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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have had it with his smoking

91 replies

haditwiththefags · 18/07/2006 09:40

DH smokes, has done for years, he is in his early 40s. We have been together nearly 7 years during that time he has quit tiwce and both times he has taken up again (each time it started with cigars and he got furious with me if I told him not to smoke cigars as it would get him addicted again).

I hate and despise smoking so much now, it is starting to really effect our relationship. I hate the health effects - he ahs a horrid smoker's cough and I think he owes it to his children to give up for this reason alone. I hate the financial effects - we can't afford it, I find it a totally selfish act to spend family money we don't have on fags. I hate the effect on his moods - he is foul when he is having a bad nicotine withdrawal and is foul every morning when he wakes up which I think is down to nicotine withdrawal.

This morning he didn't have a fag and he was awful - we had a furious craming match in front of child, he was a prick, I responded in kind and TBH my whole day is destroyed (again). I just feel right now like I hate him thorugh and through. This morning to me was the final nail in the coffin of smoking.

Basically I don't think I can live with it anymore - as it is I nag him incessantly to give up which I know is the worse thing I can do, but it just seems that if I leave him to his own devices he will NEVER stop. I always thought he wanted to stop, I know he does in many ways that?s why he did give up twice before but I just feel now like we have reached a total impasse especially with the moods in the morning.

I have told him he is on his final wanring with smoking but I don't know what that means. I don't want to split up but I want to issue some kind of utlimatum that he has a month to do somehting about it or else? or else what? I don't know - even temporailily splitting up is a logistical nightmare so can't really do this - what can I do to dhow how serious I am about this, I have torally had it and this is now a deal breaker for me. I have lived with a drug addict before and it was awful, as far as I am concerned the fag smoking is now having a negtive impact on my life and the children's lives and need him to see that this is genuinely not acceptable to me and not something I can live with. I just want him to stop - if the tables were turned I know that he would demand that I gave up, being the type of person he is, that is the worst thing about it...

Any advice? I know I am probably taking worst possible approach to getting him to give up but this morning was particularly horrendous and I am just so frustrated, need help and advice!!! Thanks

OP posts:

orangegiraffe · 20/07/2006 10:53

They have to want to and be committed to the idea.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 10:55

tell me about Zyban?

OP posts:

charliecat · 20/07/2006 10:57

Other people nagging didnt make me want to smoke more...I smoked ANYWAY If I was happy/sad/sick/half asleep/raging/pissed. I smoked ANYWAY.

My mum attributes her smoking to traffic jams, she smokes in the morning when shes gets up. Before she goes out. When shes got to her destination.
Halfway through, shell pop out for another...then at the end she will have one more.
And one for the journey too.
When she gets home she will put on the kettle and have a fag while shes waiting, then another when shes made the tea....its now 12 in the afternoon. She hasnt seen been in any traffic jams that day. But thats what makes her smoke.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 10:57

Can I just say, once more for the record, he does want to give up, all his actions in the past point to this. Agreed that my nagging has not helped matters but there is a history to this, I didn't always nag and have been very patient and supportive through many attempts which has not been enjoyable given DH's horrendous behaviour when in nicotine withdrawal.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:02

In the UK (they're most fast and loose w/it in the US), Zyban is only given in dire cases. Chiefly when the smoker is presenting w/a health problem as the result of his smoking and/or has a serious family history of a medical condition that can be connected to smoking.

They also have to prove they've tried unsuccessfully to quit.

In my husband's case, he is a now borderline type II diabetic at age 28. BOTH his parents are on injectible insulin, w/his dad developing the disease at the age of 45. Neither is overweight. Nor is DH.

DH had smoked since he was 17. He was prescribed and went thru two full courses of the patch. He had also gone thru the NHS counselling services for smoking cessation.

Still suffered very intense physical addiction.

But the diabetes is why they finally relented and gave him the Zyban.

He has no side effects from it.

