In laws are malicious, I am now leaving marriage

[mrsrfw]

Hi,
I am married to a wonderful man. He is kind, a gent and loves me and our 9 month old ds to bits.
Sadly, his family are malicious, abusive and just downright nasty. I have known them just four years and in that time there has been hate mail, screaming phone calls, arguments which leave hubby in bits, threats to not attend the wedding, emotional blackmail regarding husband's father's health (works every time on husband, just vile), invites to the family home without me, christmas cards without my name, demands to choose between them and me and so on. None of this is an exaggeration, I don't do drama.
I am now planning to move out as husband is still in contact with them, goes over to help them with things and acts as if nothing has ever happened. There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.
My breaking point was this weekend when he brought home cards from them. A massive 8 page effort for our ds and, shock, a card for US. I realised that I was still massively unhappy with this as there has been no apology, no acknowledgement for the way they have behaved and I am very very hurt.
I feel my only option is to leave the relationship as this will be the way things are for the rest of our lives. They will do something, he and I will be hurt, he will go back to them as if everything is ok while I go quietly nuts.
My husband is perhaps too good for his own good and they know he will always cave in and help them out. I feel sick. This is not what I want for my son.

Can anyone offer any advice on anything? I just want my family and to feel safe. we tried boundaries but that did not work.

I wish I wasn't typing this.

Yours,
MrsRFW

I still remain confused by this: You first post at 15.27, saying you're married to a wonderful man who loves you and your 9mth old ds then at 22.33 (just 7 hours later) it's all over??

Instead of mediation with the parents, why don't you a your H have some counselling sessions together?

There is a problem in your marriage, caused by his relationship with his toxic parents and their mistreatment of you and his inability to defend you and stand up to them. A good counsellor, maybe cbt, could help you both to sort this out, and provide you with strategies and a plan of action. He sounds ill equipped to deal with this on his own; his parents' toxicity goes so far he is losing his wife over it. He needs professional help to truly see what has happened.

And you need help to get him to understand what's been going on. Must be worth a try if you love him.

Hi mrs
How are you doing this afternoon?

Does your "d"h see himself as a bit of a victim?

Because, he's not.

They break him, you put him back together again. They treat you like shit, he still panders to them.

I wouldn't be so sure that this man cares about you. I'm sorry

I think he is a victim. He is their victim. So much so, he seems paralysed by it. Is he a good husband in other ways?

Oh love xxx
There's so many similarities it's unbelievable. I've stuck with mine, everytime I find out about the contact it's like another kick in the teeth. It's a raging ball of distruction and I have no doubt it will finish us
I wished id done it before lo started school so I could move to my support without upsetting schools. The other day I was due to see them and stood in the road hoping to get hit so I didn't have to!

So what I am trying to say is that it wouldn't get better without him making it better, if he's not prepared to fight for you both than you've done the right thing. Hang on in there, let him know your serious and ultimately what he's losing

Sorry for you Mrs, but I think you are doing the right thing.

What a sad idiot your husband is.

Hi Fluffaduck.
I'm ok, just very tired. Grateful for the alternative points of view out there. It really makes me think.

He will never stop seeing them. He was living with them unt he was 35 which may give an insight. He was in the process of leaving them when we met. His mother was furious that he has bought his own place.

You're never going to "win" this one I'm afraid.....

This family dynamic will not change. Either you "put up and shut up" or follow your own path in life.

Do you really want to be tied to this toxic family for life?

I am not surprised your tired mrs this is a massive emotional strain on you plus 9 month old babies can be lively.
Are still in the family home mrs?
Is there anywhere you could go with DC just for a few days break?

I am sure you will do the right thing mrs its just those first few steps in the right direction that are the hardest. Not strictly allowed on MN but ((hugs))

I was once given the advice "don't let them win"
Should life really be a battle like that?

Are you out of your mind?

If it is over - then get the chuff out of there. Leave and move back ner your family.

Why would you stay near? If your PIL have destroyed your marriage - why would you stay?

Get another job, make new friends. Be near your family.

Your being awfully nice about all this.

I think Im more angry about this than you are.

Get angry and get out.

Or stay and fight properly.

Get hold of your hub, your son and get as far away from them as possible.

If your husband can be controlled by his mother then you should have a go too (who cares if you have to manipulate - just this once) and make a change on his behalf that will only benefit him. You are fighting for your family.

Move. Invite hub and if he doesn't come then its his loss.

I speak from experience here. I know my stuff on MIL and Im 3 years ahead of you.

OP I think you should report your latest post and as for your DS's name to be removed.

I'm so tired I can barely think. DC is a good natured wee chap but awful at sleeping through.
Actually, a few days away sounds like a good idea. I might look into that.
This has helped so much. Not only can I see other points of view but I can look at myself and I am realising how much I have been putting up with. Not fun, no matter how much you love someone.
It can be so draining helping someone that you don't realise you are enabling them to continue being a victim.
Going to fall into a cup of tea :-)

Ooohhh err Mrs don't drowned in ya cuppa!!!
A few days away may just help you clear your head and maybe help DH think clearer too xx

I can relate to this so much. My H has a toxic family too, we have been together for almost 4 years and married for 1. I have never even met them but they have had a problem with me from the start and have wanted nothing to do with me. They even tried threatening him to break up with me or they would cut off contact (as a result he pretended to them for a very long time that he had broken up with me, which I didn't know about, and he only admitted the truth to them after we were married).

