Househould Chores - living with man-child?

[brusslesprout]

I have been with my OH for about 7 years and I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour in a relationship with regards to chores:

Me -
Hoovering
Washing
Food shopping
Cleaning bathroom/kitchen etc
Changing beds
Washing up
Cooking
Emptying Bins
Organising all bills

Him -
Occasional washing up
Occasional cooking (basic meals)
Emptying Bins if I tell him to.

I feel guilty for going behind his back even asking about this but am I doing too much? I have tried raising the situation with him but he just accuses me of putting him down. Granted he has a manual labour/tiring job and I'm at a computer all day so I'm not as tired when I get home from work but still...
He has never lived on his own, went straight from his Mum's to living with me and she did everything for him including making his packed lunch.

I am worried for the future if we have children this will escalate and I'll become nothing but a maid.

Nip this in the bud immediately, because things get worse when you have kids and tend to slide back again.

If both of you have the same amount of relaxing time it's fine. If both of you have similar levels of remembering and planning, such as remembering birthdays, food shopping or maintaining the car, then that's ok too, imo.

Of course you're doing too much. He swapped an over-indulgent Mum for you and deals with any requests to pull his weight by accusing you of putting him down.... whatever the hell that means. After 7 years of being a doormat you haven't a hope in hell of him changing behaviour. Definitely don't have DCs with someone this bone-idle or your life will be even more of a drudge than it already is.

If you're resenting it and he's defensive about it, then it's not good for your relationship.

Is it just it doesn't occur to him (some people have higher mess tolerance levels - I'm one of those)? Or does he think it's beneath him to do it? (My ex was one of those. I existed to cater to his every need in his mind. He didn't even work either....).

He says he would do it but I have to ask him first as he doesn't notice.

He will fill up the bin to the point it is over-flowing rather than empty it, or if he goes to the shops he won't look in the cupboards to see what we need and will buy just one thing.

Trouble is I'm comparing him to my Dad who used to do everything including shopping and cooking.

You can either treat this is a relationship issue - one of compatibility, respect, maturity, consideration - or you can treat it as a man management problem. If you go the latter route then you have to have family meetings, schedules, rotas, post-it notes and regular feedback sessions to make sure everyone is 'on task' and contributing. That can work but it puts your partner in the position of a brainless employee that can't wipe his own arse without a diagram... . If he's a manual labourer, is that how he operates?

What would bother me is that you could do all the above, he would still be defensive and accusations of 'putting me down' would quickly turn into 'you treat me like a child'. Lazy.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It all is very unequal; his responses are defensive indeed (what on earth does he mean when he says you are putting him down?!) and that is a bad sign. He will not change, particularly after you have now run around after him. You have basically continued what his own mother did; she raised a selfish, lazy and entitled manchild. If he is like this now he will not improve any if he became a parent.

Do not have children with him. Infact I would now be wondering whether this relationship actually now has any future in it. You'd be better off alone rather than being this badly accompanied.

So what if he has a manual job, does that mean he does feck all at home then, don't think so, we all have to do our share, esp when living with someone, it's called consideration for the other person. It's up to you but it sounds like you've just done it and let him off so why would anything change? You might find it's a bit late calling the shots now if you've allowed this to carry on.

And it's nowt to do with your dad, look above and see the list you've made, it's pretty evident he does nothing.

Does he do any of the "traditional" male jobs like car mtnce, cleaning car, windows, cutting the grass, repairing kids bikes, DIY, etc or is he really just very lazy? I'm not saying it balances it if he does but sometimes these tasks are forgotten when it comes to seeing who does the most.

I think if he does nothing then you can either teach him or put up with it. Must say looking at that list I reckon a lot of men just do those tasks. Certainly my ex did which is why I gradually became so resentful of him.

No he has never cleaned his car, he cuts his Mum's grass but we don't have a garden. I take care of my car maintenance myself.

I do feel like his Mum and when I said this to him he said I was implying that he's useless.

He does treat me well, very caring and affectionate. Maybe I'm asking too much I don't know.

You aren't asking too much at all.

Just stop doing it.

DH was just the same when we moved in together by the end of the 1st week I started buying my own meals, washing only my clothes, only putting away what i got out etc. I also dumped all his shit on his side of the bed.

He learnt, he adapted and he now takes full responsibility for himself and even encourages DS to do the same.

I didn't see the point in "nagging" hate that word because i thought it would go in one ear and out the other, actions spoke louder than words on this one.

You are not asking too much.

So what do you get out of this relationship with him?. What emotional needs of yours are being met here?. He does not sound very caring at all, more like overtly defensive and lazy to boot.

