Househould Chores - living with man-child?

[brusslesprout]

I have been with my OH for about 7 years and I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour in a relationship with regards to chores:

Me -
Hoovering
Washing
Food shopping
Cleaning bathroom/kitchen etc
Changing beds
Washing up
Cooking
Emptying Bins
Organising all bills

Him -
Occasional washing up
Occasional cooking (basic meals)
Emptying Bins if I tell him to.

I feel guilty for going behind his back even asking about this but am I doing too much? I have tried raising the situation with him but he just accuses me of putting him down. Granted he has a manual labour/tiring job and I'm at a computer all day so I'm not as tired when I get home from work but still...
He has never lived on his own, went straight from his Mum's to living with me and she did everything for him including making his packed lunch.

I am worried for the future if we have children this will escalate and I'll become nothing but a maid.

You've put up with this for 7 years - why? Nothing is going to change.

I don't think you can 'sit down and chat this through' - it's far too late for that.

Yes, he's 'laid back' alright .

To be honest I've put up with it as I assumed all men were like this. That makes me sound awful but that's what I thought!

Agree with other posters I don't want to have children and end up doing all of the work.

Not all men are like this. I am a sahm, which means I do the bulk of the housework during the day, but my dh helps out with everything when he is home. So, just for example, in the evenings we both bath/get dc ready for bed, then come downstairs and I sort dinner while he tidies toys, empties bins, feeds cats and pushes the Hoover round if it needs doing. Basically we both sit down at the same time together in the evening - not one of us lounging around while the other does the work. I don't think we're that unusual.

Not all men are like this. This is what my son does OP:
He helps me clear the table after a meal and loads the dishwasher, he never ever leaves a plate of his on the table after use.
He puts all his worn clothes in his laundry basket. Every morning he makes his own bed.
He sorts out the rubish to be recycled once a week
Empties the bins in his bathroom and sometimes his sister bathroom twice a week.

I never have to ask him to do anything, ever.

He is 7 years old.

"To be honest I've put up with it as I assumed all men were like this. That makes me sound awful but that's what I thought"

Why did you have such a mindset, because he is this way?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Your man does not respect you any more for doing the vast majority of chores, he sees you as a combined mug/housekeeper/servant. He's probably too lazy to actually want to marry you as well. He is also so laid back he's horizontal!. Not a good characteristic in a man.

Do not have any children by him because if you do you'll be doing all the childcare as well.

But you said your dad did lots so I'm not really accepting that you thought all men were like this, I think you know yourself that you've already dug that hole and you're now wondering how the hell you get out of it - all I can say is sit him down and say although you've put up with it for years you've actually had enough of it and he needs to pull his weight, you are also fearful that having children with him will mean you doing even more and it's putting you off - if he can't understand/accept/agree to changes then I'm afraid he has none of the good points you say he has.

Both your mother and his have done their sons a huge disservice by running around after them as they have.

Two things that captured my attention was Captains advice of what she did after first week. And Jan's comment about a house share person, would it be fair how it is now?

Brussles they are definitely not all like this. I think most people wouldn't bother doing housework if someone else would do it, for free, for them. My oh cleans the kitchen 10 x better then I ever manage to but I do all the insurance/banking etc. he tends to Hoover and clean the loo, I tend to organise kids dentist, docs, school trips. We both do lawns, he cuts hedges, I dust. We both cook, empty dishwasher, construct flat pack, buy prezzies, wash clothes. He has only ever lived with parents and me, but he understands that a house does not clean itself.

I feel your pain. I do almost everything. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, remembering, DIY, gardening and work. OH has it easy. He gets up, goes to work and comes home and sits on his arse. After more than a decade of this he wonders why I am resentful and constantly angry with him. I've tried everything but the bottom line is that he would live in a shit tip.

No, not all men are like this. DH and I both work full time and share ALL house-related tasks, either by taking turns or doing them together. There are no chores that I am better at than him or like doing more than him, so we share. And it means neither of us have to cook every night or clean the bathroom every week, etc.

