Thoughts needed on this comment, please, sensitive issue.

[shipherlady]

Please do not read on if you're sensitive to comments regarding rape, I do not wish to upset anybody, just need impartial advice.

Anyway, dh and I having discussion about women's roles, basically, he held the view that if a 'woman does not pull her weight' financially, men have the right to rape them and do what they want in the bedroom. We were having a massive argument at the time, and he is at pains to say that this is what happened in the past ( I question this) and he has no desire to do this at all, but that is 'how it was' in the past when men earned all the money.
OK, now logically, I should be OK with his 'impartial' assessment of the past -even though I disagree with it-however, it's made me feel uncomfortable.
What do you think?

"do what I want to you"

still fuming on your behalf.

So sorry, but this would be a major disappointment if a partner said it to me.
He should know the consequences of any further comments like this.

I'm astounded that it even crossed his mind.

Are you a SAHM?

I'd be getting a job asap.

Lweji, get a job so that there's no justification in his reasoning? Or get a job so I can get out of the marriage?

Get a job so you are not financially dependent on this horrible woman hater.

OK, I get the reasoning for getting a job so I'm not financially dependent on him-don't get me wrong it's the right thing to do. But if he is a horrible woman hater, why would I stay regardless of financial circumstances?

Getting a job has no bearing on whether you leave or not.

You can get one and stay, or get one and leave, or get one and then decide what works.

Whatever you do, it's a reasonable next step.

"But if he is a horrible woman hater, why would I stay regardless of financial circumstances?"

You don't stay, shipher, you get out - at this point only you know whether he has outed himself as a woman hater or not, but by getting a job you make sure that you are ready to cut and run

I think bad men may have done this, and maybe still do. The BAD ones.

But thankfully there have been decent men as well, throughout history.

I am sure there was never a time when all men were evil rapists.

For him to argue that…seems odd and a bit creepy.

In his view, what has stopped all men being evil rapists?

Well what has stopped this, in his view, is that women now earn as much as men.

I think this is bullshit myself as a close relative of mine worked all her life-indeed, the mortgage was in HER name only, and was the breadwinner in terms of earning more than her dh, yet her dh was still an entitled bastard.

He's talking out of his ass, isn't he?

I'm no expert but I would think violence towards women is lower (and certainly not stopped) because more women are able to leave an abusive relationship if they choose to do so (and some don't for many reasons) and not because more women work and they are able to pay their monetary share.

Is there a back story here? Is he feeling put out at work? Got a woman boss he loathes? And is just spouting bile at you?

He's talking out of his very nasty, repugnant arse. I honestly feel ill.

Sorry for the terrible punctuation, fighting a hungry toddler!

Is this the only thing he's ever said that has made you feel "off"?

When was this argument and how have you been with each other since?

Because society is -rightly- more tolerant of divorce these days, perhaps? Must have been hell to be trapped in abusive relationships in the past.

See, I'm worried because my gut tells me that he is working up to something and justifying it in his head because I've only got a part-time job and he earns much more than me.

You know, like, 'Well I raped you but, hey, if you earned more, it wouldn't have happened'.

It's such depressing bullshit; it really is.

OP your worrying me, what the hell do you think he could be working up to? Is this about roles in the house I wonder. I assume from your comment he thinks as he bread winner he should be getting more cooperation in the house, more sex I assume.

If you seriously think he could do something like that, then it's game over surely. At some level it sounds like this is not a complete bombshell to you. Is there other stuff? Not necessarily abuse, but disregarding your feelings, misogynistic comments etc that are giving you the gut feeling?

He's always played down my feelings about things but always in a joking way. I don't feel in any immediate physical danger, I admit, but I'm still trying to process this comment of his.

We have spoken and I am being unreasonable because he was only saying what happened before. Doesn't acknowledge why having a husband who shouts this sort of thing at you is upsetting.

Can you go and stay somewhere else tonight, if only to make the point to him that you are now afraid of what he might do. He can maybe do some work on this and regain your trust but it isn't an automatic thing.

surely there must be more to this. To be that unsettled by one comment, however horrible that comment, to the point that you could be persuaded to leave just seems totally out of proportion. and tbh think the cries of needing financial independence to get out etc are a bit OTT based on one comment.

But your talk of building up to something etc seems to imply there's more which you haven't disclosed on this thread. Do you often argue about money? what form do these arguments take, etc? You say he's not sexually abusive, is he sexual in other ways e.g. does he have a high sex drive/wants more than you do/ever want things you're not comfortable with?

What was the argument about exactly? That you don't earn enough?

By bringing up the topic of rape during an argument involving shouting, he meant to intimidate you. There is just no other reason to casually drop it into an argument.

To me this would also indicate that he sees relationships as trade offs where men buy sex from women.

yes, he's talking out of his arse.

its worrying that you feel he might be working up to something. On the other hand, while a damn nasty comment, maybe a sense of proportion is needed.

have there been otehr indications, perhaps of a very different nature, that something is wrong? do you usualy get on very well? having your feelings minimized is not terribly pleasant, mind you.

seems to me that something is going on under the surface here, though maybe im reading too much into it.

Both, so that you can feel you can leave and that he doesn't feel he can say he can just take you upstairs.

If you feel you should leave him, I'd agree with that assessment. I didn't feel you were at that stage, but it seems that there's a lot more going on and yes, I don't think you should stay with a man who says such things. He may well act on them at some point.