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Original poster

In laws are malicious, I am now leaving marriage

112 replies

mrsrfw · 03/12/2013 15:27

Hi,
I am married to a wonderful man. He is kind, a gent and loves me and our 9 month old ds to bits.
Sadly, his family are malicious, abusive and just downright nasty. I have known them just four years and in that time there has been hate mail, screaming phone calls, arguments which leave hubby in bits, threats to not attend the wedding, emotional blackmail regarding husband's father's health (works every time on husband, just vile), invites to the family home without me, christmas cards without my name, demands to choose between them and me and so on. None of this is an exaggeration, I don't do drama.
I am now planning to move out as husband is still in contact with them, goes over to help them with things and acts as if nothing has ever happened. There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.
My breaking point was this weekend when he brought home cards from them. A massive 8 page effort for our ds and, shock, a card for US. I realised that I was still massively unhappy with this as there has been no apology, no acknowledgement for the way they have behaved and I am very very hurt.
I feel my only option is to leave the relationship as this will be the way things are for the rest of our lives. They will do something, he and I will be hurt, he will go back to them as if everything is ok while I go quietly nuts.
My husband is perhaps too good for his own good and they know he will always cave in and help them out. I feel sick. This is not what I want for my son.

Can anyone offer any advice on anything? I just want my family and to feel safe. we tried boundaries but that did not work.

I wish I wasn't typing this.

Yours,
MrsRFW

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/12/2013 23:33

You might want to ask the MNHQ to remove your H's name from your post. And the one below, where someone repeated it.

waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 08:09

Shit I think it was me who repeated it!!

Sorry, I wasn't thinking!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 04/12/2013 08:16

What awful people, they've made him choose between his wife and child or them. He's just as bad for choosing them.

livingzuid · 04/12/2013 08:17

Very sorry op :( he should not put his mother over wife and child. He doesn't sound that great to me. You and dd deserve more than a life like that. Hope you are OK this morning.

bluebell234 · 04/12/2013 08:51

fluffaduck's advice is good, too.
do you have your own family around? can they be by your side and talk to them?
or you talk them yourself? I know it wont be easy but you will be able to pour out your feelings.
how about relate counsellor?

Original poster
mrsrfw · 04/12/2013 10:39

Morning all. WalterMittyMissus, don't worry about it :-) I doubt anyone will know who we are but thanks.
Had more talk this morning, he has more readily accepted his family's unwillingness to change than my willingness to leave.
He wants me to stay and try mediation but truthfully I do not think this will help. I have tried coping with them and I clearly can't.
He will continue to see his family, they will continue to behave the way they do.
My family are 500 miles away so it's just me and little one. They are sad and supportive.
I'm disappointed that he didn't ever tell his family that what they were doing was unacceptable. It was allowed to fester. I'm not even allowed in their house. By now you must be thinking that I must have done something to cause this. Nope. Not a thing. I dated their son, they didn't like that. They have never supported him dating anyone. You could ask him and you would have the same answer that I have provided. They are insular people who I thought would mellow and learn to trust the world. I was wrong.
He would prefer to try and change my mind than accept the situation and leave his family. I did think about suggesting moving away together however his job and friends are here plus that would be very mean of me.
I will do the best I can for little one. He will not be in contact with his family. This has been agreed already.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 10:44

I just cannot believe he is unwilling to make more of a sacrifice to save your marriage!

Mediation? Between whom? His family and you?

Does he not see how fundamentally wrong it is to require mediation between your parents and your wife??

IamGluezilla · 04/12/2013 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetoask · 04/12/2013 10:47

How awful. I am so sorry that despite both of you being happy together you are splitting up because of his family.
He should know that you and your child ARE his family.
I really really hope he wakes up and realises what he is losing.
What a domineering family.

DistanceCall · 04/12/2013 10:48

You say he could not live if anything happened to his family. Have you asked him if he could live if anything happened to you or your child?

Because you have your answer there.

That said, wouldn't it be possible if he saw his family as much as he liked but left you out of it?

Meerka · 04/12/2013 10:51

I am so sorry his decision went this way. Clearly you love him, and he is a nice if not very strong man. A person has to put their child and partner first, if it comes down to a choice. He has let something go that is irreplaceably precious.

I hope that the split can be amicable and that you and your son will weather the change well. Keep in mind that, appalling as they are, your son is best well away from them.

Flowers and all the best. strength to you.

ThurlHoHoHow · 04/12/2013 11:03

I'm sorry you've had to make this decision and it has come to this.

