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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Househould Chores - living with man-child?

96 replies

brusslesprout · 12/12/2013 14:55

I have been with my OH for about 7 years and I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour in a relationship with regards to chores:

Me -
Hoovering
Washing
Food shopping
Cleaning bathroom/kitchen etc
Changing beds
Washing up
Cooking
Emptying Bins
Organising all bills

Him -
Occasional washing up
Occasional cooking (basic meals)
Emptying Bins if I tell him to.

I feel guilty for going behind his back even asking about this but am I doing too much? I have tried raising the situation with him but he just accuses me of putting him down. Granted he has a manual labour/tiring job and I'm at a computer all day so I'm not as tired when I get home from work but still...
He has never lived on his own, went straight from his Mum's to living with me and she did everything for him including making his packed lunch.

I am worried for the future if we have children this will escalate and I'll become nothing but a maid.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 14:04

" in some ways I feel like I already have a child although I feel bad for saying that."
Don't feel bad about stating a fact.

What it boils down to is this - is this what you want the rest of your life to be like?

(Complete aside - if he's never been diagnosed, where did his mother get the idea from?)

Original poster

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 14:16

I didn't mention it as he has never been diagnosed but I have always thought he has it or some kind of learning difficulties at least.

I want an equal partnership with equal responsibilities but don't know if such a thing exists, maybe my expectations are too high.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 14:25

"I want an equal partnership with equal responsibilities but don't know if such a thing exists, maybe my expectations are too high."
Yes they do exist. Lots of us have them. But you won't get that with him, ADHD or no ADHD.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 14:44

Tbh I'm not sure why you came on here as all you have done is made excuses, you seem to think he's just like every other man and your expectations are too high, have you actually read any of the responses, not one person shares your view.

givemeaclue · 13/12/2013 14:54

Goodness it all sounds like no fun and constant hard work.

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 14:56

I didn't mention it as he has never been diagnosed

That's what I suspected.

but I have always thought he has it or some kind of learning difficulties at least.

So who thinks he has it - you (ie making excuses) or him?

Original poster

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 15:10

It's me that thinks he has it, maybe I am making excuses but I haven't had any other relationships to compare the situation which is why I came on here for advice.

I think I was just being realistic in thinking that no relationship is perfect and it takes work from both sides. Or maybe naive.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2013 15:15

Why did you think of ADHD at all if he has not been officially diagnosed with this?. You cannot assume ADHD at all.

You need to work out why you have thought this way up till now. I think you have invested and put in far more work into this relationship than he ever has. If anyone's expectations are too low here, its yours.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 13/12/2013 15:16

He isn't working for the relationship though is he?

Perhaps he has ADHD, perhaps not, who knows. Stop thinking about him and his reasons for being like this, and start thinking about yourself. Is this what you want for your life?

Plenty of people have told you on this thread that it doesn't have to be this way, that there are lots of good, decent men out there who are willing the pull their weight because to do otherwise is selfish and rude.

You're young enough now to start again. Meet someone else, start a family if that's what you want. Or you can stay with this man until the resentment eats away all of your love for him. By which time you will be older, and possibly have children to think of too.

Can you imagine being in your 60s and 70s, having spent your life waiting on this man?

Phalenopsis · 13/12/2013 15:23

Relationships aren't meant to be as difficult as yours OP. Please stop making excuses for him you're doing both yourself and those who have the kinds of disabilities that you've mentioned an enormous disservice.

There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a lazy twat who has had mummy running around after him and now he is expecting you to do so. That is it. No ifs, no buts, no ah-wells. He is a lazy arsehole.

I can't list what my OH does week to week because he doesn't see housework as a synonym for 'women's work'. He doesn't 'help me' because household tasks aren't my sole responsibility. We both make equal mess therefore we both clean it up. We both do whatever needs doing at a given moment. He irons if he sees it needs doing, I iron if it needs doing. The only thing he doesn't do much is cook because he really isn't very good at it but he tries at weekends and most of it is edible. I don't ask him to do things most of the time unless something really needs doing which I might not have time to do or might not be able to do. Things get done. It's called teamwork.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 15:29

OP, I'm going to be blunt here, because I think anything less and you'll rewrite it in your head.

Your parents' marriage was not a happy one, your dad gambled and controlled the money. You left aged 20 (or earlier?), basically as soon as you could, and set up home with a 23-year-old manchild, but you were grateful that he wasn't like your dad and so were far too indulgent to the manchild's shortcomings. It was still better than living with your parents, and you could 'play house' and pretend everything was idyllic, because at 20 you can convince yourself of anything.

