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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In laws are malicious, I am now leaving marriage

112 replies

mrsrfw · 03/12/2013 15:27

Hi,
I am married to a wonderful man. He is kind, a gent and loves me and our 9 month old ds to bits.
Sadly, his family are malicious, abusive and just downright nasty. I have known them just four years and in that time there has been hate mail, screaming phone calls, arguments which leave hubby in bits, threats to not attend the wedding, emotional blackmail regarding husband's father's health (works every time on husband, just vile), invites to the family home without me, christmas cards without my name, demands to choose between them and me and so on. None of this is an exaggeration, I don't do drama.
I am now planning to move out as husband is still in contact with them, goes over to help them with things and acts as if nothing has ever happened. There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.
My breaking point was this weekend when he brought home cards from them. A massive 8 page effort for our ds and, shock, a card for US. I realised that I was still massively unhappy with this as there has been no apology, no acknowledgement for the way they have behaved and I am very very hurt.
I feel my only option is to leave the relationship as this will be the way things are for the rest of our lives. They will do something, he and I will be hurt, he will go back to them as if everything is ok while I go quietly nuts.
My husband is perhaps too good for his own good and they know he will always cave in and help them out. I feel sick. This is not what I want for my son.

Can anyone offer any advice on anything? I just want my family and to feel safe. we tried boundaries but that did not work.

I wish I wasn't typing this.

Yours,
MrsRFW

OP posts:

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 04/12/2013 11:45

I suppose it is down to who he thinks more of and you have his answer. He thinks more of his parents over you and his son.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 04/12/2013 12:29

The parents sound uber-toxic. I suspect the OPs husband has been so thoroughly brainwashed/indoctrinated over the years that he doesn't even know what the right thing to do is.

OP is there any chance the pair of you could try couples counselling?

Original poster

mrsrfw · 04/12/2013 12:32

Hi all,
Thank you for your honesty and straight talking. Fluffaduck, thanks for your reply. We did suggest mediation a couple of years ago but the offer was declined. It's just not something they do.
Hub's upbringing was 'ok' but there are a few things in there which rang alarm bells for me. Mil has been a controlling influence on both him and his father. His sister is the golden child.
It's ok, I don't resent his relationship with his folks due to my family being so far away. I've moved a lot and we all get on really well. I think we're quite adaptable and we see each other a few times a year so no worries there but a fair question.
The mind of mil is a bit different I think. For someone supposedly so refined, the hate mail was particularly vile and vulgar. There were graphic descriptions of tough times in Hub's life when he was very vulnerable. This particular letter was wAiting for us when we came home after getting engaged. It was six pages of hate, not fear of change, total hate. Traditionally, an engagement card is expected at these times. I nearly called everything off then. Thanks to some supportive friends, we did tie the knot. Suffice to say the inlaws were active in the lead up to and during the wedding.
My own mother has suggested creating a type of treaty, setting out acceptable behaviour for both of us e.g. How long Hub can see his father for. I'll try writing it and see how I get on.
I just want a normal, calm and happy life with my family. That's all. I don't want drama or aggressive people who are indulged.
I added up costs of living on my own. It's not pretty but I am still serious about it.
Thanks as always. I really do wish I had come here sooner. You are all very kind and giving people who have a gift for hitting the nail on the head and saying it like it is. Thanks :-)

OP posts:

fluffaduck · 04/12/2013 12:42

Hi mrs
I hope you can work something out and it does sound like you have tried and being very understanding of his family dynamics and their abusive behaviour. I also think his family would be easier to cope with if you felt your DH supported you and had your back as it were. I do not doubt you have thought long and hard about your choices and although it is hard you at least know you tried everything. I wish you well for the future mrs and take care of yourself.

Original poster

mrsrfw · 04/12/2013 12:44

Cheers :-) x

OP posts:

Noctilucent · 04/12/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbeynationall · 04/12/2013 13:57

Have nothing to do with them but don't stop your dh from seeing his family.

neolara · 04/12/2013 13:59

Would it be worth trying to arrange some kind of of relationship counselling between you and your DH? Do you think a neutral person listening to issues would make him realise quite how bonkers his parents are? It sounds like you feel have something that could be really good together if it wasn't for this one, massive issue.

Nerfmother · 04/12/2013 14:01

Leaving him has implications though. Your child will be with the inlaws and if they are that bad, subject to negativity about you. How are you planning on handling this, because there is no way, if you spilt, that he will never allow his parents access to their gs.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 04/12/2013 14:01

mrsrfw sorry it's come to this. Your husband must be more selfish than you think if he is willing to sacrifice his marriage to you than stand up to his parents. I'm sorry for you, but you will be happier away from their toxic influence, and it just might be the wake up call your DH needs to cut the apron strings and lead his own life. It might not be, but either way you will save yourself the heartache you've been experiencing for the past 4 years.

Are you going to move closer to your own family so you have more of a support network?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2013 14:07

Mrsrfw,

re your comment:-
"My own mother has suggested creating a type of treaty, setting out acceptable behaviour for both of us e.g. How long Hub can see his father for. I'll try writing it and see how I get on".

