Friendships...?

[LiamsMum]

Hi everyone
Does anyone else find that people are so unreliable these days?? I just wanted to get a few other perspectives on this. I have some female friends who I've known for a long time, but it so hard to rely on them anymore. One of them always insists that I come and visit her at her house about twice a month, but many times when we arrange for her to come to my house, she cancels at the last minute. Some of the excuses she gives me are laughable - she did it to me again yesterday and I felt really hurt. And yet she phones me almost every week and it's usually her that suggests that we get together. I get so tired of her inconsistency, but I've known her for 20 years so I can't really imagine ending the friendship. A couple of my other friends also 'blow hot and cold' - a girlfriend that I've known for 12 years seems to just come in and out of my life. Towards the end of last year, she was phoning me regularly and I was also calling her and sending her emails. Then all of a sudden, I don't hear from her anymore - don't even know where she is. She has done this quite a few times over the years that I have known her. My husband & I have talked about how hard it is to consider people "real friends" these days. It makes me feel so unimportant to be treated this way... does this happen to anyone else? Thanks for listening.

luv ya too rhuby ( unrepentant for the hijack here !!) in a totally lesbian kind of way!
ps. was it me who said about sexy clothes and periods? ( another thread) its amazing what friends remember ! i was prolly drunk.
any hoo haa... on a general note yip friends are hard to find true ones that is , have moved far away as you all know and havent got any yet! ( and am gaggin for a beer at the pub) but must say out of all my life have only had one friend who had given as much and more than she has taken.... i think thats the key!
kiss me rhuby mmmmmmmmmwaaaaaaaaa!!

Love ya Ticklebyday (love the new nickname - rofl) looking forward to Lanzarote mate, karaoke, cocktails and ymca bring it on!!!!

Glitterbabe

Lets book it up next week. Glad you're back from your hols, missed ya.

ABSOLUTELY mate, catch up with you on monday with all the goss.

Ugh! I am not kissing anybody!!! But love you too from a very safe distance Custdie! Cyber hug do you?

tut...suppose!

Thought I'd resurrect this thread to see if anyone has any advice about what I should do. I have (had) a friend who I have known for ten years. She moved out of London to the country 3 years ago and I left my DH shortly after. She offered to have me and ds to stay for a while so we did (in the sticks). After a couple of weeks I wondered about staying here and she encouraged me. I therefore found a flat and moved in. I also met a lovely man who is now my dp.

About 2 years ago she dropped me abruptly with no explanation when I was at one of my lowest points. My ex wasn't speaking to me, I knew no-one else here, my new partner and I weren't getting on, I didn't have any money or a car, was a newly single parent (before moving in with dp) was mildly depressed, anyway, it was a s* time. After a few weeks she did eventually contact me and sort of apologised but without offering any particular explanation for her behaviour, apart from that she was having a strange time herself. By which time I'd gone to some toddler groups and thankfully, met some other mums and made some new friends. So we sort of became friends again although it wasn't ever the same: I knew I couldn't trust her when the chips were down.

Anyway, for the last 5 years she has been having an affair with a married man who has 2 children. She is single and childless. I have never met him but dislike him immensely from everything I've heard (the usual lies - can't leave because of the children etc). 3 months ago she came to dinner and really offended me. I've never agreed with her politics but she really p**d me off with some comments she made that night. She also said she was trying to get pregnant with this man's knowledge and consent, although he has no intention of being around financially or otherwise. I wouldn't do it, but each to their own.

So I decided I don't actually like her very much any more and stopped all contact. She has left messages and I've ignored them, hoping she'll go away. She is now pregnant and has told me by text. I have not responded. But she has some stuff stored at my place and needs to get it so I did respond by text to messages about that. She then texted me to say that she was shocked that I was so angry with her that I hadn't mentioned her pregnancy. Quite frankly I think she's mad and selfish and I have had 5 years of listening to c* about this tosser she's seeing and I don't want to see her again or hear any more about it. I also despise her politics. So far I've ignored this message but will find it difficult if she actually calls me. Thought I might say, look I don't think you'll like what I have to say and I don't want to argue so please don't ask me any more. eeeek! Any other creative ideas? Or am I being incredibly mean? I do think I wasn't getting much out of the friendship towards the end since I did always have to hear about this bloke and always managed to keep my mouth shut about what I thought. There were ways in which she was ok but...I can't be doing with her any more, hence breaking contact. Even if no-one replies to this it's helped to get it off my chest so thanks for listening! This has stressed me a bit today.

www - just a quick note but, I don't think you're being mean. Friendships are no different from other relationships really and you both change and can outgrow them.

