they are based on (lies and negativity) and to get a grip; that he is very much in love with me, and we are getting ourselves back together. I, however, am furious that she chose to tell him that she is in love with him still. He is not interested, but I really want to contact her and tell her to back off and stop wallowing. WWYD?? I just don't feel I can let it go...she has also tried to contact him 3 times secretly on work intranet/facebook/email. He has not responded.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 17/12/2013 18:09

Oh I'd feel the same.

It's a pity she didn't give the same depth of thought to her husband and children as you are Sad

Original poster
FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 18:18

She is blocked everywhere, but there is the work link, which means she can message him privately if she chooses to. I have to hope he doesn't respond...though I really don't think he is interested having seen the sadness it's caused. They will have to face each other again at some point (unless one of them changes jobs)...and it would be for a week long 'staff meet up' abroad. That was how it started Sad He is now seeking other employment.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 17/12/2013 18:54

ok, so she didn't contact him per se but posted somewhere publically that she was still in love with him? I would just ignore that tbh. don't give it any credence - act as if you haven't even seen it, and don't go looking again.

The important bit now is your marriage - focus on that, and if you're certain your dh isn't going to be tempted back there and has gone nc then nothing she does can get to you.

Needing to see each other for work is possibly unavoidable, and finding a new job is easier said than done in the current climate, but he has to be committed to you and your marriage, and only he can make that happen.

Noctilucent · 17/12/2013 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FoxyTerrier · 17/12/2013 21:56

Noctilucent...yes, I do wonder if that would be the thing to do, it's just I said up-post, I know it would destroy him and his young kids. I don't know if I have the heart...but at the same time, feel like it's self preservation to a degree.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 17/12/2013 22:26

If her H finds out and kicks her out, it will make the situation 100 times worse. I wouldn't risk it.

Noctilucent · 17/12/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/12/2013 23:01

I would contact the DH and say: Please could you stop your wife stalking my husband and telling him she loves him. We are trying to move on.

Disclaimer: I'm not very nice.

TheOwlService · 17/12/2013 23:21

If I were in Your situation I

Would defo not tell her husband. It will make the situation worse and only hurt yourself more and

Insist your husband leaves his present job asap. While they are still working together there is always, and I mean always, the chance their relationship could start up again.

Cabrinha · 18/12/2013 00:03

He dumped her then told her to get a grip?
Not surprised he got a rant back.

I think he should ignore her totally now - no more patronising mails about getting a grip.

As said up thread, this situation is his doing. So, he needs to reassure you and make you trust him. You need to feel that it is no threat whatsoever if she posts on the same sites as him, declares love for him.

Tbh, even though it would be silly to tempt date re the work thing, your husband needs to make you trust him so much that you wouldn't worry about them being abroad together.

The energy here should be going into him making you feel trusting, not telling her to get a grip.

Blondeorbrunette · 18/12/2013 04:36

I once saw a couple of messages on Facebook from a woman to my husband asking him to meet up for coffee. He declined and she replied with I was very attractive. Weird.

I took a screen shot and sent a message to her husband saying more or less what pp suggested.

He never replied to me, but I know he read it.

A pp also said nc had to come from him as it will look like your the only one her messages bother.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 18/12/2013 04:49

I would be sending a message along tge lines of You are making this more difficult for yourself, leave him alone or I will repay tge favour your dh did me!

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/12/2013 05:22

What would I do? I'd gather up my self respect and kick the cheating shit of a husband into touch. It's him that cheated on you - not her. Transferring your anger to her is blaming her. He's got away with it. He will do it again. And again.

VanillaEnvelope · 18/12/2013 06:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

talksomesense · 18/12/2013 07:08

I was the OW and the MM sent me a similar email clearly worded by his wife asking me never to contact them again (I wasn't intending to). He then sent me a seperate email from his work account saying his wife had made him send that. Since then he won't stop contact but is telling his wife a very different story at home. Could he be telling her one thing and you another?

threelittlebigpigs · 18/12/2013 08:52

I don't think there are any set rules for this type of situation. You have to do what works for you. I don't think that an email to the OW would hurt, reminding her that the children involved are the most important thing here, not her feelings. I can't say that I've never had a moment's regret over contacting the OW. It was actually one of the best things I did for moving on. Though I didn't move on with my EXH. What I am trying to say is that you have the right to do whatever feels the best for you & your children. It's about being able to get through in crappy circumstances. You can't control what anyone else does from here - your husband or OW, but you are in control of your own actions & reactions. Save your energy for you & your dc. I hope things work out for you.

PiratePanda · 18/12/2013 09:00

She won't read anything you send her and she doesn't give a shit about your feelings. You and your DH need to ignore, ignore, ignore, NC, NC, NC. If she ups the anti to a stalkerish level your DH (not you) should send a solicitor's "cease and desist" letter to her at work (not home).

Don't contact her DH. That's just vengeful and twattish and will hurt innocent people.

Notnastypasty · 18/12/2013 10:58

Foxy, I c

Notnastypasty · 18/12/2013 11:00

Oops posted early! I contacted the ow and I'm glad I did. As soon as the affair was out she backed off immediately but I still wanted to speak to her. I know I could possibly get her fore for I could tell her partner. I've decided against both of these.

However, if she was acting the way that this OW is then I would contact her and threaten to tell her husband - see if that will scare her off!

Notnastypasty · 18/12/2013 11:01

Sorry I meant - get her fired

Jan45 · 18/12/2013 11:12

It all sounds a bit sad though, women who have been cheated on having to warn the OW off, again, the man sits back whilst the poor wife does all the work to get things back to some normality.

Don't forget this woman was dumped only once the affair came to light, through her husband - it's hardly surprising she's upset and still has feelings, clearly he finds it a lot easier to cut the contact, possibly because he fed her that many lines, she actually thought she had a future with him - what a charmer.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 11:34

I don't think its vengeful and twattish at all.

I think contacting the DH is justifiable. You are an innocent party, he is an innocent party, why are you having to keep her secrets from him?

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 12:13

Well I still don't have any sympathy for the women who believe the things a proven liar is telling them.

Why do they believe the lines they are fed?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 12:18

I agree with FolkGirl. The OW had choices, she had responsibility over her actions. So what if she's upset and still has feelings? She walked into this. She's not some innocent.

Tell her DH. She'll stop then.

TheFantasticFixit · 18/12/2013 12:36

By open forum, do you mean similar to this on mumsnet? Was she seeking some sympathy/empathy/help with dealing with her feelings for your husband? While I can understand how uncomfortable it must be to read that I can't see how it is 'stalker ish' and from your previous posts it would seem she has respected your DH's request for nc. It is surely better that she finds a way of dealing with her feelings away from you - you have admitted that you 'went looking' for what you found.

Both OW and your husband are o blame in equal measure but your husbands patronising behaviour since it has been revealed would stick in my mind - very cold and calculating, I'm not surprised that she was absolutely furious after 12 months of bullshit from him. Mind you, what I'd she expect from an affair?

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