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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think it's over please help

93 replies

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 05:55

I had a previous thread on here about not being sure how bf feels and wwyd. Well I'm really upset today as he has walked out and left my house at 4am. I feel like I've done something terrible. We were discussing ex's last night and he talked about some of his and how it all ended. Then he told me he had twice almost bumped into his last ex that he had 6 yr relationship with but he had actually avoided even going into the shop when he saw her.

They only properly ended a few months before we met, it sounds like he took it quite badly. So anyway I felt alarmed hearing this and thought he's probably still got feelings for her as if he didn't surely you don't avoid to that extent. He said he hasn't but kept turning his back on me, he hates any confrontation no matter how gently put, he didn't hug me or really make that much attempt to make me feel better IMO . Granted I probably talked too much about it. We woke at about 4am and chatted generally then something came to mind. He told me he lived with her and rented his flat and when they ended he had to give tenants notice to move out hence he didn't move back in till June. I asked him when he moved back in and he just said it wasn't June and said he was going home he couldn't cope with me and I was too hard to understand

So he's gone! What have I done? Surely I'm not the only one who would ask questions? I know I can be a bit insecure but a hug and some genuine affection would have solved this one. He's really nice to me usually he just can't cope if I get insecure

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 06:05

I can see it fr

JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 06:07

I can see it from his point of view, it sounds like a cross-examination and at 4am?! But then I've never really got why people want to have long discussions about past relationships.

How long had you been seeing him?

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:09

3 months. I just didn't want to fall in too deep with someone who still had feelings for ex. But I had fallen for him and now I'm hurt. I've messed up big time haven't I

OP posts:
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:12

It wasn't long discussions I can't even remember how it got started. All very lighthearted until he mentioned about latest ex who I must admit I'd always been a bit worried that he started seeing me too soon and I might be rebound. I just don't know if I expect too much of people. What is wrong with me?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 06:17

All sounds far too much after just a few weeks of dating. Learn from this, next time just relax into a new relationship (although after 3 months it's not even that) and see what happens.

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:20

But does anyone want to see someone who might still not be over their ex? Did I really do wrong in wanting to confirm that? Surely I can't be the only one who would feel uncomfortable? Or is there something wrong with me and I'm different from most other women? Which means I've got a problem if so

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/12/2013 06:22

I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I understand why he left this morning. I wouldn't want to talk about this at night, and then at 4am the next morning... It does sound like a cross-examination. I wouldn't put up with this in a three month relationship.

I'm not saying your concerns aren't valid, they might be, but this wasn't the best way to address them.

Vivacia · 12/12/2013 06:24

If stop with all of the angst. This doesn't mean you are Not As Other Women or anything like that. Nobody is to blame. At worst it's a case of two people meeting at the wrong time.

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:24

Seems I do have a problem and perhaps I need to find someone who can understand me then. He said I'm too hard to understand. I didn't want to lose him

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/12/2013 06:25

Sorry that should say "I'd stop with..." Not "If"

Vivacia · 12/12/2013 06:26

You don't not lose someone by grabbing them tightly.

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:30

Truth is although I obviously don't want commitment as in living together as yet, I don't want any more dead end relationships either with men who can't/ won't commit. We got on really well,had loads in common but I had a growing feeling that he would never commit to anyone and going by what he was saying about his relationships last night it worried me. I don't expect commitment now but if he's not able to for whatever reason then I'm on to a non starter. But now I'm worried I was wrong and have lost something good

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 06:31

But time would have told you if he was after a relationship or just a rebound fling. Pushing and pushing the point was the surest way to drive him away. I think you need to work on your insecurities before you date again. Have you spent much time single? When did your last relationship end?

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:35

Not very long ago and yes I do need to work on insecurities but I think I will always be a bit like this, it's in my nature. I could kick myself, I really cared for him and thought it would go well.

OP posts:
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 06:38

He told me he wasn't after a fling but then he's not going to say he is when he knows I wasn't iyswim. Can't believe I've ruined it

I do think he could have talked more though, maybe we were totally incompatible in that sense because I do need someone who can talk things through and he admits his way of dealing with things is to retreat and disappear

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/12/2013 06:53

Well, it sounds like you weren't compatible then. So no need to beat yourself up.

JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 08:30

Give him time to calm down and perhaps he will be back in touch.

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:06

I don't know if he will be in touch, he has done this on 2 other occasions and we have got back in touch. I really have fallen for him and I genuinely think he's a nice person and I'm sure in my gut that he isn't a player. It's just his way of dealing with conflict but obviously it's counterproductive as it makes my insecurity worse

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/12/2013 09:08

Three major fall outs in the first three months?

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:12

Not really fall outs as such because no arguments just him becoming distant for a couple of days. We have seen loads of eachother 4 or more times a week since the start so its been quite full on and feels like longer than 3 months because of this

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 09:19

Again, look at it from his point of view. If the fall outs are due to you pushing the point to death/being insecure, then it's understandable that he wants to back off for a few days.

4+ times a week is pretty intense. In your shoes, I'd be cutting this right back, enjoying the times you spend together but keeping up with my other friends and interests in the meantime.

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:24

Shall I just wait to see if I hear from him or ask him if he still wants the relationship?

So far I have just sent one text which just said " sorry" and that's was all. I don't want to keep on at him again

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 09:26

Just leave it for now. Make plans with friends for the weekend and see what happens.

NothingsLeft · 12/12/2013 09:29

Honestly, I think you need to work on your insecurities or you are in danger in getting embroiled in an unhappy relationship. Have you thought about come counselling?

This is quite a lot if stress by 9am and you haven't been together long! It should be easy and happy at this stage...

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 12/12/2013 09:30

When one person is insecure it can be exhausting for the other person. Jus accept that people are complicated and are allowed to have feeling for other people. I'm more suspicious of the ones who hate all their exes.

Maybe you should work on your own self esteem.