Just want to fucking die. I just need to sleep.

[OHforDUCKSchristmascake]

Where the fuck do I start?

I had a huge fall out with my ex today. I get no break of any kind ever. I have two special needs kids, its 11pm and Ive run up to my youngest 5 times, last night he woke me every 15 minutes, at least tonight I have managed to watch TV.

I started a thread today kn AIBU where my ex let me down.

Was supposed to be seeing the kids tomorrow but no longer happening. I was mad with rage.

I begged him to take the kids to soft play last weekend (following him beimg away for 16 days) he didnt. He sat around my house playing with his phone.

I called him tonight to tell him Id been up tp our son 8 times, I tried to tell him that sometimes things arse so fucking hard I just want to die.

Its the on.y break Id fucking get, i have no friends or family HE is the one who is supposed to tale the heat.

He comes over and plays with his phone.

Or, like today claimes he has flu. (AIBU thread).

Does anyone else just get so, so, so tired that they just want to die? Even just for a bit?

Sleep never ever works, Id quite happily die for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if we all died at the same time. Like in a car crash.

Might be worth posting this in special needs chat. There are loads of lovely people over there who give very good advice. Have you tried contacting your council about the help they can offer? I rang ours recently about direct payments and they sent a lovely disability social worker out who told us all about respite care and regular weekly help which you can access. It will get easier.

PM me if you ever fancy a cuppa. I'm less than 25 miles away

Thank you Gobby thats really nice.

I need to get out sometimes too

You have to get sleep.
I was like you coping for years on little sleep because DS was awake a lot during the night. You need to get help now not wait until you fall asleep without warning at the wheel of your car or become unable to remember whether you have given your child their medicines five minutes after doing so. Do not delay until a crisis happens. I was a zombie for years until I asked for help. I should have gone far sooner but in a sleep deprived state I was not thinking straight.
Go to your GP. Hopefully Arrangements can be made for someone to come for a few hours during the day so you can go and lie down.
It is not possible to function properly without sleep. Please be kind to yourself and get help.

Another sn parent here. Try homestart for immediate help try any advocacy service you can to get every scrap of help you can. Tell gp get assess for respite making it clear you are a single parent and partner gives ypu no respite him hanging out at yours idsnt help, will take some time but a support worker van help you put a plan in place that gives you a life thats realisable and reasonable

I live in the same town, you sent me a helpful message when I moved here! If you want a tea and a chat let me know, would be happy to lend an ear x

Put him out of your mind, do as firstimer says and get the support you need from the services.

Remember that his lack of interest in his children is HIS loss. He misses out now and he will miss out long term when they forget his name. Sad for your DCs of course but HE has to make his relationship work with them.

If it's any consolation at all, 90% of all parents with SN children end up separating. Sad but true. This is why there is support out there for you and you need to make use of it.

I'm about 20 miles from you, could meet for coffee too on a weekend. Don't want you to feel alone x

I think rather than a nursery you should find a childminder, there are a lot less germs and children and the one on one attention could really help with seperation anxiety.

Really feel for you. Please talk to health visitor or GP You can't make ex be what he isn't, unfair as it is, but there is other help out there. If the children have special needs you should be entitled to a carers assessment in your own right

Update.

I just spoke to the contact centre and she is sending out a referral form. Is self referral so hats fine and theres a waiting list but it doesnt sound too horrendously long.

Ex is finally listening.

I think he is finally getting it.

He swore he would take the kids out for at least half a day both days on the weekend, and would be here early to pluck the children off me to let me sleep and he promised to turn his phone off while he is here.

I believe him, I just wish I didnt have to fight, beg and plead for a break when it should be a given.

But still, a break is coming. And not a moment too soon. In fact, quite a few moments late but there you go.

Thanks again for your support and advice.

Great news Ducks

Take care love

Sounds good. Remember to keep up seeking support even when you feel a bit better, then you need never feel like this again

I would book a hotel for the next time he comes round and just leave him in the house with them for a day.

Honestly, he isn't giving you a break so take one.

I used to be a Homestart volunteer, Ducks, and your situation is just the sort of thing we used to deal with - along with lots of other scenarios!

As said upthread, the volunteer you get will support you in any way you need, and will be there for you for as long as you want - 3 months, 6 months, a year or more! They will probably come and see you once a week. They will be a brilliant shoulder to cry on, or just give you some practical help. In time, your ds will get to know them, and they'll become part of the family.

You can self refer, and its not means tested.

There's nothing to lose!

I've been there with the sheer lack of sleep and overwhelming exhaustion/ depression. I know how you feel. I wish I'd known about Homestart.

