Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's over please help

93 replies

Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 05:55

I had a previous thread on here about not being sure how bf feels and wwyd. Well I'm really upset today as he has walked out and left my house at 4am. I feel like I've done something terrible. We were discussing ex's last night and he talked about some of his and how it all ended. Then he told me he had twice almost bumped into his last ex that he had 6 yr relationship with but he had actually avoided even going into the shop when he saw her.

They only properly ended a few months before we met, it sounds like he took it quite badly. So anyway I felt alarmed hearing this and thought he's probably still got feelings for her as if he didn't surely you don't avoid to that extent. He said he hasn't but kept turning his back on me, he hates any confrontation no matter how gently put, he didn't hug me or really make that much attempt to make me feel better IMO . Granted I probably talked too much about it. We woke at about 4am and chatted generally then something came to mind. He told me he lived with her and rented his flat and when they ended he had to give tenants notice to move out hence he didn't move back in till June. I asked him when he moved back in and he just said it wasn't June and said he was going home he couldn't cope with me and I was too hard to understand

So he's gone! What have I done? Surely I'm not the only one who would ask questions? I know I can be a bit insecure but a hug and some genuine affection would have solved this one. He's really nice to me usually he just can't cope if I get insecure

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:31

I don't like myself at the moment and think I probably drive anyone who has a relationship with me away because I'm insecure at times. I still don't think I was wrong to wonder about the ex though but it's how I deal with it that ruins things.

We are both too old for all this both nearing fifty and I just want a good relationship where I feel happy and secure. I like to talk and discuss things but my ex was right when he said if I don't the the answer I want I won't let it drop

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:33

He doesn't hate any ex's which I agree is not a bad thing. I really wish I hadn't fallen for him because this feeling that you've messed it all up is horrible

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 09:39

I had a miserable marriage to an insecure person, and being interrogated about exes etc at 4am would have me advising anyone to run for the hills. To be fair though, the way you describe the conversation, it is almost as if he were stirring your insecurity by bringing up the ex when you could have been talking about other things, and answering your questions in a way that really didn't help your fears. It could just be the way you saw it or it could be that he rather likes a bit of jealousy, but not too much, and then draws the line by flouncing off; which he'd already done a couple of times before. I do wonder whether this is a good thing you have ruined as you think, or whether was never really a goer because both parties have too much recent baggage. Maybe he isn't really as over the ex as he claims, or maybe the reason she is ex is that he flounced off one too many times during some petty argument and she told him not to bother coming back!

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:40

Plus to have someone say they " can't cope with you" makes me feel awful, like I'm a terrible person. I have been a lot worse at times in previous relationships, there were no raised voices but I did ask questions and say I felt he still had feelings if he wanted to avoid her. I tried to hug him and he wouldn't hug me. I feel like shit now

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 09:41

Oh good lord, fifty is a bit old for flouncing.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 12/12/2013 09:42

Sounds to me like he's not that good at talking anything through or reassuring you emotionally. So, perhaps he's not a keeper after all?

EirikurNoromaour · 12/12/2013 09:42

You sound pretty insecure, and I would struggle after 3 months if the person I was seeing was so needy. And three similar incidents in 3 months? Let it go love, it shouldn't be this hard. I don't know if it's your issue or his or a combination of both but it's not working.
I would cross the street to avoid some of my exes if I could get away with it, not because I still have feelings but because I hate pointless small talk with an uncomfortable subtext, which is what chatting to exes usually feels like to me.

JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 09:48

It's good that you recognise there are things that you would like to change. You need to work on those points now, identify why you don't like yourself and what small changes can you make step-by-step to improve things.

Leave this guy in the background while you do that.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:51

I don't dislike myself as a person, I'm aware I have good and bad points like everyone. I just dislike that I brought the relationship to this by my worries and jealousy

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 09:54

I don't like myself at the moment

I raised that point as you said this earlier...

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 09:57

I know, I didn't explain properly

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:02

According to him he never had any arguments with his ex ( probably because he flounced off) if it was that great it wouldn't have ended so something must have been wrong. I can't have a long term relationship where the man keeps flouncing off every time the going gets a little rough. It's going to hurt because I like him and we did have a lot going for us but I can't see how I can go back even if he wants to

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 12/12/2013 10:06

You do sound a bit needy.

I have a friend who can't understand why none of the men she gets into relationships want to 'commit'. She has this chat with them after a few weeks about where the relationship is going because she says 'I don't want to waste time on dead end relationships'. Yet as soon as she has this chat with them they run for the hills.

DP and I started out seeing each other once a week, it was just that's how it fitted in with our lives at the time (he worked away, I was doing a degree at nightschool while working full time). After a while it sort of sneaked into 2 nights, then we had a short holiday which worked out ok... took about 3 years for him to move in and another 3 years before ds1 decided he was coming along.

If you went from nothing to 4 nights a week straight away, I don't think his occasional 2 days of silence is a sign of things wrong, its just a sign of him wanting a bit of space. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I used to be shockingly insecure. It was when I lacked confidence and self esteem generally. I only realised later on after dp and I were settled, that I managed to have a good, equal relationship only when I had more confidence in myself. So its a cliché but, 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you'.

Work on yourself and your self esteem and the rest will follow.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2013 10:08

I'm sorry that you feel hurt, Santaclaws but I reckon that in any relationship, you don't get to have all you want all the time. There are some fundamental 'must agree on' points though and one of those is knowing when to back off. Just because you like discussing and talking about everything doesn't mean that a partner will. They have the right to their views just as you have the right to your need to discuss and share everything.