Unless he gets into the habit of just doing what needs to be done without you having to ask first, then don't have children with him. I do think he could change though - I mean, how hard can it be to get into the habit of putting on a wash or cleaning the bathroom Just don't do it, then he'll have to. And if he doesn't, he's a selfish, sexist knob and you should LTB.

WhirlyBryd

What do you get from this relationship now?.

Have you ever considered leaving him?.

It's not true that you assumed all men were like this because you said your own father was very good domestically. I think you've invested 7 years in this man, made plans for marriage, ideas of children etc.... thought it would maybe get better as he got older, and are now very reluctant to throw in the towel because you don't want to start all over again with someone new. On some level you believe he's as good as you're going to get so you'd better find a work around...

WhirlyByrd are you happy? Do you have children? I don't want to be resentful but fear that I already am!

And if your answer to that is 'but he'd just live in a shit tip', then do you really want to share your life with someone who is so disgusting as to be happy to live in filth?

If he lived alone, I bet you he would somehow manage to do the cleaning.

No he lived in a pigsty before we moved in together. I assumed he'd grow up a bit. Yes we have DC and for reasons i cant go into here it would be bery very hard to leave because of my circumstances. My advice to OP is break the bad habits now or break up with him.

Of course you're resentful. You've hitched your wagon to someone who has turned out to have very different standards and that's always a massive disappointment. Can I ask how old you both are now and how old you were when you met?

I'm 27 and he is 30, met when I was 20.

WhirlyByrd maybe you should try some of the tactics on here!

When he says that you are implying he is useless, what do you reply?

Do you say "Oh of COURSE I'm not saying you're useless darling" and mop his poor offended brow?

If so, there's your problem.

You need to steel yourself, and say: "Well, what use ARE you around the home?"

I feel I must also point out that you are not being honest with yourself either.

You say "To be honest I've put up with it as I assumed all men were like this."

But in your 2nd post you say "Trouble is I'm comparing him to my Dad who used to do everything including shopping and cooking."

The two points contradict each other.

And both make excuses for your DP.

"It's OK he's like this because all men are like this."
"It's OK he's like this because my Dad was special and there's no one like dear old Dad is there."

There are loads of blokes like your dear old Dad.

< dons craptastic psychologist hat > Might you have been more attracted to him initially because someone who was any good round the house would have reminded you of your Dad and therefore been less attractive?

I see what you're saying there BalloonSlayer but my Dad also has bad points which is why I can't compare the two too much, he is a gambler, controls my Mums money etc.

My OH does none of that so in that sense I thought I could "let him off" the housework as it were.

Just because this man does not gamble nor control his wife's money (btw that behaviour is abusive) does not mean to say that your man is much better.

Your decision to let him off the housework is a decision that has really come back to bite you.

You've basically continued where his own mother (who also ran around after him) left off. He won't change, why should he when he gets what he wants out of this and there are no apparent or clear consequences from you for not doing so?.

I thought you were going to say late teens, early twenties. IMHO most women between ages 18 and 30 manage to grow up. To be fair, quite a few men do the same thing, but a lot of them between the same ages (especially those that have never fended for themselves) can very easily stagnate or even regress. So you pair up similar age but then find yourself celebrating your 30th birthday and realise you're living with something that arrested at age 18..... a 'kidult' ... and is unlikely to mature beyond that point. I hate to say this but I know 50yo men that still think they're 18.

Hand stuff over - 100%. Preferably stuff that will remain his if kids ever enter your world.
Do not TTC without agreeing who is going to do what when they arrive [no one gets any downtime for a while]

Alternatively tell him that you are dog tired from doing it all and you are both going to sacrifice £x from your disposable incomes to pay for a cleaner.

Buy him a cookery course for his next birthday. Everyone should be able to competently cook a basic set of meals.

Try this in a mild, non-confrontational manner.
"I'm not saying you are useless darling, just that you choose not to be terribly useful. You make me feel as though my role in our relationship is to be your maid. I don't feel terribly valued or loved as a result"