He smoked 20+ roll up cigarettes/day.

charliecat · 20/07/2006 11:04

What about dont give up giving up then as your pportive message...and dont rally too much round when he does try and give up.
One of these quits WILL be his last.
Its fucking soul troying though, you spend the night thinking that you will be strong in the morning and your not going to smoke and the frist thing you do is reach for the fags.
And so you may as well smoke for the rest of the day. its awful.

zippitippitoes · 20/07/2006 11:04

but wanting to give up has to be now not in the past

orangegiraffe · 20/07/2006 11:04

Thats good that he has made attempts to quit.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 11:07

Believe me he is 42 and he KNOWS that his smoker's cough is not a good thing. I see the look on his face when it hits him badly. It says it all, he def. wants to give up but think he is worried about weight gain and also the fact that smoking is somehow part of who he is (even though he knows he was fine when he gave up). I also think he worried about failing again and about being an arse to the family during a "quit" only to fail.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:10

Hadit
He really should see a GP! Cold turkey can work - it worked for my dad who smoked for a staggering 52 years! - but statistically, the success rate is better w/nicotine replacement + counselling and/or Zyban.

A cough can be a sign of lung damage, in which case they may indeed offer him Zyban in addition to the patch.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 11:12

He gave up cold turkey on Alan Carr (as described before) it was his easiest quit ever. Next time was also cold turley but harder for him. Patches don't work for him as it is the nicotine which makes him crazy. What does Zyban do - does it just make you feel ill if you smoke?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:12

Also, w/Zyban, DH has had none of hte narkiness he had w/cold turkey.

There ARE ways other than cold turkey to quit.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 11:12

Can they check for lung damage? That would get him motoring if anything would.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 20/07/2006 11:13

I think he has to psyche himself into the right frame of mind for him to try again. Each attempt at quitting is a marker on the route to his goal. So giving up and then starting again isn't a failure it's a step nearer to the goal. So instead of thinking he is back to the start like snakes and ladders, he is actually making good progress on his journey.

He also knows that you will go ballistic if he gives up and then starts again so it's a lot easier for him to just go for the status quo.

charliecat · 20/07/2006 11:13

Its truely embarrassing to keep quitting and failing I did it for 2 frigging years.
Like I said soul destoying.
I knew one of these times I would do it.
And I have.
Once I got out of bed a 3am with a torch and was looking in the wet garden for dog ends

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:13

Zyban apparently works by blocking the receptors on the neurotransmitters that are affected by the addiction.

No, you do not get ill if you smoke, but you just won't want to smoke at all.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 11:14

But I don't think he has the luxury of more time to reach the goal Zippi, given his cough

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:15

Yes they can check for lung damage - that's how they diagnose COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease - commonly known as emphysema.

Original poster

haditwiththefags · 20/07/2006 11:15

It is hard for me to understand as I have never smoked but have battled other demons.

OP posts:

lorina · 20/07/2006 11:16

My Dh gave up by listening to the Allan carr tape. The tape has much more impact than reading the book (suppose its a cd now not a tape).
He had tried and failed loads of times using the willpower /nagging and patches methods. But the Allan Carr is so inspirational that he just stopped straight away.

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:17

DH said it was a bit like switching off a light for him. He just flat out had no desire to smoke at all.

He was a very physically addicted smoker, too.

He had lost all other triggers when he started having to go outside to the car park, down two flights of stairs, w/a baby and toddler in tow every time he wanted to smoke.

Smoking was banned inside our flat building by the landlord.

zippitippitoes · 20/07/2006 11:17

He should go to his gp as expat says. But apart from physical addiction, he has to get mentally in the right from of mind and dwelling on failures isn't a good motivator.

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:18

I really think your husband may need some help beyond Allan Carr if he appears to already be suffering coughing spasms and he is in his early 40s, tbh.

expatinscotland · 20/07/2006 11:18

If anything, he should see his GP about those spasms, as they sound like they're knocking the wind out of him and that isn't good.

zippitippitoes · 20/07/2006 11:19

That's why I think smoking outside is better..it cuts down the amount you smoke, if you have to make that much effort.

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