I would have been really annoyed with you and made up my mind never to bring up anything ever again for fear of it being over-analysed and wrongly interpreted. It's exhausting being around very needy and earnest people. Insecurity is really a very unattractive trait and I think you could do with a bit of help in dealing with those feelings before you get into another relationship.

As another poster suggested, try some time on your own and get used to your own again, liking your own company for a start and being sure of your own feelings about things rather than needing constant approval and validation.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:12

I'm also not sure whether he says things to get a reaction because this was said after he'd asked me about how my last relationship ended and I'd said after a big row one too many, even though all day we had been close as ever, cuddling and holding hands as normal. He asked me if I saw him would I feel ok saying hi to him and I said I'm not sure but probably yes. He then said he had had the opportunity to do this twice as he had seen his ex and bottled it by not going into the place when he knew she was there. I'm probably just imagining it but sometimes I think he likes me a bit jealous

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2013 10:17

Well don't be jealous and if you think he's playing games with you to this extent, don't play - and move on. The fact that you think he might be playing games and seem to be ok with that is really not good.

We're getting edited highlights of your conversation but it all sounds very intense and exhausting. What outcome can anybody reach here based on a biased one-sided narrative? If you're like this as a couple 3 months into seeing each other, it's pretty obvious that you're not really compatible.

You deserve to be happy and so does he; it doesn't mean it should be together.

bestsonever · 12/12/2013 10:18

Last post a healthier attitude. He's flounced off a few times in only 3 months so he is exactly the wrong person for you. I think regardless it would be wise for you to move on.
Go about future relationships differently if you can, don't invest all too soon as 4 times a week sounds like you have put him above family and friends in priority which is never a good start.
Stop asking about exes, the reason you like to discus it is because you are insecure which makes you exactly the wrong person to tell much to as you will let it screw with your mind and potentially ruin what should be a nice time. TBH it does not necessarily matter if there are residual feelings for an ex still, this does not stop a person from developing new ones for someone else, so to insist on finding out is meaningless.
Exactly why I am cautious about talking of exes with anyone as having had a long, draining relationship with an insecure person I came to regret having said anything only to have it flung back at me unnecessarily. The past is the past, now I don't discuss as I'm quite good at moving on.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:18

Well he has actually set the pace of this relationship rather than me, I haven't had a talk about where its going, but he has and I have responded. I think it was fairly equal in deciding when we see eachother, he has mostly driven the half hour to my house. We are not in constant phone or text contact, once a day usually. So I have to say although I might feel insecure at times and it is only at time I hide most of it

I don't mind my own company am quite used to it as I've lived alone for four years now. But I do like him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:28

I definatly feel its me now. A lot of you have pointed out how draining it is to be with an insecure person. Thinking about it more though I'm not sure I am that insecure. I think last night was more about the fear of getting hurt if I was seeing someone who still loved their ex, mixed with a bit of pride at not wanting to be second best. It's not a nice thought to think the person your falling for may still have feelings for an ex.

I think I thought he would hold me and tell me not to be silly and everything was fine and when I didn't get the exact reaction I wanted it set me off more

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 10:37

That does sound rather suspiciously as though he is manufacturing drama around your known tendency to be insecure. Feeding you a line, knowing you'll pick up on it, and if you've managed not to go on about it too much, dredging it up again in the small hours. This time you bit - result! And here you are beating yourself up for it, spending all night and a good bit of the next morning thinking about him, him, only him. What's not to like?

Maybe I'm doing him a disservice here, and of course you do need to work on the insecurity thing (CBT can be good as a PP advised). But quite often when someone questions why they seem to be getting things wrong all the time in their relationship, it turns out that they were being set up to fail. (Not projecting here much, no, not at all!)

Vivacia · 12/12/2013 10:43

I think most of us feel some fear at the start of a relationship. It's exciting, different, new and also we don't to get hurt. It's normal to be a bit wobbly.
However, constantly checking and asking is not the way to protect yourself. You need to protect yourself in other, healthier ways.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:44

annie he didn't dredge it up in the small hours, unfortunately it was me. I asked him about his flat and when he moved back into it, so he thought the conversation was going to start about her again and he quickly got up out of bed and left. He has said things before though regarding his ex wife and now admits he teased me to get a reaction. This has stopped now though I'm not sure if its because he's been reassured of my feelings for him because of my reactions or because he could see it wasn't helping our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 10:46

vivacea It's not that I constantly check and ask normally. I only did so because I thought his reaction to her was a bit strange and I was worried. But I should have shut up sooner. Anyway I've pissed him off and he's probably gone for good

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 12/12/2013 16:43

Have been feeling like rubbish all day. Keep trying to work out if I have a major problem with interrogating people or with the right person I would be ok. I hate feeling I have totally ruined this relationship because we had good times when we together

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2013 18:32

The relationship isn't 'ruined' Santaclaws. It might not develop any further. To be honest, from your posts it sounds as if you view things differently and that's always going to be difficult. If this man isn't the one for you it doesn't mean the next one won't be.

Give yourself a bit of time to think about what the dealbreakers are for YOU, nevermind how you can bend yourself like a pretzel to fit another person's ideal. That's exhausting and fruitless. This man may not ring you again but if he does, you can apologise for bringing that subject up at 4am - but once you've apologised about that, be clear with him about what YOUR expectations are and back off a little a lot.

If he's really into you then he won't run off at the first sign of trouble but this is a new relationship and you need to stop making yourself into a 'couple'.