is this ok? confused!

[sausagesarenotafruit]

I have been in a fairly long distance relationship for nearly three years. We plan to marry next year and sell our respective homes and relocate to a mutually acceptable area. The thing is that our lives apart from each other are very different.

I am a single mum and although I work I pay a mortgage and money is extremely tight. Over the past year my savings have dwindled to nothing and now winter is here again I am really struggling financially. If I didn't need to heat my home I could manage (just). Christmas is approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Its not the luxuries but the essentials i can't afford. I am so worried i am losing sleep and feel stressed and weepy. I am doing things to try to increase my income but without success so far.

My 'partner' works full time and although he also pays a mortgage by himself too he earns about 4 times what I do and our outgoings are similar. He is not exactly rolling in it but is comfortable and doesn't have to worry. I have made him aware how difficult things are for me but I wouldn't feel ok asking him for money. But I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that he doesn't offer to help. I can't understand why he thinks it is fine to just let me struggle on. I don't think he has ever had to struggle financially and so maybe just doesn't get it? I don't even know if I would accept if he offered to give me some money but it would mean a lot if he did. I just don't feel very cared for I suppose.

It is making me question whether I should be marrying this man although I love him and he has many great qualities. And I am in a bit of a desperate situation. I just don't know what to think? Any advice please.

Good grief. :(

My love. Can you see how he practised this silent treatment/stonewalling to see if you'd put up with it? You didn't hurl him out on his ear, you actually didn't rise to it (which was the next best thing to do actually) and hw then admonished you and blamed you for doing it too.

The fact that he did it on a holiday too. Nasty. It's kind of deliberately ruining your hard earned and longed for holiday.

Classic abusive traits right there.

I'm not saying he's abusive, but what I am saying is that there is a red flag warning.

The extreme grumpiness? How does that manifest exactly? What causes it? What resolves it?

I'm guessing you are in at least one of the answers to those last 2 questions somehow, eh? :(

What's he like on your dc birthday by the way? Full of the party spirit? nothing too much trouble?, or quiet, sulky pensive and reluctant?

You are being so honest love, and open and clear, I know how hard this is for you to talk about, but somehow all of this will get you somewhere positive.

Your comment about your dad too has worried me in that you may have been raised to see dysfunctional behaviour as normal.

(((hug)))

What he's doing now is testing you. To see how far and how fast he can make all this.

Rest assured it will all get way more frequent, way more commonplace, the longer this relationship goes on.

I hear what you are saying (even if part of me doesn't want to). I think I have been minimising my concerns in the hope they would go away. I so wanted it to be my turn to find someone good. Things are very hard and I wanted security and a 'proper' family for my son and me. I am no longer young. I only own half my house and only pay the interest on the mortgage, my part-time job is in jeopardy due to cutbacks. Sometimes it just feels like one long relentless struggle. The hope for this relationship to be the answer is massive.

Other people are rarely the answer

Always listen to your concerns OP. Unfortunately they will not go away, and if you move in, they will get bigger.

I so understand your longing to have a secure, supportive relationship, but from all that you have said, do you really think that this is it? Someone who goes no-contact, has outbreaks of extreme grumpiness, can't cope with trains, can't commute for an hour...

Imagine living with that. You can't ignore it, however much you want to.

Dear god, no.

The only hope is you.

I know what you are hearing is scaring you, how you see it's truth, but don't want it to be so.

Trust me. Been there, got the t-shirt.

I'd give almost anything to turn back the clock and not have the relationship I had, not had to bear the falling out and destruction of my entire family through the realisation of abuse, but it is what it is. None of it my choice.

The truth is better, seriously.

My love, refocus on you, exclusively you and turn this all around. You can do this.

That man isn't a proper family. He'd make you all very miserable indeed, and ultimately it could cost you the relationship with your son.

Nothing's worth that. You are a great parent. You are thé best mum and dad that boy has. So put everything you have into it, into yourself and see where you end up.

It won't be in this pit of fear, I can tell you!

There's a bit of advice I'd give to every woman - Always have a wee after sex. There's another bit of advice I'd give to everyone, especially females, and that's to always be financially independent.

Sausages, it sounds like you're painting yourself into a corner. Don't do it until you know you have a viable get out plan. There are many red flags here.

Teeny

Op it sounds a little as though you are hoping this relationship....marriage etc is going to be the answer to your financial/family stability. I fear that won't be the case. Some individuals with very controlling traits begin by the the 'stone walling' be very careful....it's clearly on his terms at the moment....not equal footing at all.

The hope for this relationship to be the answer is massive.

And that is a very dangerous position to be in. :(

He, a well paid person, won't pay £5,000 a year - even for just one year - for an easy commute in order to determine a lifetime's worth of compatibility (or not)? When there are children involved?

That's crazy.

He won't because he's looking for the easier option for him of OP uprooting herself and her family instead, losing her job in the process. Because he knows it will work because she will be dependent on him and will probably feel trapped. Because she has been agreeing to what he has wanted so far.