You disapprove of her relationship and the seemingly planned pregnancy and her politics so, really, there is not much basis for a friendship. If you really want to explain, maybe put it in an email or letter.

I had a huge row about 18 months ago with a friend of 25 years or so. That was about political differences and reinforced some views she'd expressed a few years earlier. We haven't made up at all and when we have spoken I've found myself feeling just as angry as I did during our row. However, IF she had an email address I am pretty sure I would have contacted her by now and we would have 'discussed' our row/friendship more calmly.

Sorry, this is a bit rambling but I'm about to go to bed. If I think of anything more constructive I'll post it. But, no, you're not mean.

WWW perhaps you could put everything in a letter, telling her why you don't think you can continue the friendship. Maybe you could even mention the fact that she 'dropped' you a couple of years ago without any explanation, and how hurtful you found it. I think that it's much easier to put things down in writing sometimes than trying to have a conversation face-to-face or over the phone - it enables you to put your thoughts down properly and say what you want to say. If she apologises for her behaviour and still wants to be friends, would you be prepared to forgive her? It just depends if you think it would be worth giving it another chance, and whether you can accept what she's like. Otherwise it would be a waste of time trying to continue the friendship and you'll probably have to let her know why. Best of luck.

www, being a bit of a coward, I think I'd just leave things and hope she gets the message but be prepared if she asks why you don't respond (fully) to her messages. I don't think you are being selfish or mean - the whole point of friendships is that both of you get something out of it and, if over time, you find that you are not finding it a positive experience then it is time to move on...

WWW, I can completley understand your anger here and no I don't think you are being mean. It sounds as if she has been using you a bit recently over this baby thing and it seems from what you have said that is expecting you to condone what she has done and give you some support. Perhaps she has some doubts herself.
When she collects her stuff, do you feel that it it would be beneficial to sit down with her and clear the air, not so you can resume the friendship necessarily, but so that you can release your own feelings and get her to understand how you feel. If nothing else it may help to stop any festering feelings on both sides.
Please ignore this if its no help but I am thinking of you and send my best wishes for whatever you decide to do. We all deserve more from our friends and I know how much it hurts when they let you down.
V
xx

Wickedwaterwitch,

If I were you, I'd get your friend to move her things as soon as possible or do as sobernow suggested and take them round. I'd probaly keep things short and sweet - no deep conversation.

Friendships change and this friend is now leaving you feeling drained as well as P you off with her politics. And she's never explained why she dropped you when you were going through a bad patch.

For that alone, I wouldn't feel guilty about ending contact, but I might be tempted to leave things open ended and keep my distance from her for now. 1, because you might bump into her if she lives close to you, so always good to be on civilised terms and 2, because when she's had her baby, she might change a lot. You say her boyfriend will not support her or leave his wife, and, let's be honest, she probably hasn't got the faintest idea of how hard life can be if you're a single mother. Guess who'll be in line to be her new best friend then? You probably won't want to take up the mantle, but possibly, motherhood may make her a bit more fair minded and respectful of you, so she's nicer company again.

If you think you'd like her a bit better if she lost the rosy tinted glasses about her partner, then you could stick around in the background for now. As in I like you but don't like your decision to have this baby.

If, on the other hand, you're positive she will use you rotten whatever happens, then wave adieu now. Once your mind is set that way, it's very easy to see if you are being used, and very easy to forget the friend who does it.

WWW, I think Goldengirl's advice about leaving things open-ended, rather than having a terminal bust-up, might be better than putting anything in writing - you know how rows have flared up on mumsnet over things written down being misinterpreted!

Having a child and experiencing real life, instead of what sounds like the little fantasy she's been in till now, might change her and her views. And you could probably be a better friend to her, when she needs one, even if she doesn't deserve you, than she was to you in your bad patch.

Taking her stuff round to her, and sliding away as fast as you can, and then watching events from a safe distance, would not be mean and would leave you with your options open. Good luck - let us know....!

WWW, you said that when she broke off all contact suddenly you were hurt and upset. So I would say do not break off contact suddenly, do give her an explanation. She sounds very low on self-esteem and is desperately clinging to any kind of love she can have, even if it means opting for second best. She is probably thinking that this child will change her life, she will be loved and will have something to love in return. She obviously knows the score with this guy, that he will not leave his family for her, but it's not him she wants, it's his baby. I feel sorry for her. However I can also understand you wanting to break off the friendship.

