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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Househould Chores - living with man-child?

96 replies

brusslesprout · 12/12/2013 14:55

I have been with my OH for about 7 years and I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour in a relationship with regards to chores:

Me -
Hoovering
Washing
Food shopping
Cleaning bathroom/kitchen etc
Changing beds
Washing up
Cooking
Emptying Bins
Organising all bills

Him -
Occasional washing up
Occasional cooking (basic meals)
Emptying Bins if I tell him to.

I feel guilty for going behind his back even asking about this but am I doing too much? I have tried raising the situation with him but he just accuses me of putting him down. Granted he has a manual labour/tiring job and I'm at a computer all day so I'm not as tired when I get home from work but still...
He has never lived on his own, went straight from his Mum's to living with me and she did everything for him including making his packed lunch.

I am worried for the future if we have children this will escalate and I'll become nothing but a maid.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2013 18:00

"I do feel like his Mum and when I said this to him he said I was implying that he's useless."
Well, in what way does he consider himself useful?

"He does treat me well, very caring and affectionate. Maybe I'm asking too much I don't know."
'Caring and affectionate' could also be the description of a pet dog. Is that what he/you want - that he be your exotic pet?

"To be honest I've put up with it as I assumed all men were like this. That makes me sound awful but that's what I thought! "
I'm going to pull you up on that one, because you've already said your dad wasn't! You put up with it because you were twenty and starry-eyed. You are now 27 and resentful.

"Agree with other posters I don't want to have children and end up doing all of the work."
So what are you going to do about it? He has no incentive to change, as far as I can see.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 09:25

He has agreed to pull his weight more, said he prefers it when I write him a list and doesn't find it insulting like I thought it was.

Still wish I lived with a clean freak though! Smile

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2013 10:27

What is he, 12?.

Now you are being reduced to writing him lists.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 10:36

Just leave him.

You're 27, you have your whole life ahead of you.

Find a man who isn't a lazy fucker who thinks all the housework is your job.

They normally get WAY WORSE once children come along.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 13/12/2013 10:41

Tell him to write his own list. Either he's a bit stupid, or (more likely) he knows that by making you take charge he guarantees things return to normal with a few weeks.

I would put money on it going like this:
You write a list
He does 90% of it.
You write another list
He does less
You talk to him about it
He accuses you of nagging/putting him down/making him feel shit when he's trying etc
You write another list
He does hardly anything
You give up

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he'll be a changed man. But I think you should prepare yourself for this not working, and decide what you're going to do next.

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 10:43

Don't make the mistake of staying with him because you feel you've invested too much time in him to leave.

I'm assuming this was your first 'proper' long-term relationship. Whether that lasts 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, it doesn't mean you have to be with them for the rest of your life.

Be grateful that splitting will be easier than when there are kids involved. Because if you brush it under the carpet it will only raise its head again and again. OK he may have come up with some patronising bollocks to pacify you last night but do you really think that's good enough or is sustainable in the long term?

Have higher standards! Write a mental list of what your ideal partner's attributes should be and don't settle for anything less.

It saddens me what some women are prepared to settle for.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 13/12/2013 11:07

He says he would do it but I have to ask him first as he doesn't notice.

He'd notice if you cooked a meal and served it up one plate for yourself.
He'd notice if he went to put clean clothes on and only found thin air.
He'd notice if you gave him a pile of bedding and suggesterd he slept in the spare room or on the sofa because you fancy a night in bed on your own.

Of course it will escalate if you start a family, (would that be too much bother for him to take the initiative or could he rise to the occasion?). Even before the baby arrived, as your body changed during pregnancy and your stamina dropped you'd get even more resentful if he still pretended you were his mother running round after him and did as little as possible round the home.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 11:23

I don't think I'm settling think I've made a rod for my own back with regards to housework that's all.
No man is perfect surely?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 11:28

You are settling if you are saying things like "no man is perfect".

I never think that about my husband.

I'm sure he's not perfect. But he seems pretty perfect to me.

His flaws are not things I have to make a conscious effort to overlook.

And as for "rod for your own back"?

Are you fucking kidding me?

So you DO think it's your job to train him.

Most adult human beings don't need to be trained into not treating their partner like a skivvy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2013 11:30

You have unfortunately shackled yourself to a manchild.

No-ONE is perfect but you have settled for very little and are now reduced to writing out lists of tasks which he may or may not do because his heart is really not in it for the long haul. He is supposedly a grown man, not 12.