He was silent for a WEEK? Bloody hell OP he sounds like bad news. Don't waste your life with somebody who is going to play games with you. There are lots of genuine kind people out there that you will never have a chance to find if you settle for this guy.

When you get married problems/ behaviours/ habits are magnified a hundred fold. I have been married 20 yrs this week and know this too well. I was married quite young, probably too young but I knew best!
Anyway it's not easy being married. It takes a massive amount of work & love to get through the day to day stuff and the big stuff. It has it's rewards obviously but it's not plain sailing.
Do not do this if you have doubts,you need to work through them,and decide the best road, whether that's with him or without him. Do you really love him? Without love it's pointless to even consider working it through.

Can you see Citizens Advice for financial advice?!

Hey Op, after reading your updates from the weekend, I'm still not seeing enough detail that would make me comfortable (in your shoes) to uproot and leave with your son. I think you need to do more and sit down with a pen and paper with your partner and talk actual £. I think it's just as important to think about wills, life insurance and pensions and what if in the event you both divorced or separated?

And have you actually asked for X amount to help you out? For things like the luxuries, goodies for Christmas? Even petrol? You both should feel comfortable to ask each other for help at this stage and not feel like one or the other is being ripped off.

If you did move in with him would you have somewhere to go to if things didn't work out?
Family or friends who would take you both in?
If not then don't do it.

When I met my Ex-H he did the silent treatment.
Once, then the 2nd time (although not living together properly but more or less) I left work early, packed my bags and went to my mums before he was due home.

He soon came round, not understanding what had happened.
We had a long grown up talk about the silent treatment - about being adults and being able to discuss things that we wanted to. How we have plenty of good English vocabulary and we can communicate and not ignore.
I explained that it was NOT something I was prepared to ever accept.
He helped me understand why he did it and it was because that was what his mum used to do. So to him it was a normal reaction.
We soon sorted it out and it never happened again.
We got married and lived happily for 15 years - until he became the clichéd mid-life crisis arsehole and had an affair - but that's by the by.

If I hadn't been able to get out and make my point, things would have been very different.
So if you don't have an 'out' don't do it.

Please think about this and read all replies - do not get married to this man until, if ever, you feel 100% sure and you clearly are not at the moment. From what I've read, he earns 4 times what you do, clearly can see you are struggling and never offers to help (you shouldn't have to ask the person that is meant to love you), let you pay for you and your son to go on hol with him and during that time, sulked for a week. He also expects you to uproot yourself and your child from your home to suit his desires....seriously, read it all back, he sounds a selfish git, and the statement he made that all finances would be shared, well, I'd be taking that with a huge dose of salt!

Don't use marriage as an excuse to sort out your own financial difficulties, if you can't change your job to earn more, what about downsizing? You need to tell him you need a trial of living together, remember he will have to live with your son as well, all the time, 247. I just don't get a good vibe off him whatsoever.

Just throwing my thoughts in for what it is worth. I used to do the silent treatment thing (was used to it frm home) and my do had to sit me down and explain that it was unaccptable and i have had to find other ways to communicate. Sounds like your dp is doing the same.
He also offered to help. I would see this as two very positive things actually. I would ask for some help (ie a set amount of money) and see how he responds and take it from there.

On the other hand, I would not get married under these circumstances but I would work on my own financial situation first. How about a long engaement? You can still set a date and work towards that goal together.

Your dp does not have children but he has shown willingness to learn, he has stoped the silent treatment when you asked him to and he has offered to help. Is it just me- am I missing something here? To me he sounds like a thoroughly decent man albeit new to the whole marriage and parenthood thing. Being in a partnership takes experince, which he may not have. Doesnt mean he is bad un, maybe just need more direction and clarity from you?

Just my thoughts for what it is worth. Also- you are doing a great job keeping a roof over your yourself and your son. Dont underestimate yourself. Times are hard for so many of us- you sound strong, determined and hard working.
Cut yourself some slack!

Assuming you can resolve the behaviour issues, why couldn't you pick a location to move to that is halfway between where you both live right now, and then BOTH commute 35 or so miles....then you, OP could remain in your job...or have I spectacularly failed to see something here?

I feel so moved by all the thoughtful and considered responses on here. Thank you everyone who has posted - I have read and re-read every post and it is all helping me to clarify my thoughts and feelings. Yes in some ways a harsh reality check but if I didn't want that I wouldn't have posted would I.

What I have taken from this is that it would be wise and nothing will be lost by not rushing in to marriage. We definitely need a trial at living together first. My job is only part time, but all the time it still exists I think I should keep it. It's not just the money - it's part of my identity and it gives me structure and purpose.

Londonswede - thanks for an alternate view. I find myself constantly swinging between this more tolerant way of seeing things and really focusing in on the negatives (which are certainly significant). Only time will tell but I now feel clearer about how to minimise the risks to me and my son.

I really like the idea of moving in between both our jobs. If that were possible it seems the fair way of organising things (if we get that far).
I am going to talk to him I think and tell him all my thoughts. How he responds will say a lot.