DP finally going to GP about anger issues... advice needed.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

There is a lot of back story here but I will try and keep it as brief as I can. DP and I have a two year old DD, we had a fantastic relationship until DD was born but then not long after, he started having explosive anger problems. It came on very suddenly and has only gotten worse. He was always quite moody (but nothing i couldn't deal with), has been depressed when he was younger and has a lot of genuine family/upbringing issues. But i can not and will not deal with his angry, aggressive outbursts any more as he scares me and scares DD. I put it to him the other night, after a particularly bad episode, that he either gets help or we are through. He has a GP appointment Monday morning.

He has never hurt me physically but has threatened to 'push' me out of the room once. He always kicks or breaks objects rather than any violence towards me or DD. These episodes don't have any pattern, sometimes he will be fine for months and then suddenly have 3 in as many weeks. He is very unpredictable.

It's really tearing me apart as when things are good with us it's amazing, we have a great relationship 90% of the time and I truly do not understand why he can't control himself. What saddens me the most is when he does in front of our DD. I have been on the verge of asking him to leave a few times lately.

Has anyone every had a partner who has come out the other side after having had therapy? I think he really wants to stop it as he acknowledges he has a problem, he knows what he does is wrong and unacceptable. He has tried self help books but it's not achieved a permanent, lasting solution. Should I go to the GP with him or any therapy sessions? I've never had to deal with such things before so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

OP, you are being far more concerned about his feelings than he is being of yours.

Where is he now? Posting on a forum, agonising about the upset and hurt he is causing you?

Thought not.

This man is NOT your friend. He is telling you what he thinks of you by his behaviour towards you. The things he says to you 'in anger' are the things he believes. The threats he makes are threats he longs to carry out.

Sorry.

The anger is his problem & he : is the one in the wrong... so it's not your problem where he has to stay if he leaves. Wish you well

No, Cherry, it is not acceptable.

It is abuse.

How often do you hit a door, or a wall, so loudly that your children can hear, and feel frightened?

Think.

Surely I should let him give therapy a go first though before chucking away years of our lives? I don't want my family to fall apart.

With the best will in the world, he's responsible for his behaviour and its consequences, incl the risk of having to move in w/ his mum. Your responsibility needs to be toward you & your child

He walloped the doors so hard last night over and over, shouting and screaming, that his hand was bleeding and I begged him to stop because I thought the neighbours would phone the police.

He told me he wanted them to because they'd take me to a mental institution.

He is not remotely contrite this morning. In fact we talked about what I had done wrong to wind him up.
Its not right is it.

Sorry Moonshine I've hijacked your thread.

Moonshine I would say to give therapy a go first (but what do I know - see above).

You could always have him stay at a friends while you do therapy

Bloody hell Cherry, that sounds like a worse situation than mine! Do get some help.

In your op you said that your dp was unpredictable. If he's willing to address his behaviour (and that's likely to be a long hard road) that's great, but in meantime you and your dc need to be safe

I just want the man i fell in love with to come back. Its heartbreaking.

He's at work now btw, works a lot of lates. He thinks sleep deprivation could be linked to all this too.

Cherry, that sounds horrific and is in no way acceptable. He's using damage to your home to intimidate and therefore control you, and what the children hear will be frightening for them.

I just want the man i fell in love with to come back. Its heartbreaking.

Oh, OP. I do feel for you. But he is choosing this. It's not something he has no control over, really.

Cherry that is terrifying and your children must have been petrified. Start a thread, you'll get loads of support.

Anger problems my eye.

Read a book by Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'.

And you too CherryHaribo.

Wishing you both well. You and the children deserve much more, neither of you are responsible for what's happening. The Women's Aid website is a fantastic resource for support and advice.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I am getting a bit too upset and knackered now to keep typing, I will return tomorrow night i think as DP is at work again. I think i need to go to bed now! Shattered. Thanks for all your replies, your advice means a lot.

You're talking to a whole bunch of sleep-deprived mums here. How many of us resort to violence? I know it's heartbreaking

I think some men can change but in my limited experience its then replaced by other behaviors - like EA or gaslighting. I really hope things work out for you - but he's got to want it.

Cherry - you know we're all here if you ever want to start a new thread.

The only way out of this for you is to be absolutely zero tolerant of his BS, if he gets angry, call the police, every time.

Be strong.

He's doing this through fear, insecurity and perceived weakness (his)

He has to go, to a friends, a premier in, a new rental, but he goes until he stops abusing

Ime, he won't. But at least you'll be healthy and safe.

You really can't be allowing your child to live this abuse alongside you.

You have to stop his abuse coming anywhere near her, for as long as it takes.

It's YOUR job to protect her from him.

Hope you get some sleep Moonshine

Sleep well OP. Do come back and keep talking.

He is choosing this -- yes indeed.

You have to tell him to leave while he sorts himself out, and wherever he goes is his own problem, not yours to sort out for him. If he goes to his mother's then he deals with that.

Yours is also choosing this, CharryHaribo.

And they would do it no matter who they were married to. It is not something you are doing, either of you, that sets them off. They are doing it because they think you are trapped because you have children and a mortgage, etc., and they think they can therefore get away with it.

At the bottom of it they hate themselves, and have only contempt for you for loving them. There is absolutely nothing you or anyone else can do to change this.

Cherry not Charry..

The man you fell in love with, was the man he invented to make you fall in love with him.

You will never, ever see that man again.

He never existed, and the effort it took him to be that nice is too great for him to be able to sustain.

Glimpses perhaps, but only so he can get something he wants from you.

Read that Lundy Bancroft book, it really will show you what's going on here (he's absolutely textbook, utterly predictable and relentless) it will also show you that none of this is your fault either.

There is absolutely nothing you can, or ever could do to 'save' him. He is who and what he is, and will always be.

He will only ever get worse.

I'm so sorry. :(

At the bottom of it they hate themselves, and have only contempt for you for loving them.

This. A million times.

Never, ever, ever, EVER go to joint therapy with this man, he'll use it to utterly bury you (they all do this!)

Please make sure that if you are ever forced into counselling, that you tell them he's abusive.

Chances are, they'll refuse to treat you as a couple.