All I can is that any man who would rather watch his wife and child walk away than try and sort out this sort of behaviour from his family is not the man you thought he was.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/12/2013 11:05

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. My relative married a man like this-completely dependent on his parents. He chose them over her too. All I can say is that you deserve better, and I hope that like my relative (who is now happily remarried) you find it.

fluffaduck · 04/12/2013 11:06

Hi mrsrfw I know this must be a difficult time for you.
It sounds that all your patience and understanding has run out.
However you say you would feel mean asking him to move away from his family, job and friends yet you are willing to take yourself and your DC out of his life? You also don't think its mean to ask him to choose?

I doubt that he does not acknowledge their behaviour but it is probably more about confronting them. You are asking him to stand up to his entire family. I know this is what he "should" do as you and DC are his family now but that does not mean he is no longer allowed to care about his parents and siblings.
I would try anything to keep my family together including mediation if they meant that much to me. I would also suggest moving away as I would give DH every opportunity to have both us and his parents in his life with enough distance between us that I was no longer involved.

You may not love/like his family but they are his family and you need to understand how it would feel should he ask you to choose between him, your child and your family.
His family brought him up, clothed him, loved him, fed him and looked after him. Just as you will do for your DC. Your hatred for them and theirs for you will not erase that fact.

Are you leaving just because of his family or is there something else?
Do you resent his close relationship with is family because yours is so far away?
Can you have the conversation with your DC in the future as to why they don't live with daddy? And explain to him you left because daddy didn't choose you and DC over his mummy & daddy? It would be like asking DC to choose his wife and child over his mummy and daddy.

I am in no way trying to defend you DH or his family nor am I saying your decision is wrong. I am just hoping you have thought everything through as no matter what decision you make there will be a long and difficult path at sometime in the future which you will have to be prepared to walk down.

Take Care.

LisaMed · 04/12/2013 11:08

If you get married in church there is the phrase 'forsaking all other'. IMO that doesn't just mean no sex outside marriage, it means that you put your own new family above anything else. I think it ought to be more generally observed

bleedingheart · 04/12/2013 11:11

This is so sad.

I hope you and your little one have a lovely life and that your H realises what he's lost and gets some help to process the terrible relationship he has with his parents and the damage they've done.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 04/12/2013 11:11

However you say you would feel mean asking him to move away from his family, job and friends yet you are willing to take yourself and your DC out of his life? You also don't think its mean to ask him to choose?

She hasnt removed herself and her DS, hes let them go, by allowing his shitty family to repeatedly treat her like shit, who wants to stay with a man who pushes you to one corner and panders to his parents in another.

He could have prevented this by telling his family that their actions are vile and he wont talk to them until they apologise to her, but he chooses not too because his fear of upsetting his parents is greater than the love for his wife and son.

Hes letting them go, he loses, OP atleast maintains her sanity.

fluffaduck · 04/12/2013 11:20

My point Lucius was that I think it is less mean to ask DH to move away so they can continue their relationship and he can have a long distance one with his family than asking him to choose or cause conflict, which it appears her DH is unable to deal with.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 04/12/2013 11:27

Its unlikely that he would move, if hes afraid of upsetting then, which it sounds like it would.

OP is limited for options.

Meerka · 04/12/2013 11:27

fluffa I doubt very much indeed the OP reached this decision lightly. It sounds like you think she should stay or that she has just jumped to this conclusion. But she's given it four years of what sounds like ... well, she called her in laws malicious. That's a very strong word and when you're dealing with malicious people, you are on a looser. You can never win, until you either walk away or are completely powerless. Which they are not, here; they control completely her husband. And he cannot break free.

Sometimes things come down to a choice between knuckling under and becomign dominated by a poisonous tribe (including watching your children poisoned and grow up damaged and damaging) or walking away.

No sensible person takes this decision lightly and mrsrfw does not seem foolish.

And you're quite right. It's exactly like asking DC to choose his wife and child over his family. and sometimes, sadly, that is necessary.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 04/12/2013 11:28

From the sounds of it, he wants OP to just accept their shitty treatment, just so he can avoid the conflict, OP shouldnt have too.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/12/2013 11:34

Yes, OP's husband doesn't sound as though he is saying that his parents are in the right. He seems to accept that their behaviour is wrong, but he still thinks the OP should tolerate it silently so he doesn't have to deal with his parents' anger.

bleedingheart · 04/12/2013 11:35

Yes ^^ he certainly seems to want her to just suck it up, rather than actually sort it out.

waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 11:40

This is a very selfish man.

He acknowledges there's a problem but wants to do sweet fuck all about it because he doesn't want to rock the boat FOR HIMSELF.

Meanwhile, he will sacrifice his marriage and living with his own dc?

fluffaduck · 04/12/2013 11:43

Lucius I am not saying she should except theirs or his behaviour nor have I said that in any of my posts.
I have given advice and what I would do in the same situation and the different things I would do. That's all.

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