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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have had it with his smoking

91 replies

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 09:40

DH smokes, has done for years, he is in his early 40s. We have been together nearly 7 years during that time he has quit tiwce and both times he has taken up again (each time it started with cigars and he got furious with me if I told him not to smoke cigars as it would get him addicted again).

I hate and despise smoking so much now, it is starting to really effect our relationship. I hate the health effects - he ahs a horrid smoker's cough and I think he owes it to his children to give up for this reason alone. I hate the financial effects - we can't afford it, I find it a totally selfish act to spend family money we don't have on fags. I hate the effect on his moods - he is foul when he is having a bad nicotine withdrawal and is foul every morning when he wakes up which I think is down to nicotine withdrawal.

This morning he didn't have a fag and he was awful - we had a furious craming match in front of child, he was a prick, I responded in kind and TBH my whole day is destroyed (again). I just feel right now like I hate him thorugh and through. This morning to me was the final nail in the coffin of smoking.

Basically I don't think I can live with it anymore - as it is I nag him incessantly to give up which I know is the worse thing I can do, but it just seems that if I leave him to his own devices he will NEVER stop. I always thought he wanted to stop, I know he does in many ways that?s why he did give up twice before but I just feel now like we have reached a total impasse especially with the moods in the morning.

I have told him he is on his final wanring with smoking but I don't know what that means. I don't want to split up but I want to issue some kind of utlimatum that he has a month to do somehting about it or else? or else what? I don't know - even temporailily splitting up is a logistical nightmare so can't really do this - what can I do to dhow how serious I am about this, I have torally had it and this is now a deal breaker for me. I have lived with a drug addict before and it was awful, as far as I am concerned the fag smoking is now having a negtive impact on my life and the children's lives and need him to see that this is genuinely not acceptable to me and not something I can live with. I just want him to stop - if the tables were turned I know that he would demand that I gave up, being the type of person he is, that is the worst thing about it...

Any advice? I know I am probably taking worst possible approach to getting him to give up but this morning was particularly horrendous and I am just so frustrated, need help and advice!!! Thanks

OP posts:

Spagblog · 18/07/2006 09:43

It's hideous isn't it.
I could have written your post.

Unfortunately he must want to give up smoking in order for it to be successful.

Make him look at www.whyquit.com

southeastastra · 18/07/2006 09:44

be gentle it is not easy to stop! does he want to?

rickman · 18/07/2006 09:45

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 18/07/2006 09:48

I agree w/spagbol. He has to want to not smoke. Ever.

For my h, this has taken a LONG time. But I never nagged. I used to smoke myself, and all nagging would have done would be to stress me out and I'd smoke.

What finally did it for DH was his dad having to go on injectible insulin. His dad smoked from age 14 - 28, and had a family history of diabetes. At 45, he had diabetes. DH was called into our new surgery for a diabetes test b/c of his family history - his mother has it, too, although she never smoked (after watching her father die of emphysema), and he was found to be borderline.

At 28 years old.

He tried counselling - he's gone thru a full course of the patch twice and failed - but it didn't work for him.

So our new GP prescribed Zyban + patch.

That's doing the trick.

But he REALLY, REALLY doesn't want to smoke and get diabetes, emphysema, etc.

Piffle · 18/07/2006 09:48

I smoked when I met dp, he said I really like you but cannot go out or fomr a future with a smoker.
I had wanted to give up following a bout of nearly fatal pneumonia so I quit that day.
If he smoked when you met him your corner is harder to fight, unless he promised at that time to quit and didn't

expatinscotland · 18/07/2006 09:51

Piffle, that's what did it for FIL. MIL was an only child and was only 20 when her dad finally died of emphysema. It took about 5 years, though.

So she's always been vehemently anti-smoking.

FIL fell fast in love w/her, but she told him she wouldn't go out w/a smoker.

So he put down the fags for good.

mytwopenceworth · 18/07/2006 10:00

he is a drug addict and you cant make him give up, he has to want to - but you know this.

years ago, i was given a very harsh piece of advice (over a different problem) and it waws "put up or shut up". yes, very blunt isn't it?! it upset me at first but it is good advice. while i wouldnt turn to someone and say "put up or shut up" i would take the sentiment and say that if you are unhappy with something you have to make a choice to either act or accept.

you have said you are not prepared to leave, so threatening to do so is pointless and will only make things worse as he may see it as an attempt to manipulate and emotionally blackmail him - never going to be well received!

i think that as long as he feels that you are attacking him, he is going to respond in kind. instead of trying to force him to change, try sitting down and quietly telling him how you feel. YOU feel, not - he does X, Y, Z and you hate it and he has to stop. 'I' sentences. "I am worried about our finances, what can we do to improve them?" "I am worried about the effect of our arguments on our family, how can we change?" "I am frightened about your health, i love you and i am scared of loosing you", instead of trying to dictate to him (you are on your final warning young man!!), which is treating him like a naughty child, engage him in discussion.

