Just want to fucking die. I just need to sleep.

[OHforDUCKSchristmascake]

Where the fuck do I start?

I had a huge fall out with my ex today. I get no break of any kind ever. I have two special needs kids, its 11pm and Ive run up to my youngest 5 times, last night he woke me every 15 minutes, at least tonight I have managed to watch TV.

I started a thread today kn AIBU where my ex let me down.

Was supposed to be seeing the kids tomorrow but no longer happening. I was mad with rage.

I begged him to take the kids to soft play last weekend (following him beimg away for 16 days) he didnt. He sat around my house playing with his phone.

I called him tonight to tell him Id been up tp our son 8 times, I tried to tell him that sometimes things arse so fucking hard I just want to die.

Its the on.y break Id fucking get, i have no friends or family HE is the one who is supposed to tale the heat.

He comes over and plays with his phone.

Or, like today claimes he has flu. (AIBU thread).

Does anyone else just get so, so, so tired that they just want to die? Even just for a bit?

Sleep never ever works, Id quite happily die for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if we all died at the same time. Like in a car crash.

I also need to add, that whilst I think dying would give me a break (for fucks sake listen to that. Am I really saying those words? It sounds so utterly ridiculous! Death! To get a break! What an idiot) I need to press that I do not have any urge to harm myself in anyway.

Why on earth is is your responsibility to find exp somewhere to live?

Please ask for help. If help comes while you are settled, just explain what it is like when you are struggling! They should not judge you on been able to cope for a few weeks, but look at the whole picture.

I had help through homestart and a college student! each coming in for a day or half day each week. I used it to sleep, or just spend time on my own (normally in another room) that few hours rest was all I need to help recharge my batteries and also when time got bad I would know that in x amount of time/days I was going to get rest.

Like you I was in a new area had no family locally or friends. But I did have support of my lovely Dh but he had to work every hour 18hrs per day. Please please ask for help. I did, and it change all our lives for the better. What do you have to lose?

I second contacting Homestart also call the Samaritans and they may be able to find some local help for you.

There truly are people out there who want to help you.

Where are you? What county or major town/city near you?

Are you in UK ? Vaccinations are not a requirement for nursery here . Your relationship boundaries with your ex seem very blurred and he will take advantage. He sounds like the sort who needs to be told what and where not given choices and ways to wheedle out. Do you a have any legal arrangements in place re. access. Why is it your responsibility to find him somewhere to live. Talk to HV, gp , Homestart , Children's Centre, even SS, about getting some support for you in place.

Read your spots about not following up. It's so important to make those connections and build your network, especially when you are feeling well as it will be in place when you crash with exhaustion.

I had this with my ExP and a high demand baby (clubfoot = up half the night til he's at least 6 or 7years old).

After 2 years of being like your ex p I just said 'you either start lookign after him alone or just go through the courts because I cant do this anymore and your relationship with your son is your responsibility, not mine' (partly for the break as I was suicidally depressed from lack of sleep at the time and partly because their relationship was non existant).

I know you have some responsibility to leave the door open for him with the kids but you're not obliged to carry on like it is if it's really not working and you're in such a state.

And give those numbers a call. If you feel the way you've described then it's bad enough. Don't wait any longer.

So sorry you're having such a tough time OP. You ex sounds like a hindrance rather than a help.

Short term - agree with others - speak to your GP. This situation can't go on even if some times are better than others. You are isolated and you and your dc's need more of a safety net for when things do get tough.

Talk to Homestart - get something regular set up - it's so important that you get a break, and a reliable break at that. Your ex is being rubbish I'm afraid, you can't depend on him. You will get better support from a volunteer.

Can you access any respite care for the children who are waking you up? Ex sounds worse than useless. Ban him from the house unless he can make himself useful. Or even better, if he's there, arrange to go to a friend's/ relative's house and curl up in their spare room for a nap or the night.

Ok Im going to try and answer all the questions sorry if I miss any.

Finding him a place to live isnt my job, he is doing it too but Im home all day and have good internet access and Im desperate for him to find somewhere so Im pushing it along.

Im in East Sussex, Brighton.

Ive been to the GP a few times actually, one time they prescribed sertraline, or something like that I cant remember the name an antidepressant. But Im not depressed, Im just exhausted. And lost.

The home start seems like such a good and obvious idea but it feels as though it isnt an option. For example, if I leave the room and ds and his dad are in the room he screams and howls for me. Sometimes gets himself in a state.

He is very wary/frightened of strangers, I cant imagine he would ever be ok with being left with someone. It's going to take weeks and weeks to settle him into nursery when the time finally arrives.

