I think it's over please help

[Santaclaws]

I had a previous thread on here about not being sure how bf feels and wwyd. Well I'm really upset today as he has walked out and left my house at 4am. I feel like I've done something terrible. We were discussing ex's last night and he talked about some of his and how it all ended. Then he told me he had twice almost bumped into his last ex that he had 6 yr relationship with but he had actually avoided even going into the shop when he saw her.

They only properly ended a few months before we met, it sounds like he took it quite badly. So anyway I felt alarmed hearing this and thought he's probably still got feelings for her as if he didn't surely you don't avoid to that extent. He said he hasn't but kept turning his back on me, he hates any confrontation no matter how gently put, he didn't hug me or really make that much attempt to make me feel better IMO . Granted I probably talked too much about it. We woke at about 4am and chatted generally then something came to mind. He told me he lived with her and rented his flat and when they ended he had to give tenants notice to move out hence he didn't move back in till June. I asked him when he moved back in and he just said it wasn't June and said he was going home he couldn't cope with me and I was too hard to understand

So he's gone! What have I done? Surely I'm not the only one who would ask questions? I know I can be a bit insecure but a hug and some genuine affection would have solved this one. He's really nice to me usually he just can't cope if I get insecure

It feels like its ruined and I was the cause because of what I said. We generally got on well together and he was good company. I don't want it to end but don't feel I can contact him either so I'm in limbo

It is over. I sent an email apologising for the way I went on about things and just got on back basically saying that it was good at the start ( yeh he was talking about marrying me within a couple of weeks) but lately he hasn't looked forward to seeing me because I go on about things and he feels he has to explain himself. I actually feel quite angry now because I only questioned him about two things 1) why he had backed off about a month after we met after being so keen because it made me quite insecure. But I respected that he wanted to slow things down
2) whether he still had feelings for the ex when he avoided her. Ok I did go on a bit about this but Im very ready to apologise when I'm wrong which I did

His email was actually not very nice he also said because of the way my relationship with my ex was it showed how I was in relationships. I had an EA relationship and when we talked I told him this but he thinks it means I'm argumentative and look for trouble. He said I'm always looking for trouble!

I'm starting to think he's a dick tbh. He led me a merry dance saying he was in love at the start then when he realises I'm actually a real person it slowly starts dying off and as I've fallen for him it makes me feel worried and a bit insecure. God I feel so hurt, what have I done? But I do think that if he had really thought a lot of me there's no way the small things that happened would have cause this because you just talk and sort them out

Take it easy Santa. Plan something nice with friends for the rest of the weekend and keep busy.

He's a dick Santa!!!! It's totally not you- it's him. He's done you a favour.
X

mama thank you I feel lousy about myself at the moment. He made it all me in that email. Can you just clarify the ways you think he's a dick, it might help me

He doesn't sound very nice to me either. Slightly EA as well ?
I wouldn't want to pursue it if I were you.
No good if you can't talk a few things through, and get some reassurance?

Well, making it all you in the E mail for starters!

Taking your history and using it as a stick to beat you with is a patented move from the dick playbook (my ex was a pro at this). It's difficult to recognise when you're still close to the situation but with breathing room you can look back and see what unfounded rubbish it is.

Just to be clear: it is not all you. Not at all.

I'm so sorry you feel upset, Santaclaws, he IS a dick for letting you stew, for blaming you for everything and not bothering to talk to you face to face.

Just remember that nothing you could have done or said would have changed the outcome; he had cold feet and wanted to end the relationship. Onwards and upwards, there are better men out there for you.

Thank you. I just feel very badly let down. I am posting on here to get support because I feel so alone tonight. He was saying it wasn't the same as at the start but hell, he's the one who created what it was like at the start all head over heels, and then he was the one who cooled it and created what it became for the next few months. It wasn't me who changed. HE stopped saying he loved me, he stopped cuddling and kissing as much, he stopped talking about a future, he changed the whole feeling in the relationship and now he's got the gall to say it not like it was and we've had too many downs rather than ups in the last few weeks

Santa... It takes time to properly fall in love with somebody; what he felt was infatuation, if that. He had no substance to offer you so kept ramping up the emotion and saying what he thought he should be saying, what he thought you wanted to hear. That's not real and it shows him for the emotionally inept man he is, it's no reflection on the lovely woman I'm sure you are.