I hope that you can read this in the spirit it is intended. it is my genuine well meant advice based on my personal experiences.

whatever you decide, be it a chat, going to Relate or indeed leaving over this, I wish you good luck xxxxxx

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 10:55

Thanks everyone.

Yes he smoked when I met him and I was much better about it then. Its the fact that he gave up twice (for 6 months each time) that has changed my perception of things. As far as I am concerned he agreed to be a non-smoker both those times and I can no longer accept him as a smoker.

I am aware that any ultimatum is pointless if I don't really want to leave him. Of course I don't want to leave him but I can't stand this vicious cycle we are in with the smoking and nor can I stand idly by and leave it to him (aware that this is probably the problem). Its just that I no longer trust him to give up smoking by himself, he has broken that trust.

I have tried all the reasoning about money, arguments and health but feel like I am up against a brick wall. He often promises me he is going to give up and did recently try (pathetically may I add) with patches which really don't work for him and make his nicotine moods worse. Each time he re-takes up he seems to be MORE addicted than he was before... He gave up really well once using Alan Carr but now he tells me it doesn't work a second time.

Sometimes he agrees that I can book him into a programme or something then if I nag we reach impasse agsin. I know he hates his smoker's cough and I know he knows how quickly the cough goes when he gives up and I know he felt better when he gave up. I do think that in many ways he really wants to quit but maybe he is stressed about failing again.

He told me if we bought him a new computer then he would give up - I said no way, we buy the computer AFTER you have given up as a reward, he said no the reward comes first - now i KNOW if we bought a computer he would just never bloody give up and then he would have got the computer for doing nothing!!

grrrrr so frustrated and yes yes yes know I am doing it all wrong but its making me crazy!

OP posts:

southeastastra · 18/07/2006 11:36

he is quite lucky that he has someone like you to nag him about it too! i don't get nagged so just keep on smoking.

FioFio · 18/07/2006 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 11:38

That's my point southeastra. I feel like if I stop nagging him then it is making it too easy on him just to keep doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 11:43

You wouldn't find this hilarious Fiofio. DH is the worse kind of smoker in that he inhales really deeply and smokes a fag down flat in a very short length of time. He is also horrendously bad tempered whenever he gets a nicotine craving.

His mood was NOTICEABLY better when he wasn't smoking.

OP posts:

FioFio · 18/07/2006 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 11:48

I know you weren't Fio just feeling up against a rock and a hard place with this.

Don't know what ultimatum I could give him that would work.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 18/07/2006 11:57

did he actually got the allen carr clinic or just read the book

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 12:00

He read the book and stopped for 6 months.

The second time he tried to read the second book but said that second time around it seemed like US self help crap.

OP posts:

FioFio · 18/07/2006 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

southeastastra · 18/07/2006 12:02

i read the book and it did make sense, but am considering going to the clinic, maybe it will be more 'ingrained' if i do that.

would he consider this, it's meant to have quite a high success rate

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 12:04

He says he can't be hypnotised Fio Fio! He's too powerful

I was considering booking him in for acupuncture. Could try the Allan Carr clinic but not sure if it will work after the book??

OP posts:

jellyjelly · 18/07/2006 12:08

I could have written this as well. It used to annoy me not i am not with him, it isnt my problem, he can kill himself if he wants to.

Do you think you can/could leave him over this or are there other factors?

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 12:10

Jellyjelly

I want to shock him into stopping but I don't want to leave him for any other reason . We actually have a pretty good relationship but this is clouding things right now - obviously my constant nagging is driving him equally mad.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 18/07/2006 12:12

i tried acupuncture it worked for a day

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 12:14

might cross acupuncture off the list then!

I know it is really hard to give up and that my attitude to it (just getting angry at him) is not helping. Do you think some sort of ultimatum would work for you?

I know it worked for Piffle but think that has more effect at start of relationship before kids etc...

OP posts:

SSSandy · 18/07/2006 12:14

If he's prepared to stop, maybe a health farm would be kinder on your relationship, I'd consider it worth (nearly) breaking the bank for. I HATE smoking so I know exactly how you feel

lummox · 18/07/2006 12:17

how about small rewards each day/week he goes without a cigarette? it helped me give up and might lower the temperature between you?

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