Me again - what do I do for the best ?

[Mosman]

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

Talking about ONS is definitely not on. How is he as a father in other respects?

It is a big decision to start a new life with the children in the UK that essentially denies them a real relationship with their father, so I can understand why you aren't just getting straight on a plane without a second thought.

Then again, there is presumably nothing stopping him coming back to the UK too if you went. You say that you all went to Perth because it's his dream, but it doesnt sound like the dream is working out too well in terms of practicalities. Surely he should do the decent thing and move back to the UK if you do, in order to continue parenting his children. Looked at this way, you shouldn't be taking responsibility for severing the children's relationships with their father.

Well generally he's an ok dad but 3 affairs and this current form tells me his dick is making the decisions these days.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty and he could and should come back to the uk but he's determined he won't and that's that.
The kids want to stay and are fed up of the disruption understandably.
I just feel between a rock and hard place, you know? I'm not sure I have it in me to raise these four kids alone .., I'm not sure I want to. Why is it he destroys our family and I get to deal with the shit ... Why isn't he the single parent struggling on benefits or juggling Childcare ?

Visa aside why would you want to live with someone who is fucking other people and clearly has not respect for you. And the bit about telling the kids about his conquests, I mean really wtaF.

And Mosman " I know I shouldn't feel guilty and he could and should come back to the uk but he's determined he won't and that's that." But you have already said you are the one with the visa so if you leave then he will have no choice, Sorry don't get it. You also talk about being a single mum on benefits, why would you. You sound qualified, should be able to secure a job and get help with childcare, I believe you will get help. You can then start living your life again, instead of agonising about what your DP is up to.

Mos, I completely understand your bitterness, but it is paralysing you. Let it go.

He will stay here illegally ... He has said that for as long as he can ... He would rather do that than be with his children.
We are sleeping in separate rooms have been since feb and I've done my fair share of shagging since then just not shared that with the children.
Please don't think I'm pining over this prat I'm really not.
I guess I'm worried about the job situation in the uk, about my ability to hold down z job and look after four children on my own

You may not be pining, but you are still allowing your decision of what to do to be largely made up of how best to make him suffer, like he has made you suffer

Why isn't he the single parent struggling on benefits or juggling Childcare?

This really makes it sound as though his inconvenience is your main goal. It really, really shouldn't be

It just sounds so unhealthy for you all. Don't you just want a fresh start in 2014?

I think it's more about how I don't suffer if honest rather than how he does

It sounds to me as though the job situation is better in the UK at the moment than Oz - and that you wouldn't have the visa issues to worry about.

The other advantage of going now is that you could truthfully say that the visa issues forced you home - and if you want H to return to the UK you could report him when you leave.

You won't have costs associated with schooling to worry about.

The children are still quite young so won't have any problems fitting in at school.

If it was 'his' dream to come to Perth, he's not exactly pulling his finger out to make it work is he?

With all due respect Mosman, someone has got to be the adult here. And it's not going to be him so you're going to have to step up to the plate. No, it's not fair that you're left to pick up the pieces, it really, really sucks. Your husband is an utter cock, a pathetic manchild but you can't change that. Your children need someone to parent them properly and that's going to have to be you.

If you can't get a visa, you can't stay. And you absolutely cannot stay illegally and risk having you and your kids thrown out - it would destroy them.

So give yourself a time limit to find another job. And if you haven't found one by then, you will have to come back here. You will cope, your children will cope. You cannot afford to keep wibbling like this and not actually doing anything - you have less than 2 months before they potentially boot you out the country.

If it was 'his' dream to come to Perth, he's not exactly pulling his finger out to make it work is he? Oh, god, don't ask that... we'll be back on to him again.

You only have ONE life. Is this how you want to spend it?

Seriously?

You can cope with 4 kids, love. You really can. Imagine just how much more headspace will be freed up when you get him out of it. I have been on all your threads pretty much from the beginning of this sorry saga and the prevailing subtext has always been the same.

It is just so sad to see you still there, still attached by this deadly bond of mutual disrespect.

Get him out of the equation, it is killing you and killing your relationship with your kids.

My point was - if it was his 'dream' he would have worked hard to make it work - and that includes being faithful and working together as a family, and getting a job that enabled you to stay legally.

He's made his bed, you need to decide what you want to do for yourself and your children. You can't rely upon him for anything - factor that in and then work out where you want to be in 10, 15 years and how you're going to get there. But don't factor in him doing you any favours or helping out in any way with the children.

My kids love their Dad too - even though he can be a tosser. It doesn't mean that I have to live with him and suffer his VA & EA. I'm not his verbal punchbag.

My kids don't need to watch him treat me like something he stepped in - and in fact they are much much happier now their relationship is just with him and they don't have to see him treat me like shit. Though I suspect my wise 6yo is slowing starting to see through her Dad and just how crap he is (not doing her reading, sleeping in too much etc when they stay with him) but that is between them now.

Nearly a year since we separated and we are all much much happier living apart. Well apart from XP but he can no longer blame me for that.

Many many women on here will tell you the same thing.

Mos, I have 3. Ds is only 6weeks old. I'm on my own, I am not going to lie. Its fecking relentless but I would not go back.

I was terrified of leaving. All tge thoughts of "how can I cope? Will I have to survive on benefits? Where will I live?" All these things that are going through your head, went through mime.

5 months on, I am happy, my kids are happy and safe, yes, I'm on benefits for now but when the baby is old enough, I will start job hunting and I know it could be even harder to be working and on my own but my god, it'll be bloody worth it.

Your dcs may love their dad but you do not. You are just waiting for him to do something like discussing another ONS... Then what? Will the second time be the final straw? Or will it take him bring someone back and your kids finding her in daddies bed? Moving the latest mug in to the house??

You CAN cope on your own. You can come back yo the uk and survive. You cannot stay there. You are already depressed because of this idiot. You will get better if you get him out of your life.

You ARE coping with four kids. Five, actually, if you count him.

Go back to the UK, take your kids, and move on with your life. Oh, and report him before you go and he will be sent back to the UK, where you can get the CSA onto him for child support. You'll manage and it will be fucking hard but worth it in the end.

But stop asking questions and then ignoring the advice of everybody!

Mouseymummy

Yep, bravo Mouseymummy

I live you 34DD whoever you are, brilliant :-)

Love not live