You sound very real, it looks like when you have feelings for somebody you don't hold back. I think you should maybe hold back a little, until you're sure of somebody's feelings for you.

Chalk this one up to experience and consider yourself released from somebody who doesn't feel things in the same way as you. Protect yourself from over-sharing because what's past is past, it has no bearing on the future.

I took what he said with a pinch of salt to start with and even felt a bit alarmed. But he seemed genuine and happy and he got to me. He said he'd love to get engaged and married and not to waste too much time as we were both not so young anymore. He was talking about the next year or two. Seems mad now that I got carried away with that. He started cooling not too long after saying that. I don't think he knew what he wanted

I was quite careful not to fall too quick but I couldn't help it in the end and he seemed to back off a bit then which worried me. I feel I'm not going to let anyone near me for a very long time I can't near this again. Talk about messing with someone's head and feelings. I know I should have known better but he seemed so gentle, so nice and so different to ex that I just fell for him. True colours come out though don't they. That email was not nice and if he was advent person he could have just said it wasn't really working now instead of reeling off my faults and making it all me

A decent not advent

I'm not sleeping, this has hurt me more than I thought after only a few months. I can't believe I drove him to this and am kicking myself. I'm not always an easy person and can be a bit insecure, although I still maintain he caused most of that whether it was unintentional or not I don't know. I think he messed me about a bit looking back, yet he seemed so not the type. He couldn't or didn't want to be bothered to put a bit of work in I suppose when we hit a little bump.

Looking back he said things that unsettled me, like he could be a little shit! ( I thought he was joking) he was different/ weird. It was like he was two people because he seemed so lovely yet I'd feel unsettled suddenly when he said this stuff. I think he was harmless really, I don't know I feel very muddled and just needed to rant away

After a few weeks he's saying he loves you and wants to get engaged? Sorry but that's too soon.
I get why you are insecure because of past abuse etc but this is what you need to work through and see a counsellor so that you can form healthy relationships. It will help you deal with not being taken advantage of and setting your own boundaries but also you not being needy . I get why your needy but that's not healthy.

I can see his point of view. Why should he have to get the third degree from you, and account for himself about someone he went out with for six years, broke up with long before he met you, and has gone out of his way to avoid seeing since?

You sound too needy.

Santa

You didn't drive him to do anything, he's done that all on his own. You say he's done similar in the past. I think he was getting ready to play the 'pick me' dance, and because you DID ask questions he was uncomfortable with he's backed off. He knows he won't get you wrapped around his little finger in the long run. Red flags because he talked about marriage etc too early in your relationship.

Santa, count your blessings. You're well rid

Teeny

You really need to work on your self esteem and boundaries. If a man starts talking love and marriage after a few weeks you tell him to cool it sharpish or you ship out. That's a clear sign of an emotional inadequate, with narc tendencies (ime, and in the experience of hundreds of other women). It's not normal or healthy to rush into such an intense relationship and it's guaranteed to crash to the ground. Here you are, hurting because you got swept along by a fantasy and now feel rejected because it was all false. You need to keep your walls up a bit higher and longer and be more sceptical of losers like this.
You haven't ruined anything, but your self esteem is definitely in need of a boost.

I know it was too soon and I was a bit like " what??!!" To start with. But we seemed to hit it off and you know what my friend had exactly the something and she was married within ie months and is now very happy . So I thought well I can happen and got carried away by the whole fairy tale . My ex said he loved me within weeks as well and he move a long distance from his children to be near me, meaning he had to travel miles to see them and that was no flash in the pan as it lasted four years. Granted he was somewhat EA but he was consistent and followed through, I guess these two examples influenced me in thinking that we migh have fallen in love and it could last. It was very lovely for a while

I think I might have been a rebound for him and an ego boost after he was hurt by last GF.and that really stings. He kept saying at the start how I'd turned his life around for him and how hadn't really seen any point in staying in the town he lived in but now it had a purpose because of me. The novelty soon wore off though didn't it

I don't think he realised he was actually quite cruel, I don't hink he thought what he might do to my feelings, he was all about his own feelings, both when it was good and when he decided it was bad

Hi Santa, I have nothing helpful to add but it looks as if you're doing some thinking on your own and realising that he wasn't all he made himself out to be. That's good.

