Advice please about OW

[FoxyTerrier]

I will try to be brief. Found out husband was having a very long distance affair with a colleague, whom he sees in person twice a year. They had been messaging a lot for just over a year, and have slept together on several occasions, at work conferences. It is now over, and he is working hard to win back my trust and love, and I am trying to get over the devastation that has been caused.
She is still with her husband and family, and surprisingly has been publicly mooning over my husband on music sites, etc. I know I shouldn't look, but I did. It was a huge trigger, and in the end my DH emailed her and told her to stop, and move on. She emailed back saying she is still in love with him and that she was a victim in all of this...was fragile, couldn't stop crying, etc. With my blessing he responded telling her to read up on affairs, what they are based on (lies and negativity) and to get a grip; that he is very much in love with me, and we are getting ourselves back together. I, however, am furious that she chose to tell him that she is in love with him still. He is not interested, but I really want to contact her and tell her to back off and stop wallowing. WWYD?? I just don't feel I can let it go...she has also tried to contact him 3 times secretly on work intranet/facebook/email. He has not responded.
Thanks for reading.

She walked into this. She's not some innocent.

^^ This

what did she expect from an affair?

^^ and this.

Honestly, why are you wasting your time and energy on this woman? You are fixating on her rather than your husband. Your husband was the one who cheated on you, who broke his marriage vows, and all the time you are focused on the OW, he is getting away with what he did.

I personally couldn't stay with a man who cheated on me, not because I couldn't forgive, but because I would drive myself insane thinking about it. However, you have decided to give him another chance, and I admire that. However, you can't let yourself be destroyed by his actions, don't sink to their level by trying to police them. HE is the one who needs to prove he can be trusted again, it's not your job to keep him away from other women in order to stop him cheating - trying to do that will damage your health. You need to learn from what happened, understand what your husband is capable of and then sit back and let him prove to you that he will never make this mistake again.

Personally, I think in a way, this other woman being in touch is not a bad thing - it gives you the chance to see how trustworthy he is around her, it's HIS problem, let him deal with it. You just focus on what HE needs to do for you, to make this better.

Just had to add that warning off the OW was not why I contacted OW. I wrote to thank her for drawing my attention to what a twat I was married to, sooner rather than later. Plus to say a few other things about the impact of the sorry mess on my dc. No matter how you have dealt with the matter with your other half, the fall out from the affair does mean you spend a ridiculous amount of time obsessing about the OW, even if that is only wondering what the hell they were thinking. I agree that this is a massive waste of time and hugely destructive. It doesn't stop you from doing it though. For me, a few well chosen words really helped me to draw a line under the episode and stopped me driving myself mad. And the OW did read my message. Looking back the most important thing was that it helped me to channel all the negative feelings I had, process everything and get on with my life.

And I don't consider someone who has been cheated on as 'sad' for warning off the OW/OM, if that's what they think is a helpful course of action at that time. Who would all of these people be, who are supposedly sitting in judgement over someone who is reeling from a horribly traumatic discovery? There are more pressing things to worry about than wagging tongues and what other people think.

The thing is, if you're still checking up on her on forums and haven't had an STI check then you haven't (not unsurprisingly) moved on very far.

But I am angry that she didn't keep the fact that she is in love with him to herself

Why should she? She obviously wants him in some way or other, whether that be to resume the affair or for him to leave you & in her head, she can only achieve either of those if she tells him how she feels.

The fall out from an affair is very messy, and with it having gone on for a year it is easy to see how she fell in love with him.

If your husband doesn't want to hear stuff like that, he shouldn't have promised her the earth & then dropped her as soon as he was busted. In this way I agree that she was, to all intents & purposes, used. You don't drop someone like that if you love them, if he didn't love her, he used her for sex. Because if he cared for her at all, he would not have dropped her so readily. And if he cared for you, he would not have done this to you. He has little respect for you or her, or any other woman for that matter.

And if you don't want to read/hear that she loves him, then perhaps you need to rethink your relationship with him. She cannot be expected to bury all feelings she had for him, just because he seems to have done so. You can block her & hope she will go away, but unfortunately, op, your dh has added another person to your relationship now & if determined enough, she won't be going away for some time.

Well said Different...

I really disagree with the 'she was used' narrative.

We don't know that. Why assume the ow is the victim and not the equal. Just because she is still pining means nothing.

There have been many stories on here of wives who maintained dignity at all times and feel good about it. There have been stories on here of wives who took revenge and felt good about it. Do what suits you.

Also op, how do you know what forums she uses? And why are you going looking for what she has written? If she put on that forum that she loved your dh, then you can't really do anything about that, it is hardly stalkerish of her, she is sharing her feelings! Infact, it looks more like you are stalking her if you are looking on forums to see what she is writing.

I am not saying that what either of them did is right, btw. They both have very little moral compass to cheat on their spouses, but you can't lump all the blame on her now just because you are determined to keep your marriage going.

We don't know that If she wasn't being used the husband would not have found her so easy to cast aside. You don't cast something you love aside. His feelings would have been conflicted, he would have wanted to hold onto the OW, to find a way to be with her.

He didn't do any of that. He dumped her. Ergo = he used her for sex.
Either that or he can turn his feelings off pretty damn quickly, which is very impressive.

I did not state that she was a victim, but she has been used, without a doubt.

I disagree. I've dumped plenty of people I haven't used- people ive loved even.

The ability to have a clean dump doesn't indicate a user.

