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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this ok? confused!

121 replies

sausagesarenotafruit · 29/11/2013 19:13

I have been in a fairly long distance relationship for nearly three years. We plan to marry next year and sell our respective homes and relocate to a mutually acceptable area. The thing is that our lives apart from each other are very different.

I am a single mum and although I work I pay a mortgage and money is extremely tight. Over the past year my savings have dwindled to nothing and now winter is here again I am really struggling financially. If I didn't need to heat my home I could manage (just). Christmas is approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Its not the luxuries but the essentials i can't afford. I am so worried i am losing sleep and feel stressed and weepy. I am doing things to try to increase my income but without success so far.

My 'partner' works full time and although he also pays a mortgage by himself too he earns about 4 times what I do and our outgoings are similar. He is not exactly rolling in it but is comfortable and doesn't have to worry. I have made him aware how difficult things are for me but I wouldn't feel ok asking him for money. But I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that he doesn't offer to help. I can't understand why he thinks it is fine to just let me struggle on. I don't think he has ever had to struggle financially and so maybe just doesn't get it? I don't even know if I would accept if he offered to give me some money but it would mean a lot if he did. I just don't feel very cared for I suppose.

It is making me question whether I should be marrying this man although I love him and he has many great qualities. And I am in a bit of a desperate situation. I just don't know what to think? Any advice please.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/11/2013 11:50

Glad you chatted.... be wary of the 'silent stuff' and holidays early on which aren't that great....so when you got engaged did you talk about setting a date for wedding? Seems the pending move etc is based a little more on his terms.
I guess it can be hard for someone who hasn't got a child to be a little phased by what it may entail....would worry me getting married without a trial first. If he really wants to be with you maybe he needs to be at your place more and get over his commuting fears. Also it doesn't really matter if your place is small if its only temporary.

Lavenderhoney · 30/11/2013 13:46

Its not just you though, who will be living with someone who goes silent. Your ds will have to put up with it too, and be learning about future relationships by watching you two.

It sounds like the holiday with you all was spoilt by his silent treatment. Did you put up with it and pretend to your ds it was all good- and how did you manage all three in room together unless you went sc? How old is your ds?

Honestly- the fact he wants to marry pdq before you get a chance to change your mind- that would make me run. Many a true word spoken in jest etc.

You could have a break for a bit, get everything sorted so you feel secure independently and then think again if you want to give it all up? No rush, is there?

frenchmanicure · 30/11/2013 13:57

Sorry but there's no way I'd ever consider giving up my job, and my financial independence for a man, however great he was.

I can see how attractive the prospect of being able to rely on someone else financially is (I've been a LP for many years, no money from my Ex so it all rests on my shoulders) BUT it's a huge risk, and could all go very horribly wrong.

I wouldn't want to take that chance.

CailinDana · 30/11/2013 14:28

Do you love him? Do you like him? Do you think he'll be a good dad to your son?

Hissy · 30/11/2013 15:43

I think this is all wrong.

IWishYouWould · 30/11/2013 17:29

So far reading your thread op, it seems the dream of happily ever after with this man is unraveling. You are about to give up an awful lot of your son's stability and life. All for a man who seems to not be able to accept the work that comes with a ready made family. I'm looking solely at your sons perspective, as if it were from yours you will be able to reason all decisions. Put this relationship on the back burner (you don't have to end it) and start working on your self employment idea's. You have said yourself the financial balls are dropping. Put your focus Into stopping your home being taken and keeping your son happy. If this man truly is a keeper, he will be bending over backwards to help safeguard your future. This needs to be seen, before you give anything to a man who has stalled at every point so far.
Another point to consider is, if your marriage were to fail and he wanted you to sell up, what on earth will you do?

WantedAboutTheMincePies · 30/11/2013 18:36

He was mainly silent for the fist week of the holiday

I have to think about what it might be like living with someone who can be silent for a week

How did you like the silence during the first week of the holiday?

And why do you think it would be limited to a single week in the future? If he is capable of giving you the silent treatment for half of your first holiday together, that could easily stretch to three weeks when you are living together. And all the while, you would be wondering when he is going to cheer up and whether you did something to provoke such a reaction.

Are you quite sure that this is a relationship to sell your house and move DS's school for?

Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 30/11/2013 21:06

I did tell him that the silence would be a deal breaker if it happened again and it hasn't (so far). But of course it would be awful to live with someone who did that and I am aware that all the time I am independent I can say that and mean it but if I am married and dependent I don't have that leverage do I.

Oh crap.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/11/2013 21:10

That is why you should only agree to marriage if he moves to your area and you keep your job.
Anything else, and the rush to just get married, sounds dodgy.

Disclaimer: not saying you should marry him at all.

