I have had it with his smoking

[haditwiththefags]

DH smokes, has done for years, he is in his early 40s. We have been together nearly 7 years during that time he has quit tiwce and both times he has taken up again (each time it started with cigars and he got furious with me if I told him not to smoke cigars as it would get him addicted again).

I hate and despise smoking so much now, it is starting to really effect our relationship. I hate the health effects - he ahs a horrid smoker's cough and I think he owes it to his children to give up for this reason alone. I hate the financial effects - we can't afford it, I find it a totally selfish act to spend family money we don't have on fags. I hate the effect on his moods - he is foul when he is having a bad nicotine withdrawal and is foul every morning when he wakes up which I think is down to nicotine withdrawal.

This morning he didn't have a fag and he was awful - we had a furious craming match in front of child, he was a prick, I responded in kind and TBH my whole day is destroyed (again). I just feel right now like I hate him thorugh and through. This morning to me was the final nail in the coffin of smoking.

Basically I don't think I can live with it anymore - as it is I nag him incessantly to give up which I know is the worse thing I can do, but it just seems that if I leave him to his own devices he will NEVER stop. I always thought he wanted to stop, I know he does in many ways that?s why he did give up twice before but I just feel now like we have reached a total impasse especially with the moods in the morning.

I have told him he is on his final wanring with smoking but I don't know what that means. I don't want to split up but I want to issue some kind of utlimatum that he has a month to do somehting about it or else? or else what? I don't know - even temporailily splitting up is a logistical nightmare so can't really do this - what can I do to dhow how serious I am about this, I have torally had it and this is now a deal breaker for me. I have lived with a drug addict before and it was awful, as far as I am concerned the fag smoking is now having a negtive impact on my life and the children's lives and need him to see that this is genuinely not acceptable to me and not something I can live with. I just want him to stop - if the tables were turned I know that he would demand that I gave up, being the type of person he is, that is the worst thing about it...

Any advice? I know I am probably taking worst possible approach to getting him to give up but this morning was particularly horrendous and I am just so frustrated, need help and advice!!! Thanks

i need someone to constantly nag me about it!

You can't give him any ultimatum that will work, honey. Really, really, really. Nothing you do will work, I promise you. He's on his own with this one. He needs the will power and the wish to give up- it's not something you can provide for him. And it's very possible that if he has a certain sort of personality the more you nag the less likely he is to give up successfully.

I'm over a year into properly giving up now but this is about my fifteenth serious attempt. During my previous many cycles of trying and failing to give up I knew that it made me smell, that my partner didn't like it, that my children would be more likely to smoke etc etc, but I still failed many times. I don't know what the difference was that has made this time so much more successful but I do think that if my partner had behaved as you are doing (and I'm not blaming you- I can honestly see that it's very frustrating for you) this time wouldn't have worked either. I'll ask my partner how he did it later because he was perfect- really laid his pleasure on thick when I made decent efforts towards quitting, didn't comment too much on failures and made it clear that he thought I could and would do it eventually (though evidence was seemingly piling up to the contrary!) while making no bones about the fact that he thought it was something I needed to do because he and the kids loved me. I can see this is a tall order when you feel so shite about the whole thing but I honestly think his approach paid dividends in the end whereas I think that your current approach is ultimately doomed: the only place it can lead is to big big rows and more fags being sucked down in stress.

WoW I had to read that twice to make sure the OP wasn't DW

Thank god I am not mr angry in the mornings, and I hadnt had a row.
Otherwise it could be me
I love me fags me

video him when he's on one of his bad mornings and play it back, that'll show him how silly he is being

whyquit.com get him to read it for 30 mins a day, say you know he doesnt want to but to do it anyway for you, and then you would know that he was trying.

i promise i will read that charliecat

Thanks everyone and especially Pinko for your useful reply.

When I say he has given up twice I don't mention the countless other times he has tried and failed to give up in between and the predictable outbursts and moods during each of these attempts. I don't think giving up smoking gives you carte blanche to act like an ogre and be "supported" by your partner UNLESS you are quite sure you will not give up again. At first I was able to be supportive and understanding but now be patience has worn thin. I just feel like I have had it with having to put up with nicotine caused temper tantrums? I do think that is probably part of his problem. He knows how awful he is when he is giving up and therefore doesn't want to do it and fail.