Good Luck with it all, and keep posting.

Gecko a hotel. Now that IS a good idea. Not one Id considered.... Im trying to night wean and if the ex had his own place Id be trying to leave him for the night there if I could. But I hotel hmm this seems like a very wise suggestion. Im 4-5 minutes walk from one, too.

Icoulda I didnt realise homestart stuck around for that long. I thought it was for 3-4 visits. That does make a difference. I may need to reconsider that then!

Thank you. X

Oh this is sounding good. Progress! And Homestart sound like a boon. Wish I'd known about them when dd was small, dh was useless and I was succumbing to ms - would have made a world of difference to me, too.

Get in there, Ducks. They sound just what you need. And the hotel is an inspired suggestion.

So today was the beginning of me finally getting a break.

And it started off so well. But its gone sour and I really need to know if its him. Or me. I obviously think its him but is my opinion skewed?

So he comes at 7am as promised and plucks the children out my bed as promised and lets me sleep. I wake up at 9.49 am for the first time in YEARS, literally about 3-4 years, and the house is silent. BLISS.

So I got a lie in, I showered without screaming and shouting kids tugging on the shower curtain and I sat on the sofa and had a cup of tea in peace for an hour, and they came back from soft play.

I was . Really content and happy. I was more than happy, I was WOW happy.

Except ex isnt. He is around for the rest of the afternoon and has a face like a slapped arse. He wont look at me or speak to me, Im not even give me one work answers he either ignores me or gives me a barely-there nod of the head.

I ask him what is wrong and he says hes fine! Why?!

Hmmm

Then hes trying to sleep on the sofa and the kids are jumping on me being demanding and its clear my day off is over.

It gets to about 3pm and Im stick of the sad woe face, the silence and the mood so I ask again. I asked if he is pissed off with me having time off?

He starts saying that its me thats being moody, its me that has the problem. I laughed! Ive just had a lie in and an hour off, Im pleased! But he tries twisting it round for me being the issue.

He then starts saying he needs to go to the shop and get painkillers. I asked what hurt and he says nothing. He said its for nighttime. I asled what hurts at night and he said nothing. he said he gets a raging temperature at night, he still isnt well.

Except he doesnt get a temperature during the day, he has no coughs and sneezes and his only symptoms is faced like a slapped arse and silence.

He went to tesco and bought a bag FULL of cold and flu remedies, really OTT.

I know what is sounds like, I finally get the break hes promised me and Im looking a gift horse in the mouth.

But for some reason he has decided to make me pay for said time off.

Im dreading tomorrow. I dont want him to come, the atmosphere is awful. Im going out in the afternoon that will help but I feel as I have to endure a punishment for it. Fucking fantastic.

For example, at dinner the kids and I were mucking around and did something naughty/funny we laughed, it made him laugh to so he quickly turned away, gained his composure and turned back with a face.

what a fricking weirdo.

He is actually making a genuine effort to be miserable.

Why?!

Or am I being an ungrateful bitch?

No you aren't ungrateful.
If he is looking after the children for the day, then that is what he should do. If he isn't looking after the children then he needs to leave, it is not his home for wallowing on the sofa in. Not anymore. If he is ill, he goes to his home to rest.

And next time - make sure you've left for the day before he comes back.

Hes just been storming round the house, he said he "goes down hill from 6pm"

Which is weird because he was here thursday night to see the kids and left in good spirits.

No idea whats up with him but this 'illness' sure is picky, and tends to choose weekends to rear its head...

Go to your social services and request a Carers assessment. This is a stand alone assessment done by children's social services to look at your needs as your children's carer. Your role as a mum goes far further than a usual parenting role. The outcome of that assessment, reading your message, is a significant respite package.

Also register with your local Carers Service who should be able to support you www.cftc.org.uk

Honestly - send him away. He is worse than useless as he is actually adding to your stress, not helping reduce it.

Thanks moreslummy I think I may well do just that. I just building up the balls to do so.

MrsCakes hes gorn now. Im torn between feeling guilty and feeling cross. Is he really ill? I said he seemed fine on Thursday, really up beat. He said 'yeah but it hits me at different times, that night it hit me at 8pm.'

Just 30 mins ago he said he goes down hill from 6pm.

He is either genuinely ill and feels crap and that explains everything or he is just getting fucked off with us all and had enough.

Ive actually be wondering today if he is depressed. Because Ive felt depressed before and Ive felt as though I cant muster any happiness or enthusiasm for life or my kids.

If it carries in another week Im definitely going to mention it.

He isnt usually THIS much of an arse.

It's him not you!