Have you tried questioning her as to why she broke off contact with you so suddenly? Perhaps she had a trauma? Or a breakdown? It may be the key to explaining her current behaviour, as before that she sounded like a really good friend who helped you out when you needed it.

Why not suggest going out for lunch one last time? Ask her to be straight with you and you can be straight with her. You may both hear things you would rather not, but at least it will clear the air. Be honest with her, so that she isn't left wondering what it was she did wrong for you to break off contact with her. Good luck.

Good advice, Rhubarb.

I have a very dear friend who was expecting a baby when I was expecting my first. Anyway we both ended with mcs. Very upsetting but we supported one another. Then both became pg again. She was fine but I mc again. It was very painful. Our friendship seemed to grind to a halt. When we met it was difficult and then she broke off all contact. I was really upset at the time but moved on. 18mths later I was about to give birth and decided to let me know. She was thrilled to bits and travelled 2 hrs to help us move house (baby ended up arriving same day so all got a bit complicated). Anyway thing is we then resumed our friendship as if nothing happened.

I do feel a bit funny now and then. I have a bit less trust but at the same time I can now see how difficult it was for her going through a scary pg. I represented her worst fears. At the time I was angry and hurt but given time I calmed down and now I'm glad we are friends again.

It sounds like you go back quite a long way with this "friend". I agree she has let you down and quite understand that you don't relish contact anymore. But you never know how you will feel in the future. There were times when I felt like telling my friend exactly what I thought but with hindsight I'm glad I let it lie.

If I were you I'd keep your distance and just see how things go. Don't burn your bridges but follow your instincts too (sorry bit cliched here). If the friendship has a solid base I'm sure you'll come back together at some point. If not then you probably won't see much of her anyway. Being the chicken I'd avoid the confrontation and just get on with my own thing.

I have a very dear friend who was expecting a baby when I was expecting my first. Anyway we both ended with mcs. Very upsetting but we supported one another. Then both became pg again. She was fine but I mc again. It was very painful. Our friendship seemed to grind to a halt. When we met it was difficult and then she broke off all contact. I was really upset at the time but moved on. 18mths later I was about to give birth and decided to let me know. She was thrilled to bits and travelled 2 hrs to help us move house (baby ended up arriving same day so all got a bit complicated). Anyway thing is we then resumed our friendship as if nothing happened.

I do feel a bit funny now and then. I have a bit less trust but at the same time I can now see how difficult it was for her going through a scary pg. I represented her worst fears. At the time I was angry and hurt but given time I calmed down and now I'm glad we are friends again.

It sounds like you go back quite a long way with this "friend". I agree she has let you down and quite understand that you don't relish contact anymore. But you never know how you will feel in the future. There were times when I felt like telling my friend exactly what I thought but with hindsight I'm glad I let it lie.

If I were you I'd keep your distance and just see how things go. Don't burn your bridges but follow your instincts too (sorry bit cliched here). If the friendship has a solid base I'm sure you'll come back together at some point. If not then you probably won't see much of her anyway. Being the chicken I'd avoid the confrontation and just get on with my own thing.

I have a very dear friend who was expecting a baby when I was expecting my first. Anyway we both ended with mcs. Very upsetting but we supported one another. Then both became pg again. She was fine but I mc again. It was very painful. Our friendship seemed to grind to a halt. When we met it was difficult and then she broke off all contact. I was really upset at the time but moved on. 18mths later I was about to give birth and decided to let me know. She was thrilled to bits and travelled 2 hrs to help us move house (baby ended up arriving same day so all got a bit complicated). Anyway thing is we then resumed our friendship as if nothing happened.

I do feel a bit funny now and then. I have a bit less trust but at the same time I can now see how difficult it was for her going through a scary pg. I represented her worst fears. At the time I was angry and hurt but given time I calmed down and now I'm glad we are friends again.

It sounds like you go back quite a long way with this "friend". I agree she has let you down and quite understand that you don't relish contact anymore. But you never know how you will feel in the future. There were times when I felt like telling my friend exactly what I thought but with hindsight I'm glad I let it lie.

If I were you I'd keep your distance and just see how things go. Don't burn your bridges but follow your instincts too (sorry bit cliched here). If the friendship has a solid base I'm sure you'll come back together at some point. If not then you probably won't see much of her anyway. Being the chicken I'd avoid the confrontation and just get on with my own thing.

