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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP finally going to GP about anger issues... advice needed.

98 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:19

There is a lot of back story here but I will try and keep it as brief as I can. DP and I have a two year old DD, we had a fantastic relationship until DD was born but then not long after, he started having explosive anger problems. It came on very suddenly and has only gotten worse. He was always quite moody (but nothing i couldn't deal with), has been depressed when he was younger and has a lot of genuine family/upbringing issues. But i can not and will not deal with his angry, aggressive outbursts any more as he scares me and scares DD. I put it to him the other night, after a particularly bad episode, that he either gets help or we are through. He has a GP appointment Monday morning.

He has never hurt me physically but has threatened to 'push' me out of the room once. He always kicks or breaks objects rather than any violence towards me or DD. These episodes don't have any pattern, sometimes he will be fine for months and then suddenly have 3 in as many weeks. He is very unpredictable.

It's really tearing me apart as when things are good with us it's amazing, we have a great relationship 90% of the time and I truly do not understand why he can't control himself. What saddens me the most is when he does in front of our DD. I have been on the verge of asking him to leave a few times lately.

Has anyone every had a partner who has come out the other side after having had therapy? I think he really wants to stop it as he acknowledges he has a problem, he knows what he does is wrong and unacceptable. He has tried self help books but it's not achieved a permanent, lasting solution. Should I go to the GP with him or any therapy sessions? I've never had to deal with such things before so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
sarahlou75 · 14/12/2013 22:27

Hi moonshine, my expartner had an addiction problem which led to a mental breakdown. I did go with him to the gp and psychiatric services. Unfortunately it didn't save our relationship I had to put my two and a half year old dd first.
It isn't easy dealing with these things and mumsnet was a fantastic support for me. I wish you luck but ultimately only he can decide to change. Don't raise your daughter in a climate of fear I tried to fix things for 9 months and it nearly broke me. Believe me if it's worth saving it's him who needs to fight for it Thanks big hugs best wishes

TheCrumpetQueen · 14/12/2013 22:28

I think for the sake of your DD's well being you should ask him to leave while he sorts himself out. It's not fair on her to witness it. He will probably take it more seriously that way.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:35

Thanks Sarahlou, I will go with him if he wants me to i guess. I really hope he does want me to come because I think they need to hear it from the person on the receiving end as I don't think he realises how extreme his behaviour is.

CrumpetQueen, I would do that but he literally has no where to go. The only place he could go in theory is his mum's but that is really not a good move as far as his mental health is concerned! She is unfortunately the cause of most of his long standing problems :(

OP posts:
Kundry · 14/12/2013 22:36

Does he get angry with people who are bigger than him? Does he get this angry at work or in public?

If no then he doesn't have an anger management problem does he, as he is perfectly capable of managing his anger when there are negative consequences to himself.

I'd suggest you look to protect your DD and yourself rather than taking responsibility for fixing him.

ASmidgeofMidge · 14/12/2013 22:37

Xpost with Kundry: was about to say the same. This is about control not anger.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:40

I hear you Kundry and have said as much to him. He says he doesn't know why it happens at home and not at work. I almost wish he did do elsewhere as he makes me feel like its my fault sometimes even though i know damn well its not.

OP posts:
ASmidgeofMidge · 14/12/2013 22:41

Sorry-posted too soon. As previous posters have said, the impetus for change needs to come from him. The priority at the moment should be your child's safety, both physically & emotionally.

Tapiocapearl · 14/12/2013 22:44

Agree it has to stop or he has to go. It's that simple.

It is possible he has had a male version of PND. Who knows?

tallwivglasses · 14/12/2013 22:44

A wise woman on another thread said that throwing and breaking things is him indicating what he could do to you if you don't tow the line. Also, it's usually the woman who has to do the clearing up afterwards to make things safe for the dc - thus further 'proving' his power over you.

Nowhere to go? That's his problem.

