is this ok? confused!

[sausagesarenotafruit]

I have been in a fairly long distance relationship for nearly three years. We plan to marry next year and sell our respective homes and relocate to a mutually acceptable area. The thing is that our lives apart from each other are very different.

I am a single mum and although I work I pay a mortgage and money is extremely tight. Over the past year my savings have dwindled to nothing and now winter is here again I am really struggling financially. If I didn't need to heat my home I could manage (just). Christmas is approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Its not the luxuries but the essentials i can't afford. I am so worried i am losing sleep and feel stressed and weepy. I am doing things to try to increase my income but without success so far.

My 'partner' works full time and although he also pays a mortgage by himself too he earns about 4 times what I do and our outgoings are similar. He is not exactly rolling in it but is comfortable and doesn't have to worry. I have made him aware how difficult things are for me but I wouldn't feel ok asking him for money. But I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that he doesn't offer to help. I can't understand why he thinks it is fine to just let me struggle on. I don't think he has ever had to struggle financially and so maybe just doesn't get it? I don't even know if I would accept if he offered to give me some money but it would mean a lot if he did. I just don't feel very cared for I suppose.

It is making me question whether I should be marrying this man although I love him and he has many great qualities. And I am in a bit of a desperate situation. I just don't know what to think? Any advice please.

In which sense was the holiday not that great?
Imagine it amplified at least 10x on a day to day and you having no friends around, as your DC, and no income of your own (worst case scenario, but it's a possibility) or you having to pay all for yourself and your DC out of any CB or other income you may have. Will you even get CB if you join his salary?
If he's not prepared to live with you, or contribute towards a bigger home near you, I'd drop, TBH.

The irony is that if I didn't spend all my free weekends with him I could probably have got my ideas for self employment off the ground by now and wouldn't need any help...

He was mainly silent for the fist week of the holiday. I never did get to the bottom of it, he was 'stressed' or something. Found it difficult to cope... bloody hell

My DP has offered me help a thousand times... I haven't accepted but it was the first thing he did when he started to guess I was not as well off. His job isn't even that secure so it's not like he should be offering.

That is a side issue though. This doesn't sound good all round.

I can't believe that the man you love is insisting that your child should be uprooted because he doesn't want an hours commute. If trains make him anxious can he not drive?

I think that the desire to have someone ease the financial burden is making you close your eyes and cross your fingers and trust to blind luck that the very real doubts you have about this man will go away once you're married.

You currently own your own home. Your child has a stable life. You would be throwing away a lot if it all goes wrong.

I was a step parent for a while and I spent 6 years in a town I couldn't stand with an hours commute without even thinking to question it because in this situation the child's needs come first. I know it would be fab for your child if you got the happy ever after and I appreciate having a partner adds a bit of spice to life, but are you really sure this one's a keeper?

Is he going to be 'anxious' or 'stressed' about anything that involves him making an effort to do something he's not 100% happy about?

How long would it be before you and your ds were walking on eggshells around him just so that he didn't get stressed?

I hear what you are saying Fluffy and you are right. Unfortunately though my position isn't stable. The financial balls I am juggling are all falling (if in slow motion) so it's unlikely I can keep the house going much longer and I wouldn't get another mortgage as I don't earn enough now. No reason to marry someone I know but the temptation is huge. If two people want to make a marriage work can they do it by sheer force of will or is that madness? (Actually we are compatible in lots of ways). I think my next step is to have a big talk with him and go from there.

Thank you for all the thoughtful posts. I'm off to bed now x

Are you planning on renting your house out while you live with him on a trial basis? Please try everything to keep hold of that property. You don't want to be facing retirement in a rented property, it is a scary thought.

If you put the effort you're currently putting into the relationship into finding or training for better paid work would you be in a better position in two years time, or do you imagine you would be happier if you married this man?

The irony is that if I didn't spend all my free weekends with him I could probably have got my ideas for self employment off the ground by now and wouldn't need any help...

If you're serious about it, my suggestion is that you try to spend some of your free time on this venture as soon as you possibly can. Don't wait a moment longer. Even just 15 minutes, to get you started! Do not let this relationship stand in the way of your ambitions (and perhaps a real chance to free yourself from insecurity).

A good man will support you in your endeavours, every step of the way. Even if he can't see you for as long, or as often.

Hope you get a good night's sleep.

Can you not take in a lodger?

I think you see it as...

a. Don't marry him. All the financial balls come tumbling down. Cue disruption, ruin, failure and regret.

b. Mary him and it will all come right.

c. Marry him and if it doesn't work out get a divorce. Cue disruption, failure and regret, but from a stronger staring point than you are at now.

It feels like the only positive option involves marrying him. Divorce would be bad but it's delayed and not certain. Where as financial meltdown is imminent.

Is there a realistic d?

How likely is b?

I read this and can only think- don't do it! You sound nice, just wanting to be rescued which is quite understandable as being very short of money is horrible. He doesn't sound the right solution though.

If he is only just out of a marriage, does he have maintenance and his own dc to support? Perhaps there is not much left in the pot to support you and a growing ds.

You say you won't get work in this new place- won't he expect you to get any job? How long will you be jobless for? Its all his way- you know, op, you have a pretty good set up, a job, house, ds in school - and a business idea to keep you busy and independent.