No please do not waste your time on doing any such thing; it simply will not work because they will also use this against you as well. You cannot do any sort of reasoned argument against unreasonable personality disordered people like his parents. Your mother does not fully understand that you are really dealing with toxic people who are basically unstable and just want their own way solely. The rule book on dealing with familial relations goes out the window when it comes to toxic families like your H's. Emotionally healthy people too simply do not descend to the levels that his parents have done.

Re this comment:-
"I just want a normal, calm and happy life with my family. That's all. I don't want drama or aggressive people who are indulged".

It won't happen so long as his parents are at all in the picture. You will need to go completely no contact with them; its the only way forward for you personally now. These disordered people like his parents feed actively off any form of communique you give them; you need to detach completely from them as of now.

Your H is deeply mired in FOG with regards to his parents; fear, obligation and guilt. Its so bad that your H would rather lose you and his child over them.

His whole upbringing as well was completely dysfunctional btw, none of it was right. All that you write about his mother shows her to be likely narcissistic in terms of personality; these types always but always need a willing enabler to help them and she found that in her own H.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2013 14:10

BTW his parents will likely be cock a hoop if you and their darling boy were to separate; this is perhaps also what they want.

Your H is also very much a part of the problem because his primary loyalty should be to you; its not just his parents who are at fault here.

waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 14:29

I really don't think any sort of treaty will work with these people.

Besides, why should you? You have put up with more than anyone should have to. And he's let you because it makes his life easier.

Now, it's come to the crunch and he'd rather wave you and his ds off than stand up to his family?

You don't deserve that, you've done nothing wrong.

And HE sure as shit doesn't deserve you! Please don't allow yourself to be the doormat for these people any longer. It's not fair on you or your ds.

PS You've said that he's agreed to keep your ds away from them? Why has he agreed to that?!

fiftyandfab · 04/12/2013 15:06

Just a thought...are there inheritance issues here? That he'll be excluded from unless he bows to their will (will as in influence, not probate)?

fiftyandfab · 04/12/2013 15:13

Sorry, posted too early...my MIL was quite similar to this, invites excluding me etc. Fortunately DH always backed me up and when she told him he wouldn't get "a blade of grass" on their demise, he happily told her she could shove it (sorry, that won't help you OP, I just wanted to illustrate that toxic inlaws can be stood up to).

LemonBreeland · 04/12/2013 15:26

I agree don't waste your time on writing a treaty. They will not be interested.

How can he have allowed you to be treated like shit for 4 years? And not be welcome in their house.

It is pathetic that even the threat of losing his wife and son is not enough to make him grow some ball and deal with the situation.

Show him that you are serious and go.

aujordoui · 04/12/2013 15:33

Confused. You first post at 15.27, saying you're married to a wonderful man who loves you and your 9mth old ds then at 22.33 (just 7 hours later) it's all over??

JeanSeberg · 04/12/2013 15:41

Too much emphasis here on the in-laws and not enough on the husband's role in all this. Although I suspect 'twas ever thus.

Cerisier · 04/12/2013 15:58

He would rather let his wife and son leave than upset his parents?

Why can't he look for a new job elsewhere, anywhere and move away with you both?

He isn't a nice man, he is a spineless coward.

BlingBang · 04/12/2013 16:06

Why don't you and your son go non contact. Save yourself the stress and grief of dealing with them. You never have to see or talk to them again, don't bother with treaties or mediation. Tell your husband you don't want to hear anything of them or discuss them. Then if he wants to see them now and then it's got nothing to do with you.

aujordoui · 04/12/2013 16:08

Why should he have no contact with his son, she's stated what a lovely dad he is. Why does it have to go to that extreme??

Meerka · 04/12/2013 16:24

That would be an extreme and sad measure.

it would depend on how far her husband allows his parents to be involved in the child's life really - and how far she can keep the child out of hteir hands.

But that really is to be decided later, right now she just needs to get through each day at a time

Original poster

mrsrfw · 04/12/2013 16:32

Hi all,
Thank you for your responses.
I think I had forgotten that their personality type is narcissistic. I've even said that it is not possible to reason with people who lack the ability.
I intend to stay in the area as the school here is good although DS is a few years away from that stage. I also have a job here which helps and a few good mum chums.
Hub has agreed not to let his parents near DS, presumably because he knows they are harmful. Ironic that he knows but won't leave them himself. Is this like an addiction?

OP posts:

QueenQueenie · 04/12/2013 16:39

Apologies if I've missed the point op.
I understand that your in laws are rude and impossible and completely see that you want nothing more to do with them EVER. But why does that mean your dh can't continue his relationship with them, particularly if, as I understand it he is accepting of the in laws not having contact with your ds? Is it not possible for you each to have your own positions re wanting a relationship with them but continue your own relationship? Why not? Are you saying that unless he agrees to have no more contact with them himself you and he are finished?
Agree completely that his loyalty should be to you and ds as his primary family now... but it was clear that these people were completely toxic before you married. Trying to make him choose between you and them (if that's what you're saying) was always going to be a hiding to nothing. They had 35 years before you met to do a complete number on him...

JeanSeberg · 04/12/2013 16:44

Now you've just mentioned your son's name as well as 'Hubs'...

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