7 years later, you are now an adult who can consider the future and he is still a manchild. The ADHD non-diagnosis that his mother used for an excuse serves you now. You know this is not the relationship you want, but you've got to overcome fear of the unknown, fear of teaming up with a man like your father, fear of being alone for the rest of your life, guilt for how the manchild will cope without you, worry about how all your friends will react, suspicion that your friends will tell you that no man is perfect and your current one is not the worst you can do, and probably just sheer inertia.

You are 27. You are coming to terms with the fact that the relationship you are in is not what you want. You are scared to make any changes. You are scared to not make any changes. No, he is not as bad as your dad. But he is not the love of your life wither and you are ALLOWED to end the relationship.

haveyourselfashandy · 13/12/2013 15:35

You might be able to justify all this to yourself now brussel but believe me when/if you have children this issue will grow and grow and it will be horrendous.I really hope he takes action and gets his arse into gear.Put a timetable up with what needs doing and both tick it off when you have done a job like clean bathroom,hoovered up etc.Me and my DP probably do an equal share of housework...Well him more,he's abit of a neat freak,I'm not.

Original poster

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 15:36

WhereYouLeftIt your comments do hold a lot of truth, but I wouldn't have chosen to move out at 21 my parents left me, sold the family home, and I ended up moving in with my bf and his family. If I had my way I would have stayed at home for a bit longer.

Maybe I am afraid of change

OP posts:

TheSparklyPussycat · 13/12/2013 15:44

If he has ADHD try loud music while you blitz the house together.

FWIW I made a similar rod for my own back - failed to put foot down and ended up with a lazy refusenik. Ex now.

something2say · 13/12/2013 15:53

Try the shoes on in the shop.
If they pinch, do not buy them.
Otherwise each time you wear them, they will irritate you.

I think you maybe need to decide whether to buy these shoes, or keep looking, now that you know they pinch you. X

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2013 16:58

" I ended up moving in with my bf and his family."
So is misplaced gratitude part of the mix you're having to fight against too?

Original poster

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 17:26

Misplaced gratitude - yes probably! Can't tell if your sympathy is genuine or not but thanks for the advice and I mean that whole-heartedly.

OP posts:

purrtrillpadpadpad · 13/12/2013 21:40

Brussles, I think you sound lovely but a bit blinkered to modern times. There are a hell of a lot of men out there that behave in the way your OH does, that is true. The Relationships board here features them regularly, normally where their exhausted and sometimes digsusted wives or partners are asking for advice.

The thing is, and I could be wrong, but mainly these posters are not 27.

You are two years younger than me, and you are in a relationship that is more like my parents'. Do not write this man a list. Please try to understand what a relationship entails. The standard construct is an equal partnership. If you are the responsible adult, you are normally the parent in that situation, or medical staff.

I have posted on these boards myself, so I'm in a glass house, but I don't have to write a list for my husband, it just gets done. I might say 'right, the bottles need doing and our daughter needs her jimjams, pick one' and that's what happens. The bin is done without me saying. If the washing machine has just finished, it gets emptied.

Don't have a child with this person. Please, please think about your future, your freedom. You are only here once, make the most of it! Fuck writing lists. Think about how amazing it could be if you could just acknowledge how modern relationships work and find a partner that loves you and respects you and doesn't believe that cleaning a toilet is solely your job. Because that's a belief that underpins the manchild's approach to relationships. He shouldn't have to deal with shit and piss. That's your job.

I don't think so.

OneMoreChap · 16/12/2013 16:19

Job lists.
My preferred "excuse" is I didn't see it, didn't realise it needed doing.

Now, I know hoover carpets LR Friday, do beds/washing Sunday, check oil tank weekly and so on.

Much happier DW; much clearer to me. Trebles all round

OneMoreChap · 16/12/2013 16:21

ooh. missed the criticism of lists.
Loads of nonsense.
I write lists for me; I write lists for her.
She writes lists for me (aka honey-do); she writes lists for her.
We write joint lists for shopping and DIY

Handywoman · 16/12/2013 16:57

OP if your dp really has a learning disability/neurodevelopmental problem then his mum did a crap job of showing him how to cope in life and if you want an equal relationship now you are REALLY up against it. How does he cope at work? Does he really need a list for daily or weekly tasks there?

I'm afraid I speak from bitter experience here as I married someone who thought that becoming a mum also meant becoming a domestic skivvy. He is now my ex.

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