Just want to fucking die. I just need to sleep.

[OHforDUCKSchristmascake]

Where the fuck do I start?

I had a huge fall out with my ex today. I get no break of any kind ever. I have two special needs kids, its 11pm and Ive run up to my youngest 5 times, last night he woke me every 15 minutes, at least tonight I have managed to watch TV.

I started a thread today kn AIBU where my ex let me down.

Was supposed to be seeing the kids tomorrow but no longer happening. I was mad with rage.

I begged him to take the kids to soft play last weekend (following him beimg away for 16 days) he didnt. He sat around my house playing with his phone.

I called him tonight to tell him Id been up tp our son 8 times, I tried to tell him that sometimes things arse so fucking hard I just want to die.

Its the on.y break Id fucking get, i have no friends or family HE is the one who is supposed to tale the heat.

He comes over and plays with his phone.

Or, like today claimes he has flu. (AIBU thread).

Does anyone else just get so, so, so tired that they just want to die? Even just for a bit?

Sleep never ever works, Id quite happily die for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if we all died at the same time. Like in a car crash.

Oh it's most assuredly him It's laughable; except it's really horrid for you as having got a little bit of time to relax and feel human in, he then deliberately adds to your stress level. I would guess that he's kind of hoping that you'll find that him giving you time off doesn't work too well, so you decide that it's not worth the aftermath. You won't go down that road, will you?

I'm glad to hear he went. And you might be right about him being depressed, he is in a difficult position.

But

You are not responsible for making him better/nursing him/entertaining him/ finding him somewhere to live. You have enough on your plate already and right at the moment I don't think you should be carrying him too.

I don't mean to sound hard, but you deserve to find someone (not a relationship type someone, a practical support type someone) that you can lean on a little and it isn't your ex at the moment.

The latest.

Ds1 woke me up at 4.34am, then the washing machine was going mad so by 6am I was up about and fully awake. So I text ex and told him not to come round at 7am because it was pointless (the whole point of 7am is to pluck the kids off me so I could sleep in) and to come later but in a good mood, assuming he would be here at 8.30am because thats the usual time. He knew what I meant because we have had a similar conversation several times in the past. I called at 9.30am and woke him up.

He rocks up at 10fuckingAM, and tells me HE has been up since 4am too. I said its too late to take the kids swimming as promised (ds2 needs a nap) and he said 'probably best since Im under the weather'

Fucking prick. Apparently he has been up all night ill again with a temperature, and he is sat on the sofa feeling his forehead every few minutes.

I fucking HATE HIM. I HATE HIM.

Im in silence because I dont trust myself, if I open it I was fucking scream and shout and tell him everything I think of this 'flu' which comes and goes, his fucking miserable face and his bullshit excuses and him making me pay for the time off he allowed me.

I fucking. HATE him.

Although tbf he looks like shit

Why is he even in your house?!

Yes, why? If he's not fit for contact then he should FO. Does he want to give you this mysterious fleeting flu too? Then he'd have to have them FT until you recovered.

Kick him out. Contact takes place outside of your home. Up to him to find places to take them. When he brings them home he doesn't need to come in.

Looks like you have potential support from your in-laws in the future but need a temporary solution now? I think if sleep is your priority then you need to separate yourself physically, sleep elsewhere, a hotel if needs be, or get a lock on your bedroom door, earplugs and strict opening hours. This might be helpful for DS who is clingy and make it easier in the future when you start to get your life back. You will get your life back but you have to put your claim in early!

I actually think it is really beneficial for children to spent time with both parents in the child's own home.

If you're not still living in the same house OP he shouldn't be staying in your home while in charge of DCs. If it is easier for you both that way, considering disability issues, then perhaps you should go and sleep elsewhere. But don't wait for him to change or adapt his lifestyle, you have to make it happen and work for you and that might prevent you getting upset and angry. He's not going to suddenly turn into the helpful handy husband very soon judging from what you have said about him.

I think you should have kept to the plan this morning, it will be hard to make arrangements based on the needs of the children at any given time, a routine is far better even if it doesn't work best for you every time.

Be mindful as well of not making it appear to your children that you want them out of the way (even it's true and that's understandable!) as they will see it as rejection.

I do the absolute complete opposite of making my children feel as thoughnI want them out the way.

Despite eberything I utterly adore my children.

I suffer, so they dont have to. Isnt that the whole point? Its part of my job description as a mother as far as im concerned.

Interesting, I don't think the point is to suffer so they don't have to, you look after yourself so they don't suffer, sometimes that brings with it a bit of discomfort all round.

"be mindful as well of not making your children feel as though you want them out the way."

Read my above OP pass life aint a bucket of fun right now. You said make sure they dont feel like ai want them out the way and I said no, I dont, Id rather suffer and grin and bear it.

You then said thats no right either.

Exactly, hense the whole point of this whole thread. Life absolutely fucking SUCKS. Thanks for your insight.

I am really trying you know.

Ive called the contact centre, Ive filled in the form, I told their dad what I needed and he is half obliged.

Im not being a martyr, Im not wanting to wallow in self pity and I certainly dont enjoy this

Discomfort all round? How?

Im not making my kids sit in a poxy cold damp caravan so I get a break.
Im biting my tongue not to fight with their dad. It was most definitely better that I havent had to bit my tongue since 7am. I thought he was turning up and taking the kids swimming but he screwed that up.

What 'all round discomfort' is that we arent doing?

It sounds like you're still having to parent your ex. It's ridiculous isn't it that he wasn't prepared to take them swimming because he turned up lat

I hope the contact centre works out for you.

As you seem happy to let your ex be with the dc in your home and you don't feel he is using it to control you have you got anywhere you could go and have a sleep - the cold damp caraven or the in-laws or friends?

Nobody's trying to annoy you here. When I meant discomfort all round I meant the children and your feckess ex - they too need to understand that you have needs, yes they will make a fuss as you mentioned earlier, but they will have to deal with it.

I don't think anyone wants you to put your kids in a cold caravan, the suggestion was that it's you that needs sleep - that's the focus of this discussion isn't it? If you can't sleep at home, perhaps somewhere else would be better? I had most of my deep sleep at my Mum's where I knew the dcs would be safe and well and she wouldn't wake me up or let them wake me up.

What i said about not letting your children think you are trying to avoid them is just that - it happens, all the time, when parents, usually mothers, try to get their halfarsed dc fathers to give them a break. They have to push and push and this frequently is picked up by the children and misinterpreted, not as 'mummy needs a break' but as 'mummy doesn't want me'. In abusive relationships this is the perfect prelude to some fuckwit Dad sayig 'see, there you go, mummy doesn't want you'. I am saying this as a precaution of how it can appear from the outside. I was actually trying to help. I'm sorry if I have offended you.

Nothing positive to add but I hope things get better OP my heart goes out to you

Hope you're okay op.

Hmm do you have a house? Is there a bolt you can put on the downstairs doors so the dc can't come upstairs to disturb you? Could you try wearing ear defenders and bolting your door shut so even if ex is downstairs with them you can sleep through whatever noise/disturbance they are making?

I'm really cross with your ex on your behalf, I hope he is at least working and providing financial support?

Could he come and put them to bed sometimes so you can go to bed very early and get some hours in that way?

Yes that sounds unbearable. I know about the crying my eyes out so tired stuff.havent really had more than hand ful of nights in over four years as dh " doesn't do nights"
But you need to see gp lovely and get some help ASAP.