As for the vaccinations, it isnt a need of the nursery, its a need of my son. Basically he as lots of serious health issues, to catch chicken pox could be fatal (OR he might be fine, thats the thing we dont know its quite a risk) and the same with measles. He is often on steroids, so his immune syste, often suppressed so Im trying to protect him as best I can.

In an ideal world he wouldnt go to nursery at all. But I need a break

Thats the thing, if his Dad had his own place I wouldnt be typing this. Id be fine because id have a break. If the youngest went to nursery, the same. It make take weeks and weeks to settle him but at least its a start.

So there is a vague light at the end of the tunnel but Im often on my knees in the mean time.

You need to see your GP and contact the health visitor about getting some respite care and a break. My daughter has special needs and we are entitled to it but I always decline it because I know there are others out there who need it more. Please get help ASAP and make use of the help available. Please just hang on for a little bit more. Ring your ex up and tell him to get himself and his man flu over now so you can lock yourself in your bedroom and sleep! He sounds like a total arsehole and needs to take some responsibility for the children he's fathered. Good luck op!

How old is your ds2? tbh his separation anxiety may not get any better until he is left for short periods and can comprehend that you return , it will be no different having a volunteer as with your ex especially if visits are unreliable and irregular. Home Start volunteers in fact often don't help directly with the childcare but can support in other ways , like housework or shopping. Your ex doesn't have to see them at your home, he could go round to the park or arrange a neutral contact centre while you get some sleep or rand r.

Being lost and exhausted do sound like symptoms of depression and certainly thinking about death as a solution is. Go back to GP and try anti-ds again if he/she feels it appropriate . Sometimes it is trial and error as to which one works best. If you carry on like you are you will become physically ill through exhaustion and then who will look after your dc.

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Don't dismiss the Home-Start idea, they can give you a bit of a break now, even if it's just playing with your little ones with you in the same room, while you get on with other things. Then they can help you figure out a longer term plan. They are amazing - friendly, non-judgy just nice people who know how hard it can be. They can also just be a listening ear for you too, it sounds like you could do with that in RL too. And don't worry about things being better before/when they come - they know there are good days, bad days and utterly shit days. And you can talk to us as much as you want to!

He is 2 years 6 months old.

LIZS you mean its possible for us to arrange a contact centre ourselves? And he can take the kids there? As simple as that? That would be absolutely bloody brilliant.

OH MY GOD! Theres a contact centre HERE! In this tiny little town I live in (outskirts of brighton). OH. MY. GOD.

He could take them there!

Im actually shaking a bit. And welling up.

Am I getting ahead of myself? Can we really do this? Do we have to pay?

Oh my God

Yes good idea re contact centre. Im sure they could help and you'll be able to get ex out of the house with the kids. Then you can have a decent break, pamper yourself or whatever you need to do.

Hasn't the ex got family either? Any way he can move in with them? Seems to me that he's not that useful or interested in the kids anyway.

He was much better before he got a smart phone. Now he is glued to it.

We met many years ago in Hampshire. His family and my family still live there.

However, his mum is retiring soon and they are thinking of selling the house and living closer.

Id absolutely LOVE for his folks to live here. They are good, nice, loving people. They would see the kids and yes, perhaps he could even live with them. I could quite imagine him doing that actually.

You have absolutely no idea how utterly thrilled I am that a contact centre is an option, and right here.

Thank you SO, SO, SO much, I never realised this was even an option.

Thank for those who suggested it. Im unbelievably grateful.

If he has a smart phone he could easily get off his backside and find somewhere to live Fingers crossed the contact centre can help.

I will be calling them the second they open on Monday morning.

I could potentially have 2 hours off a fortnight. That will make the hideous nights far easier if I know a proper break is coming up.

Not a proper break, you know what I mean. Potentially 2 hours of sleep!

Thinking of you re the Contact Centre.

Mind you, if he drives he can easily take them anywhere - soft play, walk along the beach, mooch around the shops. Can you steer him towards taking them out?

Another, not so good option, is for you to leave your ex and kids in the house and go to eg a nice coffee shop or library for a snooze?

Jux I have tried. I really wanted him to come here early last saturday so he could pluck the kids off me and let me sleep in, then take them to soft play.

Neither thing happened.

Golddigger I have done that. The last time I did it about a month ago I took a couple of magazines to the local pub because they have a huge hot fire with sofas.

As I was walking along my legs were burning from tiredness having been up a million times that night and all the other nights. I kept thinking to myself I just want to be at home and felt utter resentment that HE was in my home, the places I wanted to be while I was trudging up a fricking hill to get away from the all. It was blissful when I got there though.

Have you contacted Homestart?
Here's the page for your area.

You can contact them yourself. They might be able to provide a volunteer to come round and sit with the children while you nap. Or provide any other support you need.