IWishYouWould · 30/11/2013 21:44

op I think you already know what you need to do.

FluffyJumper · 30/11/2013 22:04

Thing is with the silent treatment (been there), is that if he's silent once for a couple of days, what do you do? Leave him? What, for being silent for a couple of days, are you crazy?! Of course not. So when he finally deigns to snap out of it you tell him how much it bothers you and he agrees and says he'll 'try' not to do it again. Then he does it again. Then you're in a situation where that's what he does, it's his thing. And you're spending more and more time on the Mumsnet Relationship board telling people 'but he's a wonderful father'.

That's my experience anyway.

I am now divorced Grin.

Golferman · 01/12/2013 14:44

Why the fuck do women think we men are mind readers? Ask him to help. If he just acknowledges you are in difficulty then you can't blame him for not giving you money if you don't ask.

Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 14:55

Why do 'men' think its ok to make sweeping generalisations about women? Why are you so angry Golferman? You're not my partner are you Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 14:58

Ooops forgot the question mark ^ Should read; You're not my partner are you?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/12/2013 15:16

I'd never ask, unless I was starving.

Not sure the OP would even accept, except that a caring person would show more concern. That is the issue. Not mind reading.

Lweji · 01/12/2013 15:18

And I hope your partner is not this rude, OP.
I'd dump him.

Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 15:27

Lweji thank you (and everyone else who has read my post and offered thoughtful advice). If he was that rude I would definitely dump him!

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 01/12/2013 15:32

Op, ask him to live with you for just one year (that's really not a big ask) before you BOTH take the plunge in selling houses and uprooting your son. This would be beneficial for both of you, not just you.

Hissy · 01/12/2013 15:33

Lovey, you have so much more to lose than him.

The schooling thing alone would scare the bejesus out of me.

Too many whatifs.

Why not move in with you, and then decide as a family unit to see what the next step is?

But the silent treatment is what's screaming at me here, it's such a twisted thing to do, and so hate fuelled.

Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 15:47

Kitsmummy I think that is a really good plan and have suggested that in the past but he doesn't want to. I am going to discuss it again though. My son is 10 and if I'm going to move him I wanted to do it before secondary school.

Hissy I know what you mean - and even though the silent thing hasn't happened for a long time it has a very destructive impact when it does. I have thought about it in terms of him having trouble dealing with his emotions rather than hatred and he has so far tried hard to work on this. But perhaps I am making excuses for him. Most of the time he's great.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 01/12/2013 16:03

You said you were afraid of ending up with another controlling man. Well that's exactly what you've got, I'm afraid. Stonewalling is a form of control. It's meant to make you anxious and second guess yourself and think twice about upsetting him or stressing him out.

I think that if he were really sincere about being a family unit with you he would be talking about this with you from the pov of what is best for your son. atm afaics what would be best for your son would be to stay in his school and for your partner to trial living with you for say a year or so to minimise impact on your son if it didn't work out. Good partners make sacrifices like doing a commute they don't like for the sake of their family. They don't put children in a vulnerable position by asking their parent to give up work in return for no financial security.

Even if he did marry you (which doesn't sound certain by any means) and you later split you wouldn't get any maintenance for your DS, and you might not get a lot of your combined assets if he built up most of them before you married. You might only get the equity from your house and that might not be enough by then to get back on the property ladder. You might struggle to find work if you have been out of the workforce for a while and be unable to pay a mortgage.

If you do move in with him fgs don't sell your house.

Hissy · 01/12/2013 21:12

Silent treatment is NEVER an inability to deal with emotions. Not for a week.

A week is a long time to do that, perhaps you didn't notice the times he 'iced' you out before that.

There are poor things here that suffer months of the same treatment as you've glimpsed.

He's asking everything of you, but not actually contributing any investment himself.

Look at this situation objectively. Look at what he's giving up, and what you and worse, your son will have to give up.

Original poster
sausagesarenotafruit · 01/12/2013 21:47

Earlier in our relationship he did go no contact on me two or three times. I responded to this by ignoring him and he said that amounted to me doing the same as him. Anyway after the last time he did agree that he wouldn't do it again and it it does seem to have stopped but he can have strange sort of flashes of extreme grumpiness which I don't know how to handle. These are seldom and pass quickly but very uncomfortable for me. I suppose I just try to ignore it. My father was a bit like this so it sort of feels normal.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/12/2013 22:05

See, the thing is you don't suggest that option and he gets to say no, you're coming to live where I do and sell your house and lose your job. You give him that option or to continue as things are, or leave. No other option is fair on you or your son. You don't have to do as he wants or says.

FluffyJumper · 01/12/2013 22:34

It's not the same thing at all. Is he saying you should have chased after him when he went NC? Instigating NC in a romantic relationship is an entirely different thing to responding to it.