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 11:32

I don't think I'm settling think I've made a rod for my own back with regards to housework that's all.
No man is perfect surely?

When you started this thread were you hoping to get lots of responses from other women with lazy, disrespectful bastards for partners so we could all have a good moan about useless men and there's nothing can be done to change them?

Genuine question.

TheVermiciousGrinch · 13/12/2013 11:33

The problem with writing him a list is that it means that housework is ultimately your responsibility^. It isn't! You both live in the house, you should both be equally responsible for it. Of course he is capable of doing it. He just doesn't want to - because he thinks it's your responsibility.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 11:36

JeanSeberg maybe I was hoping that.

I forgot to mention that he has ADHD so this is a big factor in this child-like behaviour. I don't think he's lazy but he does seem to struggle with things that I find simple tasks.

I thought he had it as a child and grew out of it, I don't know much about ADHD in adults but I just googled it and it sounds like him word for word Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2013 11:40

I think you need to read up on ADHD in adults far more now and educate yourself further as to the realities of ADHD in an adult.

It is not something that is grown out of; this can be a lifelong issue.

issynoho · 13/12/2013 11:47

Communicate.Yes, he sounds like he's doing as little as he thinks he can get away with and he should be doing at least 50%, but this also means he probably is not aware of what needs doing, when and to what standard.

So, sit down together, tell him how having to do it all makes you feel, then get the list of jobs out of your head on to paper and divide them up. Literally, go down the list picking a job each until there are none left.

Then you both know what needs doing and once it's on paper it becomes objective; not you 'reminding' him. And make it clear that if he doesn't feel able to do his share, then you may feel unable to stay with him. You have to be a team for any future plans to work. Resentment is not an aphrodisiac .

Oh, and raise your expectations! He is not 'not too bad because he's not a gambler/womaniser/abuser'. That is trivialising your disappointment with him - you deserve the very best man and settling for anything less points to low self-esteem on your part.

issynoho · 13/12/2013 11:51

And on the ADHD front - my partner is dyslexic (struggles with scheduling tasks, prioritising, time management, etc) and has spent years ignoring it and not putting coping strategies in place, which has left our relationship in a very bad way.

We all have problems to overcome and things we struggle with. What counts is how we keep trying to overcome them and not hiding behind them.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 12:14

I think I have tried to pretend he doesn't have it but all the signs are there:

He took his theory driving test 5 times, took his practical test 5 times.
He goes mad if he looses something like his wallet, starts getting into a frenzy and I have to calm him down.
He always gets lost driving places even if he has been there 100 times before, so I end up driving as it's easier.
If he is late for something he starts to panic and once ended up having a car accident as he was late for an interview.
He dropped out of school before taking any exams.
Often has angry outbursts if you criticise him.
Struggles with simple tasks like serving up dinner as he doesn't know how much to put on each plate.

I feel awful now Sad

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 12:23

Don't feel awful.

Even if he has got ADHD, that doesn't absolve him of figuring out how to live in the world as an adult or how to share your home as a respectful partner.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 12:35

If he often has angry outbursts if you criticise him then herein lies the problem, he's never going to accept that he's just a lazy fecker.

spindlyspindler · 13/12/2013 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

issynoho · 13/12/2013 12:43

You absolutely should not feel awful. You have been taking HIS responsibilities for the duration of your relationship. He has been able to ignore or shirk his responsibilities.

You have been (more than) meeting his needs. What about your needs? What do you need from a partner? Someone who shares the boring bits, naturally, but what about when you feel down and in need of support? Has he got your back the way it sounds like you're there for him?

I don't know about ADHD specifically, but if he has a condition it is up to him to get help and try to manage it so it has the least possible impact on your life together. Medication? Other support? Is he seeing the GP?

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 12:57

Was the ADHD officially diagnosed?

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 13/12/2013 13:00

I forgot to mention that he has ADHD

That puts a different light on this, then.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 13:57

No he has never been diagnosed, his Mum mentioned it before but just put it down to him being a hyper child with allergies.

I don't think he has ever got the right support for it and that's why he struggles with basic things.

It's not normal to ask how to do things over and over again, in some ways I feel like I already have a child although I feel bad for saying that.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 13:57

Why was the ADHD only mentioned halfway through the thread?

Swipe left for the next trending thread