It hurts today and it will probably smart for a little while but it will get better. Focus on you and get yourself out and about, walks, meeting friends, etc. Distraction is better than sitting around analysing what could have been because the reality wouldn't have matched up to the ideal in your head... and I think you know that now.

I am doing some thinking and crying tbh. I do feel lonely and I miss him.
I just feel like I need to talk it out which is why I'm posting on here.

Coming late to this thread so have read your later posts. I don't think you were unique in worrying that your bf still had feelings for an ex. You say yourself you knew it was all going very fast but you allowed yourself to think fairy tales can happen. That was your downfall.

You told us he was talking without you twisting his arm about exes and how they finished. He then tells you that he saw his ex in passing twice recently but avoided talking to her. Because he bottled it NB not through any delicacy or commitment to you.

If you had ignored that and let it rest and later something emerged, you'd kick yourself for not asking him about it at the time. Seeing exes can stir memories and if the rose-tinted specs go on it may have got him thinking. Your 4 am conversation may have irked him, equally it may have given him the chance to cut free.

Sorry you have felt crushed this week but already you recognise your weakness and his depths and shallows. Unlike the last two occasions when he stomped off he might not be back which sorry to say is a blessing in disguise. OP you are better placed now to weigh up what you deserve and need, do consider counselling.

I know I'm spending the day thinking and analysing but I need to work it through a bit in my mind. Tomorrow I've decide I'm going for distraction techniques but I need today. I'm sad that considering we spent many happy times together indeed even the evening before all this happened he was talking about shopping to get some food for Christmas at some point, yet in his email there was not a kind word to me. Just basically saying what I'd done but no wishing me luck or hoped I'd be happy. Oh I suppose he did say at the start he really thought we had something. What he's forgetting is he changed that when he said he wanted to cool it, although I agreed with him it shook me a little. And it wasn't the same again because he behaved differently to me. Sorry just needed another rant

Don't beat yourself up about this, be kind to yourself.

Cooling off after a month, which he did, is not normal - people should be consistent and it's not unusual to feel unnerved and anxious if someone suddenly blows cold.

Someone with good self esteem and boundaries would have called time on this man at that stage.

You didn't however, and carried on and now you feel like he has rejected you. You are blaming yourself for being "needy" (hate that word!) and ruminating over the what-ifs.

But think of it like this instead - there were red flags from the outset which should have caused you to press eject. If you work on yourself and having strong boundaries (ie rejecting behaviour which makes you uncomfy), you can reject the bad ones before you fall, which leaves you available and open to meeting the good ones. And ideally the good ones, or at least one whom you are compatible with, won't blow hot and cold and confuse you, therefore won't bring out your insecurities so significantly, leading to a healthy happy relationship.

Do not blame yourself, no good can come of it. Use the experience to learn more about yourself, what you want from a man and a relationship, and get back out there when you're ready.

Never feel you can't express your needs or fears in a relationship, just don't entertain the men who play to those fears in the first place.

Here I am awake again, I'm just not sleeping properly and wake thinking of him. It's just horrible, I'm surprised he's captured me this much.

atlantica thanks for your post. How do you really know when to reject? is its rarely black and white. For example he displayed thoughtful caring loving behaviour, then talked of engagement, which was mad after a few weeks BUT he then pulled back which really was right to do. Gradually though he seemed to not be as physical towards me and I felt a bit of a distance. Although not all the time which was confusing

I wish I did think he was bad then it would be easier. I KNOW that on the two occasions I tried to express my fears to him I did it at totally in appropriate time of night and I went on and on because I didn't feel loving reassurance from him. Maybe I'm overly sensitive.

He told me in parting email I went on and on about things and made him feel he had to explain himself and we'd only known eachother a short time, which is true, however it felt so much longer because of the pace he'd set at the start. I thought it was really serious even though we weren't rushing so felt ok to ask those questions ( though I shouldn't have carried the asking on for so long at night)

Santaclaws... You are never going to change the outcome of this; he didn't want to make it work, he wanted out. He's done that. There's no need to beat yourself up over it. Try to shrug it off as something that happened because that's what it was.

It's going to take time and you need to accept that. You'll get over him. Sooner or later your body will demand sleep. In the meantime, focus on distraction. You promised yourself yesterday that today would be the day...

Have a nice evening with your daughter. :)