Tapiocapearl · 14/12/2013 22:45

Agree your priority is your/child's well being. He may have up go to his mothers to reflect.

tallwivglasses · 14/12/2013 22:45

And it's NOT your bloody fault.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:47

Male PND?! I never though of that. No, i don't think so. He grew up around very similar (actually more violent) behaviour so i think it stems from that. All his family seem to have the same problem, which is shit.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/12/2013 22:49

So his mother caused his problems and now you're causing them? Can you see a pattern?

It may be that he's learnt that abusing his family is acceptable from his mother, it may not. But nevertheless that's what he's doing. You say you can't put up with it any more, but you will have to, whilst he seeks treatment, if he can't move out. With the best will in the world he will have to dig deep into some of this family trauma if he is going to recover, and that's likely to make him worse before it makes him better. I think you both need a strategy that has him out of the house in the meantime.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:50

I think if it does happen again I will have to ask him to leave, just on a temporary basis. God knows if that will make it better or worse in the long term but i see no other choice.

OP posts:
ASmidgeofMidge · 14/12/2013 22:51

There's a lot here that's pointing to an abusive situation; the arrival of dc's can be a prompt for this kind of behaviour because of a perceived loss of control from a partner's pov - there's a new person in the family who is now the priority. Threats, both overt (eg saying he will 'push you out of a room') and covert (damage to the home has an implicit message; 'look how upset I am/look what I'm capable of) aren't normally associated w/anger but with someone who wants to intimidate.
I don't think accompanying him to GP/therapy is the right thing; this is his issue, that he needs to sort

Lweji · 14/12/2013 22:51

He doesn't do it at work because he knows he'd be sacked.

He does it at home because you put up with it. If he knew you'd go, he'd stop doing it.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:53

Bloody hell, I can't deal with it if it gets worse. It's gone on long enough. Does anyone know generally how long it takes to get a referral to a specialist or whatever it is they do in these situations?

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/12/2013 22:53

Essentially, you should be safe until he has actually dealt with his anger problems. You should only go back when he can deal with life without anger near you. And he should always be aware that you will leave should he cross the line.

SummerPlum · 14/12/2013 22:56

This man doesn't like you, OP.

Look at his behaviour. Look at it closely, and think.

Would you behave like this towards a person you loved? A person you even liked?

He is giving himself permission to express hatred and anger towards you.

Think about that.

SummerPlum · 14/12/2013 22:57

OP, he doesn't need a specialist. This isn't anything you can fix.

He is using anger to control you.

All you can do is refuse to be controlled.

Hissy · 14/12/2013 22:57

Your DP doesn't have anger management issues, he is abusing you, and won't stop, only increase.

I'm sorry, I know that's a shock, but it's true.

You telling him 'naughty, do it again and i'll leave, promise' won't stop him.

He got away with it. He'll just get away with it next time too.

You have to make it a deal breaker now!

He has to go somewhere, and understand not to come back until he isn't abusive anymore.

Never, ever go to counselling with a man like this.

Get therapy, but for yourself. Work out what happened to you for you to fall for thid.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 14/12/2013 22:57

The problem is I will need him to go, me and DD can't go anywhere else so he needs to go. I would feel awful telling him he has to go and stay with his mum who will only depress him further and make him more angry. If he finds somewhere else, maybe a friends house then I'd be more than happy for him to stay there a while.

OP posts:
SummerPlum · 14/12/2013 22:58

'Anger problems' is bullshit.

As others have said, if he had 'anger problems' he'd have them with everyone, not just you.

This man is not your friend.

Hissy · 14/12/2013 22:58

I know that sounds defeatist, but seriously, he's doing this because on some level, he enjoys and needs it.

CherryHaribo · 14/12/2013 23:00

So sorry Moonshine. I hope you don't mind me hitching on to this thread. I don't have anything really to offer but I'm interested in responses as my dh has started hitting the walls/doors in our home. Just every so often.

Do people think this is acceptable? Dh thinks it is and that its because I wind him up so much.

He's never hit me or done it in front of the dc but they can hear it from upstairs.

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