You do realise of course that such men do not change and you read more like his housekeeper than anything else. This man seems still tied to his mother's apron strings and you have simply carried on where she has left off.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

I'll be interested to hear the answer to that as - after a lifetime of either his mum or you doing everything for him - I can't see any realistic possibility of change. I couldn't be arsed with it to be honest.

Is this the first time you've challenged him after 7 years together or does it crop up every so often and you end up backing down for a quiet life?

BTW... the answer to 'you are implying I'm useless' is 'no shit Sherlock'. He is useless, tell him, so what's he going to do about it?

JeabSeberg - That's my worry I think that it's gone on for too long for anything to change. I tried to challenge it a few years ago, leaving lists for him before I went out etc but I felt like a mini-hitler telling him what to do.

I'm not perfect myself I leave my clothes everywhere but I do pick them up eventually

Can you really bothered to live like this and introduce children into the mix?

I don't have to write lists for my teenage sons...

He says he would do it but I have to ask him first as he doesn't notice

No, no, no, it doesn't work like that. You're not his mum, you're in an adult equal relationship, so you divide up the chores between you, and then you both know what your duties are.

You're going to have read the riot act at this point to get him to change, because he's taken the piss for 7 years.

So tell us his good points then OP.

You have to ask??

You say you love him? Fair enough. Will you still love him when you're doing all that AND the bulk of the childcare (assuming you have children). Dealing with night wakings, illness, tantrums and having to care for a man child as well? My bet is no. It will erode your love, your respect, eventually your liking for this guy.

He says he loves you, but he lets you wait on him, basically. He needs a serious wake up call.

Nip it in the bud now is my advice.

I'm puzzled as to why you're questioning this so much too - loads of posters are telling you how wrong it is, you grew up in a household where your dad helped out lots, and yet you're doubting yourself?

Good points - loving, affectionate, generous, laid-back, loyal and supportive.

I can't think of anymore

My Dad did help out a lot but also has his bad points as I'm sure everyone does.

I don't think your asking too much either.

Me;
During the week
First up in the morning and wake the DC.
Make DW tea and take it up to her in bed waking her up.
Make sandwiches/rolls for DC and my lunch.
Work.
Bins out once a week.
Clear up after dinner.
Weekends
Generally first up, tea and breakfast duties.
Sometimes go food shopping with DW if things don't need doing around the house.
Cook every meal over the weekend and clear up after me.
More often than not I sort out and iron DC school uniform and my work shirts and trousers.
Often blitz housework with DW one day. We will choose who does upstairs and who does downstairs.

And I think I could do more. My wife does not work and is a SAHM.

Sounds to me like he needs some training, are you woman enough?
His Mum has not helped!

Thanks Andy nice to see what another man does. No I'm not woman enough I don't think a grown man should have to be trained!

His Mum has not helped but she can't see it. My Mum does the same for my brother and he doesn't have a girlfriend surprisingly.

Good points - loving, affectionate, generous, laid-back, loyal and supportive.

I don't really see any examples of him being loving, loyal or supportive I'm afraid. Or generous, unless you mean with money? Granted, he does sound 'laid-back' (euphemism for lazy).

I wouldn't say someone who makes you do all that is generous or supportive personally.

I think he sounds manipulative actually, and disingenuous when he claims that he doesn't see what needs doing. Everyone has different standards, sure, but to not see an overflowing bin? Yeah, right. He knows that if you have to tell him every time you want something done you will soon give up and go back to being the maid.

It's been a long time though, so it's not going to be easy to change things. I would start by sitting down and trying divide the chores evenly. He will almost certainly not do his half though, so then you're left with refusing to do anything for him, cooking just for yourself etc. Miserable in the short term but I'm not sure how else you can deal with it. For your own sake, don't let it carry on like this.

Good luck op.

Honestly, how can you think you're asking for too much, would you put up with that from a house mate?

I suspect your reluctance to actually admit he is a lazy ass is also a problem, until you can assert yourself and give it to him straight, don't expect him to turn into the partner you'd much rather have.

Ahhh so doing manual works means he is too tired to turn the washing machine on, bless. Are his single colleagues emaciated and wearing dirty rags? I doubt it! I couldn't live with someone who is incapable of doing housework, it worries me that people that happily state they cannot use a washing machine are allowed to drive a car or operate machines at work.

It maybe too late but you could try 'would you prefer to clean the bathroom or Hoover the flat?' If he sits down don't you do it. If it's not up to scratch don't do it again. If he doesn't wash his clothes don't do it. But I agree until this is resolved do not have children as you will be doing so much more.