That sounds wrong doesn't it?

No but her actions alone prove that she had deep feelings for this man and tbh as has been said if she posts on a music forum site then that's her business, the OP shouldn't be stalking her and in fact the OP shouldn't be doing anything apart from making her husband grovel for the rest of his miserable life.

And yes, that sounded all wrong but funny.

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. It is just an awful time, and I am having problems processing, and believing, what has happened.

I do believe she was an equal in all of this...and I really don't believe that my husband was an innocent. I have not given him an easy ride, and yes, I do focus my hatred on her, but I focus it on him just as much. I really don't believe she was used...she arranged a 24 hour flight to come over here for a quick shag..under the pretence of visiting friends and family. She was as keen and proactive in the deception as he was. For what it's worth, I believe that they were on the cusp of ending it...she had left messages on her phone for her husband to see - saying she fell asleep whilst messaging (time difference), so I think she was trying to push a decision on.
I really am under no illusion about my husband's behaviour and how vile it was...I feel sick and sad about it every day. It just seemed so out of character, I'm still reeling.

Oh God, I'm not a stalker!!! (though can see it might look that way!)

It sounds pathetic; they bonded over a love of music. That's how they started up their messaging relationship. It then crossed over into something else, a couple of weeks later she told him she was really 'into him' and couldn't believe they saw life through 'the same lens' - ego stroked. Job done. Fucking pathetic and weak - that's my husband!

Sorry, didn't finish that post...that's why I looked at the music site...I knew that she would be trying to relay her feelings through it as her husband had banned any contact, and had all her passwords. But she still tried to contact via work internal system and other methods.

He will have told her he loved her, and she believed him. Now she can't quite believe he can wipe her away like shit off his shoe.

MN is full of women that have been lied to, whatever status the relationship was.

This is the sort of man you want to stay married to. I would not want such a Booby Prize.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism

I do understand what you are saying, I think we will have to agree to disagree.

The ability to have a clean dump doesn't indicate a user.

That's the thing though, it wasn't a 'clean dump' was it? She was thrust aside as soon as he thought he was going to lose everything, giving not one thought to the promises he made her, or how she would feel. It would be clean if he said (before being found out) 'I am sorry, this is wrong, we shouldn't be doing it' and walked away. Yeah, it probably still wouldn't be pretty, but he wouldn't be dropping her to save his own selfish skin.

I believe that they were on the cusp of ending it I don't. If you are ending an affair you don't leave messages for anyone to find. She left those messages for her dh to find because she wanted to end it with her dh in the hope that your dh would then end it with you.

She booked that flight because he wanted her, what did he promise her? OK, she wanted a shag, but that is how deep she was in. SHE paid for a flight, SHE came to him. Did he ever fly to her? I bet not, I bet he let her do the running & then as I said, dropped her to save his skin.

OP, please do not think I am siding with the OW. I do understand how devastating it is to be cheated on, but as I said before, he invited her into your life & he has done this to you. Leave her alone to write what she wants, stop looking for what she is writing. If you are happy & confident in your choice, if you dh has left her, why do you need to know what she is saying?

Or were you expecting to find your dh talking to her on that forum? If you have to check up on him, you won't ever move on.

Are you sure they only met twice in a year? Even if they did, they were in constant contact via other avenues for well over a year, the OP said they slept together on several occasions, this is more than enough to have built up a deep and meaningful relationship.

I would doubt the woman was anything but in love, even the greatest shag wouldn't make you fly that far unless there were feelings involved, I have no doubt the OPs husband made it quite clear there was more to this than just a quick fumble.

No he is definitely NOT George Clooney...more's the pity!
Yes, there were definitely only 2 staff meet ups...a week at each, where they slept together a few times at each, and then the 4 hour encounter when she flew over here. I just cannot imagine the scenario. Yes Jan45, they had been instant messaging, and latterly skyping for just over a year.
I don't want to come across as blaming her and defending my husband, because I really don't feel that way. I just hate her, more than I hate him. His explanation is that they thought they were in love with each other, but as soon as he was confronted it was as if a bubble burst and it all came crashing down....it was very 'teenage' in a way. I think they spent a lot of time angst -ing about the unfairness of not being together, blah blah. It's so weird, as he's just not like that ordinarily!!!
Have stepped away from the cyber stalking and trying to focus on us...has been a more positive couple of days; but things are still swinging between devastation and elation.

I hope you're doing OK today Foxy, i really feel for you, you come across as a very lovely, level-headed woman but it's natural to hate the OW, you're just human!

I hope I'm not being negative here but I'm slightly suspicious of how quickly your husband "saw the light"........please be sure he really IS staying no contact and is doing everything to fix this awful mess HE is responsible for causing.

The elation and devastation you feel are all part of the roller coaster ride that is reconciliation I'm afraid. Be kind to yourself, try of focus on what is best for YOU and vent when you need to, if your husband is truly repentant and wants to fix things he will just have to cope with supporting you through the bad times.

I really hope things work out for you.

Wishing you all the luck in the world Foxy and don't take the slightest bit of crap in an way from now on, I'd imagine your hubby is on a very sticky wicket.

Ignore. Don't give the drama queen any room in your head or in your marriage. She is an utter distraction from the truly hard back-breaking work of reconciliation that you have chosen to embark on.

You said the OW's H knows already? In which case there is no need to tell him unless she ramps it all up and you need him on side.

Good luck