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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think it's over please help

93 replies

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 05:55

I had a previous thread on here about not being sure how bf feels and wwyd. Well I'm really upset today as he has walked out and left my house at 4am. I feel like I've done something terrible. We were discussing ex's last night and he talked about some of his and how it all ended. Then he told me he had twice almost bumped into his last ex that he had 6 yr relationship with but he had actually avoided even going into the shop when he saw her.

They only properly ended a few months before we met, it sounds like he took it quite badly. So anyway I felt alarmed hearing this and thought he's probably still got feelings for her as if he didn't surely you don't avoid to that extent. He said he hasn't but kept turning his back on me, he hates any confrontation no matter how gently put, he didn't hug me or really make that much attempt to make me feel better IMO . Granted I probably talked too much about it. We woke at about 4am and chatted generally then something came to mind. He told me he lived with her and rented his flat and when they ended he had to give tenants notice to move out hence he didn't move back in till June. I asked him when he moved back in and he just said it wasn't June and said he was going home he couldn't cope with me and I was too hard to understand

So he's gone! What have I done? Surely I'm not the only one who would ask questions? I know I can be a bit insecure but a hug and some genuine affection would have solved this one. He's really nice to me usually he just can't cope if I get insecure

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LittlePeaPod · 15/12/2013 20:55

Santa I remember your previous thread with regards this guy and how imsecure you fekt about the whole situation. I am sorry to hear you are upset again. However as most of us pointed out at the time, his obe it again and this really isn't a surprise.

I really hope you have the strength to leave him this time. Iknow that wont be easy but if you ont this will keep happening.

I wish you well. Flowers

LittlePeaPod · 15/12/2013 20:56

Excuse typos. Bleeding iPhone!

Santaclaws · 15/12/2013 21:22

Well I have had a nice day out and feel a bit better now. In a way a sense of relief is starting to creep in because I realise I was second guessing him a lot and I don't have to do that now. I'm still missing the idea of what I thought it was/ was going to be, but in reality that was never going to happen. I think I will be ok. Thanks for all your help :)

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Santaclaws · 15/12/2013 21:25

I have had a few tears today though mainly because in the email he made me out to be quite horrible, even pointing out that he never had this with his ex in 5 yrs they were together, still ended though didn't it! Funny that

Anyway basically as previous post says I'm better today

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 23:56

Santaclaws... delete the e-mail please, then you won't have to look at it. Don't pay any heed to what he says about you, it sounds as if he didn't really know you and didn't want to take the time to get to know you.

It's not his fault that he's a lightweight - but he IS a lightweight and not the right man for you. He's freed you for a new relationship though and that's positive.

You WILL BE OK... you will! :)

Santaclaws · 16/12/2013 06:33

I have deleted all emails and all contacts. Such a shame it never progressed, actually it went backwards, which can never be right and I knew that really hence my insecurity.

lyingwitch you are right, he didn't know me and obviously didn't want to get to know me, some of the remarks he made to me when we were together tell me he didn't know me. I like thinking of him as a lightweight, you are so right and I never realised it before

Well I have some nice Christmas shopping to do today with my mum so onwards and upwards hey :)

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Santaclaws · 18/12/2013 11:55

Hi All

I'm feeling a bit better each day, but I still question whether I was to blame in spoiling something that might have been good. I do think however here was something about him/ the situation that triggered my insecurity. I know it was full on and over the top me interrogating him and a few weeks ago asking why he had changed towards me and didn't seem as close but that was because he had set the pace at the start by saying he loved me and he wanted a future with me. If it had begun slowly then I wouldn't have panicked that he'd cooled off.

Anyway plainly he didn't want to try to make it work, it's been a week now but I still miss him :(

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Santaclaws · 12/01/2014 21:32

Hi all
An update and a confusing one. I received an email from him today. Wishing me a happy birthday and asking about my family. Hoping I'm fine ect and how did my Christmas go. Also saying it would be nice to hear from me. This is a surprise, and I'm not sure why he's bothering to contact me

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whitsernam · 12/01/2014 21:52

Oh my - Ignore? Or just give a simple three word answer and then ignore any further messages? I'm not sure why he's contacting you either, but I can see why you'd be confused. Some people are able to be sort of friends with an ex, but most find there is too much emotional baggage for that.... so my best guess is ignore.

Hope you're feeling stronger now than you were before Christmas. The early ups and downs can be a real rollercoaster, but I've found I really love being able to live the way I want to, and having my home be a peaceful place.

Santaclaws · 12/01/2014 22:02

I'm not upset by him as such now, I think I'm over him. I've nothing against being friends and I can't hold grudges ( sometimes I wish I could) in certain situations it would have been better for me of I had held a grudge. On the other hand I really don't see a point in being friends. We live half hours drive from eachother so are not likely to see eachother and I certainly am not in need of an email friendship/ relationship

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Santaclaws · 13/01/2014 05:58

Bump

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SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/01/2014 06:11

I would ignore for now. I think sometimes people who have been the one to end the relationship, whether verbally or by walking out, feel the need to 'soften the blow' by trying to remain friends. Think about what you need and want. You aren't under any obligation to stay in touch with him.

Santaclaws · 13/01/2014 16:29

Can't understand why he would want to soften the blow 4 weeks later when he could have done that when I sent him the email 2 days after he left. I find this strange

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Doha · 13/01/2014 16:34

Ignore ignore and ignore

Santaclaws · 13/01/2014 16:43

Trying my best to ignore but it's not in my nature and it's hard. Although actually I don't want him back anyway, I've had better offers than him and although I'm still single I'm fine. I do feel like letting him know I'm fine though. Any ideas what he's up to??

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ineedabodytransplant · 13/01/2014 17:10

Cynical me says he is trying to see if you're available as he realises he is on his own?

Or he's a controller and wants you to go running back to him and then he knows you're his?

Or he's a dipshit who hasn't realised he has hurt you

Whatever the reason I think you are better off without him...(and I'm a bloke so my advice is probably a load of crap Grin

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/01/2014 17:12

Could be any of the things ineed suggests, or could be suddenly having an attack of guilt and wants to make himself feel better.

Santaclaws · 13/01/2014 17:18

ineed I don't think he would contact me at all if he wasn't working up to trying his luck with seeing me again. I mean do men bother.? What would be the point of contacting just to say hi after such a short relationship of 3 months?

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