In laws are malicious, I am now leaving marriage

[mrsrfw]

Hi,
I am married to a wonderful man. He is kind, a gent and loves me and our 9 month old ds to bits.
Sadly, his family are malicious, abusive and just downright nasty. I have known them just four years and in that time there has been hate mail, screaming phone calls, arguments which leave hubby in bits, threats to not attend the wedding, emotional blackmail regarding husband's father's health (works every time on husband, just vile), invites to the family home without me, christmas cards without my name, demands to choose between them and me and so on. None of this is an exaggeration, I don't do drama.
I am now planning to move out as husband is still in contact with them, goes over to help them with things and acts as if nothing has ever happened. There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.
My breaking point was this weekend when he brought home cards from them. A massive 8 page effort for our ds and, shock, a card for US. I realised that I was still massively unhappy with this as there has been no apology, no acknowledgement for the way they have behaved and I am very very hurt.
I feel my only option is to leave the relationship as this will be the way things are for the rest of our lives. They will do something, he and I will be hurt, he will go back to them as if everything is ok while I go quietly nuts.
My husband is perhaps too good for his own good and they know he will always cave in and help them out. I feel sick. This is not what I want for my son.

Can anyone offer any advice on anything? I just want my family and to feel safe. we tried boundaries but that did not work.

I wish I wasn't typing this.

Yours,
MrsRFW

I think you have made a sound decision. I could have written your post and more. I persisted with the in laws and it ended badly.
In hindsight I can see that I was fighting a lost cause and if I could do it again would chose your path.
I do wonder how you perceive that DS will have no contact either. This will be the stick they use to beat you for the foreseeable future IMO . Once you are out it will become all out war or a game for them and the H and the child and the PILs have rights in regards to contact.
Have you thought about returning to your support system?

Hi all.
We have been talking things over but no solution. He has a strong desire to see them and does not understand why. He is in counselling to try and unearth the reasons.
Our talks turned into shouting last night which is not a good sign. I had hoped to remain civil but I lost my temper.
He does not want to lose me or DS but feels he cannot stop wanting to see the family.
This is what I feared would happen. The increase in visits has led to a return to the bad old days when he really wanted to see them and they wanted nothing to do with him. He thinks he is stronger now and can handle it. It's like watching a recovering addict fall off the wagon.
I'm upset. Our son is about to lose his home and his Daddy all because of three people who still don't give a hoot about DH.
I cannot stop hubby from wanting to see them. I realise how controlling that sounds.
I really wish I had known how this relationship was going to go. I would never have become involved.
Merry Christmas!

mrsrfw but as you've realised, until your DH takes control of the situation, nothing will change. My heart goes out to you...

I'm so sorry mrsrfw

He is very much making the wrong decision, wrong in several ways, but he's a grown man (even if he is still under the full control of his birth family) and there is nothing anyone can do unless / until he begins to break free.

Thinking of you and your darling son.

I'm very sorry for your DH as he is clearly struggling here, knows there's a problem but still can't see the solution, obvious though it is from the outside. By the time he's worked it out - assuming he does, instead of finding the whole thing too painful and sticking his head back in the sand - it will almost certainly be too late for his family unit. This is totally not your fault and you have to do what you must for yourself and son. Being sorry for somebody is a really lousy basis for a long term relationship.

Agree it sounds awfully like an addiction. Have you used the word to him? He's rushing back to the familiar, even knowing as he does that the familiar is deeply unhealthy. Cold turkey is the best approach!

Thinks (and do feel free to ignore if I'm way off the mark or have missed something crucial) - reading back about when FIL helped you move in, your H has got to the point where he can admit the family dynamic is toxic, he may even have accepted that his mother is toxic too, but the thing that's stopping him may be that his father continues to put up with it. If he breaks away from that he's admitting his father is a weak man who lives with toxicity, and even serves it up onto others, for a quiet life. I think some people would rather think of their idols as evil than as weak. I many be barkin', but in any case no doubt he would be exploring all this with his counsellor. (If it were my H I would put it to him that his father may have been too honourable/takes his marriage vows too seriously to break away. An implication in there that if H wants to follow in father's footsteps he too should take his marriage vows seriously and put his wife first. Not father's wife, his own!)

Interesting idea Anniegetyourgun. Might look at that. In the meantime, I shall cuddle DS as he is full of the cold. Not a pretty sight!

Try sending him to www.lightshouse.org

Unless you dh has an epiphany and realizes his mum is toxic and dad is an enabler then you will be struggling against the tide. This is all he has ever known so is 'normal' for him.

I don't believe for one moment your fil didn't have fun with you on moving day. The mil was jealous so rewrote history to suit her.

I'm afraid your dh needs to see this by himself. He does have the fear, obligation and guilt. It's so deeply engrained its hard to get out of. But not impossible.

Maybe counselling for him with someone experienced in toxic parents?

anniegetyourgun you were bang on the money.
divinity thanks for the web link. I have visited and it is enlightening although I misunderstood one of the characteristics. I thought hoovering actually meant hoovering which I like to do. It was reference to sucking people into situations. Phew!
When DH is more receptive I will show him the site and he can have look if he wants to.
Love and strength to you all. X

OP I could have written this thread. I am almost in exactly the same situation. When DH and I met Fil and I got on really well and sil didn't like it. To cut a very long story short mil sided with sil and now none of them speak to me or acknowledge my existence! Sil hasn't even met our 8 month old dd. I went out of my way to be nice to these people but everything has been thrown back in my face. Mil and sil are toxic and, as someone up thread said, fil is an enabler and basically 'tows the family line.' It is very sad. They live just up the road from us but have not seen their grandchildren for months, apparently they have had to choose between their own daughter (in her 40s) and their grandchildren. They chose their daughter. DH on the other hand refuses to go no contact, in spite of all the lies and bad feeling. It seems that he too would rather lose me and our 4 children than his parents and sister. We argue about his family on an almost daily basis. I don't know what is wrong with him In hindsight I should not have got involved with him/his family in the first place but I did and I will be paying for that until they are dead.

Oh yes and one of the reasons that he won't go no contact is because fil says things like 'we are not getting any younger' if DH doesn't phone them every couple of days, so he is terrified that something will happen to one of them and he will be left feeling guilty for not phoning every couple of days. Emotional blackmail of the highest order!

theressomethingaboutdairy that is scarily similar. DH is worried about the age of his folks and his sister is a carbon of his mother. Jeezo. Throw a stick and you'll hit ten of us. Best wishes to you and yours :-)

Wow everything rings so true with me. Hope you are well Mrs and have some closure xx