Just want to fucking die. I just need to sleep.

[OHforDUCKSchristmascake]

Where the fuck do I start?

I had a huge fall out with my ex today. I get no break of any kind ever. I have two special needs kids, its 11pm and Ive run up to my youngest 5 times, last night he woke me every 15 minutes, at least tonight I have managed to watch TV.

I started a thread today kn AIBU where my ex let me down.

Was supposed to be seeing the kids tomorrow but no longer happening. I was mad with rage.

I begged him to take the kids to soft play last weekend (following him beimg away for 16 days) he didnt. He sat around my house playing with his phone.

I called him tonight to tell him Id been up tp our son 8 times, I tried to tell him that sometimes things arse so fucking hard I just want to die.

Its the on.y break Id fucking get, i have no friends or family HE is the one who is supposed to tale the heat.

He comes over and plays with his phone.

Or, like today claimes he has flu. (AIBU thread).

Does anyone else just get so, so, so tired that they just want to die? Even just for a bit?

Sleep never ever works, Id quite happily die for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if we all died at the same time. Like in a car crash.

I have to add. Hes never given me an actual break.

I don't have any advice but really didn't want to read and run.
Is there anybody else you could ask for help? Or maybe the HV or GP for a little bit of support? You sound really fed up and I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of bringing up your children - my mum brought me and my sister up without our dad and I really don't know how she did it. Our dad was a complete waste of space as well.
Hope you manage to get some sleep OP. Everything always looks better in the morning. xxx

That sounds incredibly hard and your ex sounds like an absolute arse. Do you have to let him into your home? How old are your DC? Have you spoken to anyone in RL about how overwhelmed you feel?

Hi lovey so sorry your having such a shit time I remember many years ago now when the longest I went without sleep was 36 hrs because my daughter then had very special needs.

Is there anyway you could make yourself a nest of some sort up stairs, kettle mug etc snacks books phone. So that you aren't running up the stairs, and lay down when you can?

I know its not a solution but minimising the running around means you might be able to relax for the odd few minutes you may get. If the kids know your close by they might settle better, just a thought and hope they both get better soon

Just offering a hand to hold.

It's tough and it hurts more when they behave like this, so maybe it's best if you use support other than your ex. Of just leave him with the DC and leave.

I promise it won't always be this bad. In the meantime you need to build up a support network. Your dc have special needs. Ring your council or check out their website. There'll be parents' groups out there and other ways you can get support.

I havent slept for more than an hour at a time for over 3 months.

Please excuse my typos Ive had wine. And the baby is waking AGAIN.

To answer your questions. No I havent told anyone in RL. No ones left, this has hit me today.

Oh yes I know that feeling, it is exactly how I felt when suffering very bad depression and life just felt too hard. I wanted to be a hedgehog so I could just curl into a ball, hide through the winter and basically just switch off from the world for 6 months.

It sounds like you are having a very shit time at the moment and are physically and emotionally exhausted. I really hope things get better for you soon

Maybe tell your health visitor how you are feeling?

How old are your children OP?

That level of sleep deprivation must be soul destroying, you are amazing to actually still function

Have you got any family that can help out for a few hours?

Please go and see your gp. GP's can arrange for social care - that's not taking children away, that's sending people in to help you. There are services around - they've been cut, as has everything else, but they're still there.

Sorry I just read that you haven't. What part of the country are you in?

Hand to hold here

Oh op. I will not say I know how you feel - but I remember when DH was out of the country for three long months and I was completely alone with a four year old and a four month old. Oh them days were relentless and the nights were torture

I spent a lot of time screaming really loudly to myself, alone in the room. I thought I wasn't coping at the time.

But I still woke up each morning and fed the kids, took one to school, bought in food. They survived. So did I. Looking back, I coped remarkably well - and so are you . Please believe me.

This too shall pass

Definitely look into respite care as soon as possible.

OP please do see your GP. You sound really exhausted and depressed about things...and who can blame you?! Its incredibly tough when you're having to do everything with no breaks. Do you have any family to help? How old are the kids?

GP can definitely help with some support and my own GP was great when things got tough for me as well. Don't be afraid to ask them.

Im hoping that you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Homestart volunteer could help you?

Get to your GP, tell them how you are feeling. They can help you find support.

And to answer your question, yes I have been that tired and felt so without hope that I did temporarily wish I was dead. But hold on and the feeling passes. One thing about having young kids is that they are always growing, it will get easier.

Your ex sounds like an arse. You can't force the irresponsible to take responsibility, so get all the outside help you need.

I'm sure you have thought of this, but is there a reason why he can't stay over/have the kids overnight to give you a break?

Please listen to the advice on here and seek advice from a GP or council - there must be help available to you. Please don't suffer in silence anymore.

In the meantime until Monday, there must be information you can seek online through your council website for example - at least that may offeryou a little hope.

Thinking of you x

Yes. And I have a supportive DH.
Do you trust him in your house? Could you find a £29 premier inn and leave him to it?

Completely understand this May not be an option x

Another SN mum here, holding out a hand...

Ohforducks, sounds like you could do with a break and someone to take over for a little while. How old are your DC's? If they are all under 5 you probably won't be getting the respite that is school! Do you have a disabled children's social worker/family worker?

As others have suggested go see your GP, they may be able to give you something to help deal with the stress, mine did when I got to the point where I wanted the world to stop, so I could get off.

Holds out hand again.

I am hoping that you are asleep and having the most restful night possibele.

And why do I spot the typo just as the message is loading and cannot do a thing about it... Meh

OP that sounds fucking unbearable. Where are you? My life is an absolute shitstorm at the moment (as in comically bad, not "wish I was dead" bad) but if I can help in any way I'd be very happy to.

Holding out my hand too.

Please ask for help in RL. And keep asking for it.

Thank you so much for the support.

I keep doing this, I go X amount coping just fine with the youngest waking 5 times a night, then it gets really bad for a few weeks and I deal with that too then something will make me crash.

Yesterday it was my ex claiming he had flu, me telling him he couldnt be here for 7 days. He doesnt have the fucking flu he has a cold.

Then I realise how tired I am, mentally and physically exhausted. It highlights the issues, that when he sees the kids he never takes them out anywhere, I get no help at night, when he is here he sits on his phone and ignores the kids.

Then I post on here out of desperation and I get some excellent advice.

Ive been given numbers and told who I need to talk to, and Ive saved the pages on here and I spend the next few days with my hand hovering over the phone wanting to call these people that might be able to help.

But something always stops me, I know at that very point Im so tired Im thinking God, wouldnt death just be a massive break? Because I dont actually know any other way to get a break. But I know that feeling wont last long, as in the youngest is waking every 15 minutes but I know I need to figure out whats causing it, and I will (I think its brown rice, he has 30 odd food allergies) then things will slip back to 'normal' for a bit, him waking 5 times and me coping with that fine.

What if I call for help, or reach out then the help comes during a time when things have settled?

This is the reason Ive stopped myself calling. If anyone is on here thinking "shes posted 3 times about is, Ive offered her advice and she hasnt taken it" then please, please know that I have. And that I want to be proactive but what keeps happening is the huge lows never last more than a few weeks. Then its a few weeks of being ok.

I also think, I will have found somewhere for Xp to live by then, so then I will get a break but thats taking far longer than I anticipated.

Then I think I will get the youngest into nursery, but he needs the chicken pox vaccine and measles single vaccine both in hospital settings and that too is taking far longer than expected.

Thank you for listening, thank you for holding my hand, thanks for not judging me, thanks to those who have given me advice or suggestions, here or in the past.