If I were you I would get that off the ground- get him to come to you, or have a few weekends off doing that and a night out with your friends to get some perspective, spend the weekend just you and your ds.

Are you and your ds spending your weekends commuting to him? That must cost you in petrol if so, plus your ds must miss his life at home at weekends, friends, sport etc. does he cover your weekend costs or do you?

Or does he come to you and fit in with you, give you money for food etc?
If he is at yours, he would know you don't have the heating on and not much in the fridge.

Alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head it's not funny. You describe your partner in inverted commas. You ask if marriage will give you security, I assume you mean financial ? I'm concerned that you are asking these types of questions of strangers rather than knowing in your heart why you are marrying him. You've asked for firewood as a Christmas present........ Mostly to illustrate how broke you are. Does your child and their prospective step-dad have a warm relationship ? There's just far to many unanswered questions here for me.
Sorry, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me - ok it doesn't have to.

Don't sell the house, if you are going to jump into this, at least rent it. It will give you a small income and somewhere to go back to if things fail. If he thinks you also have to give up on the house to protect him from commuting you are in deep trouble.

There are people out there who think that the difference between being in a relationship or not is is just not being able to sleep diagonally on their beds... He seems one of those, if you are struggling to that point, have a child, and he cannot even notice it, you have either very good at hiding your real situation or he has been incredibly insensitive.

If you leave your job you will be totally dependent on a man you don't trust enough yet, how long before mr fear of commuting starts complaining that you are holding him back and not allowing him to keep with his usual lifestyle?

Have you considered for a moment that you might be under such financial pressure because you are trying to live up to his standard of living in a much smaller salary?

Plan d?

You start working out on your self employment idea AND d1) he goes to your home every weekend now, d2) moves in on a trial basis (in both he helps out with the business idea), d3) you ditch him (if he says no or somehow creates difficulties in you starting your business)

Is he strangely silent at other times? Does he sulk or stop contact at all?
How is he stingy? In relation to himself or you? How about your son?

How does he treat waitresses and shop assistants?

How is his relationship with your son?

Is he usually supportive of you, or critical?

NOW i'm worried.

Honey, do NOTHING for now.

Breathe, think, feel.

Oi this isn't going to be your happy ending.

You need to invest heavily in yourself, get yourself financially stable. First and foremost.

Don't marry a person because you are struggling!

There's something so third world about that it's really upsetting. I've seen women in Egypt marry because they have no other way of sustaining themselves.

We're a better country than that love, and you are worth better than this. I'm not even going to mention the risks for your ds in this, but he needs you to find the very, very best man to be your DH. Not someone 'who'll take you both on'

You see what i'm saying here?

(((hug)))

I would advise a proper discussion on how you both plan to support the household and bills. Try and talk about scenarios. If your mortgage was X, how much are you expected to contribute. what about things like college or university

I have just had a long and frank talk with him on the phone. He says he was unaware of how difficult things were for me. I think I have to take responsibility for not being direct enough. Also I make it warm and nice for when he comes! He wants to help financially. He says that as far as he is concerned all money is 'our' money. His expectation is that when we live together we will have a joint account which we both have free access to.

This is all good isn't it? However lots of other questions have been raised which are really making me think. His relationship with my son is ok - they are both fond of each other and get on well, but he doesn't have any of his own children and has no clue how to parent and so generally stays uninvolved. We have talked about this and I have told him what I think my son needs from their relationship. He is willing to try /learn.

We really need to both sell our houses to use the equity to buy a family home together. His equity far outweighs mine btw.

New posts in my profession are rarer than hens teeth in the current climate (NHS) although there are possibilities for me to work privately. He is fully supportive of my business ideas and says he is happy to support us until I start to make some money. I see this as an exciting opportunity to develop ideas that I have not had the financial security to do before.

So this is great if it is all lovely- BUT I have to think about what it might be like living with someone who can be silent for a week. Earlier in our relationship he would go silent on me but he has worked on this and we are much better at communicating now I think.

I have told him that I need to focus on my business venture for the next while so cannot see him so often. He wants to come anyway and help. I have told him that when we see each other it is not like real life and we need to see how we get on with the stresses and strains of everyday life. He just wants to get married (before I go off him???). Sorry this is so long.

It sounds promising, but it's easy to say what people want to hear. Keep your boundaries and see how he behaves.
Even if you get married, I'd still keep your house until you are confident in the relationship. There is no reason for you to lose your job, you could buy a larger house near where you live now. Except if he doesn't want to commute. I do think that living where you are now should not be a negotiable point. He should take it or leave it.

"Even if you get married, I'd still keep your house until you are confident in the relationship."
I mean, live at your house. He can keep his and rent it out until you decide to buy a new one.
Even in a small house, one more person sharing a room with you doesn't take that much extra space.

Stonewalling is the worst kind of abuse, and looks like he tried it on you before, a couple of times and got away with it.

Knowing what I know now, i'd bin someone on the first episode of 'the silent treatment'

See, marriage doesn't just give security. It can be the original gilded cage. (Sometimes not so gilded.) It's harder for the party of the second part to run off and leave you destitute - but it's also harder for you to get out of if it turns out all wrong (and there is always that risk however well you think you know someone). It is a hell of a lot easier to walk into a marriage than to walk out of it again. You wouldn't be able to buy your house back, for a start.