Crumbs. I'm really sorry. This happens to me every now and then. I think its something to do with my internet logging off. 3 times has got to be a record!

www, I also had a friend that I told I didn't want to maintain our friendship nearly 3 years ago now. She was 35, her husband died of a heart attack and only 10 weeks later she was out picking up men. She ended up renting a flat locally to have sex with someone, spending the night with him and going home the next day. Several nannies looked after the young children. To be honest I was appalled by all this and told her I couldn't carry on our friendship as I was also talking about her behind her back.

She is no longer seeing the man (who also had another girlfriend with a newborn baby) and has a more stable life. She relies heavily on other people to look after her children for her and I feel no remorse at ending our friendship. R

What fantastic advice everyone, thank you so much. Today I wrote saying: "I haven't responded because you haven't asked for and don't want my opinion so I'd rather not comment. Let me know what time you will be here for your stuff and I will leave a key out." i.e I won't be here (will be at work). She wrote back saying "no opinions needed thank you, nature is the only thing that will stop me having this baby". Ooo errr!

It made me wish I hadn't said anything really, since she clearly doesn't want to know what I think and thinks I will try to talk her out of it or something. I wouldn't dream of it! Rhubarb, you're right about the fact that I didn't like her dropping me without explanation so maybe I should do as I would be done by and tell her how I feel. OTOH I don't think she'll thank me for it (definitely not, I'd say!) and I can't face the confrontation. I don't think she will be living nearby once she's got her stuff so I probably won't see her.

Good points everyone about the fact that she might well change and be a different/nicer person once she's a mother and maybe, possibly, then we might be able to have a friendship of sorts.

FWIW, Dp thinks that she does have low self esteem, that she is lonely and that she's jealous of our happy relationship and of the fact that I'm already a parent. I think there could be some truth in this but after that evening I decided I was fed up with making excuses for her and I was fed up of her being rude to me and to Dp. Mmmm, think I'll leave it and see what happens. No, I doubt I'll miss her and maybe one day...

www - with that comment, she doesn't sound in a receptive mood for a chat anyway really so best to leave it for now, as you say.

I have lots of different types of mates, those I can phone and see every day and those who do drift in and out of my life - but we pick up exactly where we left off feeling like weve never missed a day, and those I know I can phone just to go out..? i know in my situation as we have all grown older we have all drifted apart doing our different things, some have families, some working away and people are so busy nowadays.

Unfortunately I am very forgetful.. I have a good friend who said to me once about me being unreliable, I would say to her Ill ring you in the week and forget and she had a word with me saying I might be being sensitive but please be reliable and now I make sure I call her when I say I will and am a little more sensitive to her feelings. Perhaps you could talk to your friends and ask them to do the same, especially when you have got a family to plan for. It might help.

Good luck

Wonder if some of you can help me with a problem friend.I'll explain a bit first,I'm a very busy mum of two who works part time and whose kids are at school.I've only lived in my area about 2and a half years so haven't met too many friends yet but lots of aquaintance type friends.I'm on antidepressants and have come off tranquilizers in the last few months so things do tend to bother me a bit more than if I was 100% IYKWIM.Anyway I have 2 friends one of which I am becoming more and more isolated from.I'm kind of glad in a funny way as we don't have that much in common and I would never tell her anything private as she is a bit of a gossip and knows everybody.But she has her good points too which is why we are still friends and we usually manage to have a good chat even though we share none of each others hobbies and she doesn't even like current affairs.Anyway I'm waffling now.Since her child and mine have started in the same year of school now she has been very strange and almost seems to not want to talk to me up at the school.She is always there first in the playground talking to someone but when I approach her in my usual manner and think today I'm going to talk to her up there she will say hello and then obviously turn away which leaves me thinking ok maybe I won't talk to you.She has as well stopped me mid sentence to say something to someone else which I find really rude.She cannot seem to hold a conversation before she gets bored of it and needs to talk to someone else.It's very strange.I know she thinks she isn't very intelligent and sounds boring,her words not mine.She is also very wary of intelligent people as if they are from another planet or something.And prefers people to be down to earth,don't we all?Then again she will phone me up and say she is just coming round or ask me if I want to go out one night.Whats bugging me is the way she is towards me when other people are around which isn't very respectful and I'm wondering if I should just drop her altogether.It's not as if she needs my frindship after all she has so many friends.I've also told her i don't want to go nightclubbing with her and her friends as I feel a bit old for them now and she thought it was strange.Anyway when she last went her nad her friends ended up getting off with some blokes there and they all have partners and it just isn't my thing.What do you think?