I totally accept that I need to change how I am reacting to it but how do I go from here? Do I just wash my hands of it? Because to be honest, while I could shut up about smoking (well maybe!) I don't see why I have to put up with the horrible moods in the morning. Yes I can see that they are directly linked to each other (and not sure that DH even sees this) but what is best approach??

charliecat - your idea is a good one.

let us know how you get on too!

Have spoken to him. He has agreed to look at the website very day if I stop mentioning it constantly.

I then said "but I am allowed to remind you to check the webiste" and he said "if you do that then that's where its all going to fall apart?"

So I had to agree just to trust him to read the website. Very hard for me to do but will try. Thanks everybody you have all helped immensely. Things got so bad this morning that I took my wedding ring off and left it at home - I have never done this before and DH was not best pleased when he found out . Nor would I be!

But here is to a new beginning? wish us both luck !

Good luck

Leave the webpage open...howzat? then it would be there all the time...

haditwiththefags, I know exactly how you feel. I was a smoker when me and dp met as was he. I gave up 4 years ago with no problems. When I feel pregnant with ds I told dp that he had to give up smoking or he would never hold the baby. Yes, I know, incredibly harsh but I wanted him to give up for the health of our baby. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, he told me he had given up, baby slept in bed with us, when a couple of months later I found out he had been smoking, even worse he had been smoking in our bathroom!! (yeah right, like I would never catch on, the towels used to stink!). I confronted him about it but he insisted he wasn't. I eventually got some 'evidence' to which he fessed up and promised to give up smoking - again. That was 2 years ago, he has tried to quit umpteen times since then and each time he has started, but the worst thing is, he constantly lies about it (like I won't smell the smoke or see the fag ash strewn all down the side of the car and on the dash), even though I have 'proof' he still lies about it constantly! I have banned him from smoking for at least two hours before we all go to bed, and if I can smell it on him then I make sure he sleeps on the sofa! Think what you like, but I feel this is the only way I can deal with it, I don't want to be sleeping with someone thats going to make my ds/me/my sheets/my hair stink! So at least be thankful he doesn't lie.
Phew, sorry people I didn't expect this to go on for soooo long. Guess I needed to get it off my chest. So thanks

My dh smokes and i dont. I dont particulary like him smoking as much but i love him and i dont think people should put so much pressure on their partner to give up. I hope one day dh gives up smoking for his healths sake. But as other people on this thread have said you have to want to give up. But i dont nag him about it. He doesnt smoke in the bedroom in the the evening as he knows i cant sleep with smokey air. So there is things i dont like about the smoking but i dont go on about it.

My point exactly 2mum - you don't go on about it therefore he keeps on chugging away?

Does he want to stop?
Hes treid yeah?

tried

Hadit
All the websites, books, counseling, nagging, ultimatums, patches, etc will NOT get him to quit unless he wants to.

That's just the bottom line w/addiction.

Much as you love him, much as he knows how horrible it is for his health and all that, he has to want to be a non-smoker.

He has tried numerous times, twice successfully,. I do think he wants to be a non-smoker. But, as I said I have agreed to stop nagging him if he goes on website - I suspect he hasn't relooked at it since then though!

You have to seriosly want to give up smoking because its far far far easier to continue smoking than it is to put a whole load of welly in to stop.

He is serious.

He has, in the past, put in a whole lot of Welly as you say.

I kept saying to my DP..what are you waiting for? in other words...are you waiting for the doctor to tell you its too late.
Just every 3 weeks are so...what are you waiting for?

I have asked dh to stop for over a year now and every morning he gets up and lights up, I have stopped nagging as I have told him this is now up to him to want to give up.
I give up 5 years ago with the promise that he would too.
I know what you are going through.

True, charlie.

I'd NEVER, EVER nag someone to quit. EVER.

B/c as a former smoker, nothing would make me want to smoke more.

DH tried the patch twice before and smoked on it.

He tried counselling. Left the sessions gasping for a fag.

He had already gotten rid of all his psychological 'triggers' to smoke and, like most male smokers, had an intense physical addiction to fags.

The Zyban has knocked his cravings on the head, something that never happened before and he is also on the patch.

BUT, he also never wants to smoke again. It makes him sick. He is desperate not to become an insulin dependent diabetic like his parents.

Nagging is definitely the worst thing. I would insist that he doesn't smoke in the house and that's about it.

Forget about it yourself and don't even think about attributing his moods to smoking, although no doubt they are affected.

That way you will destress yourself.