I have absolutely nothing to do with them, and he goes to visit them on his own once every few months. He recognises they are toxic, and has even said that when we have children he doesn't want them to have any contact as he doesn't want their toxic influence in his children's lives. However he still can't seem to bring himself to cut contact - I think ultimately he has had a highly toxic, disordered childhood and still just desperately wants their love and approval. I can imagine your husband feels the same way.

Fortunately for me they don't affect our relationship as I have no contact with them and there are clear boundaries in place, however I can imagine how horrendous it must have been for you. Like someone else said, he took a vow to forsake all others and if he can't put you first even when he is at risk of losing you completely then you deserve far better.

Hi all,
Thanks for your posts, I am sorry I have not responded to everyone. All posts have been read many times and mean the world. From the gentle advice to the blunt pointing out the obvious, all of them were what I needed to read as I was in a good bit of denial.

LuciusMalfoyIsSmokingHot, AngelaDaviesHair, bleedingheart, WalterMittyMissus you rightly point out the desire to avoid conflict. DH does not want any more conflict with his parents and sister. AttilaThe Meerkat captured this brilliantly with FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, is a great description. It's true and I thought I could deal with that if I just pretended they did not exist.

I do not feel part of a strong team on this issue. We are good in other places however this is a significant place where we are not a team and we need to be. Thank you LadyFlower for helping me articulate this.

DH's conditioning runs very deep, about 34 years deep. This family have many fears of the outside world which I had thought would gradually ease away. I was very sympathetic in the early days (without meaning to be patronising). When I was on the receiving end of their 'fear' I saw that it was just hate and anger, no fear anywhere.

DH's father helped him move into DH's house. I was there too. It was amazing. His father refused to let me carry anything, this was out of gentlemanly behaviour. I decided that, darn it, I was going to carry something, I carried the mattress out of the van and up the stairs. I'm tiny but strong. That changed everything. DH's father was impressed and actually found it funny, laughing with not at. That broke the ice and we had an amazing day together. FiL chatted to DH all the way home about me carrying the mattress and playfully warned him that I might pick him up too. This joviality carried on when DH dropped FiL at the family home. MiL was not impressed. The next we heard from them, MiL said the FiL had faked being happy, faked all the jokes and had found the day stressful. I am very sure she is lying. FiL was basically told to tow the party line.

Damnautocorrect and iLoveMyElectricBlanket I'm shocked at how many of us there are. Really hope this works out for you. Thank you for the warnings.

AlphaBook Really???? He told his folks you broke up??? That's gobsmacking.

Fluffaduck and many others, thanks for the hugs. Really, thank you for the hugs, capuccinos, cakes and shouts of encouragement. I feel, for the first time in ages, supported, heard and understood. Nobody here has pandered, it has all been straight-talking and a great way to make me think.

Aujourdui Things moved very quickly. Between first post and break up post, DH had received a reply from his family regarding whether or not they would apologise and change. They said no and that they did not want to dredge up the past. They would understand if he didn't visit them again in order to save the marriage. Unreal. They don't give a poop about their son at all.

If I have missed your name out, please do not be offended. Every word on this thread has been read and appreciated.

At this point, I am booked in for a counselling session where I am going to discuss a few ideas and be sure of my next steps, whatever they may be.

My advice to anyone who might be getting involved with a family like this, don't. I did not enter this thinking I could fix it, I thought I could live with it. I can't. I thought DH would sort it, he didn't/couldn't and that is where the problem lies. I was in a previous relationship where the mother was difficult towards me. I left as my OH did not see the problem. Best thing I did before things became serious. I thought that as DH did know what MiL was like, everything would be ok.

Instead of reading the book on Toxic Parents, I might write the next one.

The next we heard from them, MiL said the FiL had faked being happy, faked all the jokes and had found the day stressful. I am very sure she is lying. FiL was basically told to tow the party line.

Sounds like yr FIL is being emotionally abused by his wife.

As well as the fact that she is doing the same to the rest of you.
Yr DH should be putting you and DC first YOU are his family.

I have known a family like this, mercifully briefly. Nice man, nice children, in some weird thrall to a very very strange, controlling and it seemed to me, delusional woman. It was their very niceness that trapped them in a way-they knew the mother was odd, probably severely ill, and so they protected her and obeyed her at massive cost to themselves. It was very sad.

But OP, you can't overturn years of conditioning like that all by yourself, and realistically once you become the focus of the mother's anger, there is nothing you can do to stop that. So do what is most likely to give you and your son a happy, stable life. If that means leaving, so be it. Don't feel remotely guilty.

Hi mrs.
I am pleased you seem to have a path to go down now. Your post reads as quite positive. Please pop back from time to time and let us know how you are getting on. xx

I'm pleased to hear about the counselling, Mrs.

And it's a breath of fresh air to see someone say that, actually no, they won't just put up with shit treatment.

Tell me; does your husband seem to even care that he's losing you and his dc?

I think in the future when his parents are no longer around your DH. will regret what he has done in not standing up for you. Unfortunately it will be too late

Do you think that possibly your dh really hasn't taken on board that he could lose you and his child. Does he think you are just blowing hot air and things will carry on as usual.

Hi Mrs. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I just wanted to make a tiny point. It's probably not of any practical help, but I hope you don't mind me saying it.

You say that you initially thought that your ILs' behaviour was the result of fear of the outside world, but you later realized that it was borne of anger and hate. But the thing is, anger/hate are often a thin mask for fear/insecurity. The two are really not that far apart. If they were secure and content in their isolation, they wouldn't 'need' to attack you.

Wishing you strength and confidence and success for the months ahead.