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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this ok? confused!

121 replies

sausagesarenotafruit · 29/11/2013 19:13

I have been in a fairly long distance relationship for nearly three years. We plan to marry next year and sell our respective homes and relocate to a mutually acceptable area. The thing is that our lives apart from each other are very different.

I am a single mum and although I work I pay a mortgage and money is extremely tight. Over the past year my savings have dwindled to nothing and now winter is here again I am really struggling financially. If I didn't need to heat my home I could manage (just). Christmas is approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Its not the luxuries but the essentials i can't afford. I am so worried i am losing sleep and feel stressed and weepy. I am doing things to try to increase my income but without success so far.

My 'partner' works full time and although he also pays a mortgage by himself too he earns about 4 times what I do and our outgoings are similar. He is not exactly rolling in it but is comfortable and doesn't have to worry. I have made him aware how difficult things are for me but I wouldn't feel ok asking him for money. But I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that he doesn't offer to help. I can't understand why he thinks it is fine to just let me struggle on. I don't think he has ever had to struggle financially and so maybe just doesn't get it? I don't even know if I would accept if he offered to give me some money but it would mean a lot if he did. I just don't feel very cared for I suppose.

It is making me question whether I should be marrying this man although I love him and he has many great qualities. And I am in a bit of a desperate situation. I just don't know what to think? Any advice please.

OP posts:

steeking · 29/11/2013 20:19

It sounds as if you are more taken with the idea of security than with the man himself .
Do you REALLY love him. I mean that heartaching feeling of not wanting to be away from him?
That's how I felt before marrying DH . Weeks were so long till we meet again at the weekends .
Perhaps you need a good think about it.

Original poster

sausagesarenotafruit · 29/11/2013 20:19

Thanks for the responses. No it's not an online relationship! We met through mutual friends, for the first time 13 years ago and got together when both single nearly 3 years ago. He was married in the meantime. He lives 70 miles away and he mostly visits me but I also visit him, sometimes with my son but the cost of petrol is a factor for me. They get on well. I introduced him to my DS after about 6 months ( when I believed he was a keeper).

He doesn't think he can cope with the commute from my place as being on a train makes him anxious. I have suggested a trial living together at mine several times (he could rent his house out easily because of its locatiion) but he doesn't want to or doesn't feel my house is suitable (small bungalow) so we would be a bit on top of each other. I would not uproot my son for a trial at his and it's too small anyway. I was sort of thinking that if I'm going to sell my house and give up my job and move my son's school then it would have to be for the real deal if you know what I mean?

OP posts:

wordyBird · 29/11/2013 20:25

I don't like the sound of this, sausages.
LDR, and you've never lived together, but you're hoping to get married?

And you don't feel cared for. I can see why; though I can also see it's not that you want to ask for, or be given money, but really that he doesn't seem aware how much of a struggle it is for you (does he know you're weepy and losing sleep, and concerned about heating your home?)

Giving up your unusual job in the hope of self employment also sounds like a large leap of faith.

There's not much to go on here. But from the little you've told us I think you need to be on much firmer ground before you make a lifetime, and legally binding commitment to your long distance partner.

Hissy · 29/11/2013 20:25

What on earth makes you thin this is the real deal?

Seriously?

CailinDana · 29/11/2013 20:27

Does he have kids? What's his house like?

PoppyField · 29/11/2013 20:27

You are absolutely right, if you are going to sell your house and giveup your job and move your son's school it would have to be the real deal.... and he's not prepared to move in with you because he gets anxious on trains? There is already a huge imbalance right there. Does he have children? Has he any idea of the size of that commitment that you have to your DS?

To me it sounds as if there is an inequality here. An inequality already of what he expects from you and what you are supposed to accept from him. Not liking it.

Only1scoop · 29/11/2013 20:28

Hmmmm he seems to have a number of excuses

Original poster

sausagesarenotafruit · 29/11/2013 20:31

Lweji the being financially dependent on him does worry me. The reason I survived the break up with my sons father is because I was financially independant. In fact it was the reason I was able to end the relationship and separate from someone extremely damaging to me and my son. I worry about finding myself with a controlling partner, perhaps partly from lurking on MN for so long but also because my current partner can be a bit uptight sometimes. I swing from feeling completely in love with him to feeling really scared about what it could be like if things go wrong.

OP posts:

wordyBird · 29/11/2013 20:31

He's put a lot of obstacles in the way of your living together, hasn't he? Anxious on the train... doesn't want to live in your home or thinks it's unsuitable, or not big enough...these sound like excuses.

CailinDana · 29/11/2013 20:33

What do you mean when you say he's uptight?

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 29/11/2013 20:35

Wait, you are giving up employment, a roof over your head that you own AND moving DS school and friends.
All because he won't commute for an hour?
An hour?
OP reconsider, please.

EirikurNoromaour · 29/11/2013 20:39

You don't know if it's the real deal though. You have no idea. Getting married will have no effect on whether this relationship is going to last, you are still uprooting your son, selling your home and giving up your job for an untested relationship. Being married won't change any if that.

Lweji · 29/11/2013 20:51

I'd tell him to have train anxiety treatment and put it that you'll live at your home or nowhere together.

Being uptight now is not a good sign, particularly if you are effectively to become financially dependent on a man.

Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable giving money to a non-live in partner, but I certainly wouldn't simply be sending hugs. At the very least, I'd be giving ideas on how to save and make money. And might contribute in other ways, such as paying for shopping when visiting, and giving gifts that might take off the load a bit. And certainly not allowing to spend money on fuel when they are struggling financially.

Lweji · 29/11/2013 20:55

Also, getting married doesn't give you that much financial security. The DC is not his, and if you were to lose your job for him, if you were married only a few years, he might not have to pay much in spousal maintenance.
Your houses were already yours, so I don't think you'd share much on their value.
Divorces and moving cost money, so you'd probably lose out.

I agree, though, that if you want to have children with him, then definitely get married. Just don't move out of your home, and certainly don't lose your job.

Noctilucent · 29/11/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 29/11/2013 21:16

You would be giving up much more than the 5,000 on his commuting costs.
And you describe him as tight.
Do not give up everything you have on this man.
Let him move in with you as a minimum.
Say you won't move school if you need an excuse.

OohBridget · 29/11/2013 21:41

do not selll your house. It wil be your only true security. Do not not not. Keep it. Rent it out.

Hissy · 29/11/2013 21:44

What work have you done on yourself since the abusive relationship?

If the answer to that is nothing, then you are in danger of making mistakes in trusting men.

I don't like the sound of your fear, I don't like the imbalance, I don't like the enormous sacrifice you and your ds have to make, and for what? A bloke who doesn't like trains?

TopHatAndTails · 29/11/2013 22:56

This seems to be very much a one way street. He gets to stay in his home, keep his cosy little commute and his job. In the mean time you and ds are going to turn your whole lives and your security upside down to fit in with all this?

Surely if he cared enough he would want you to retain your independence and he would be prepared to give a little to ensure ds's security. An hour commute really isn't a big deal. If he gets anxious on the train can't he drive, car share, go earlier when it's less busy? It really does seem that he has it all his own way.

It is worrying that he is oblivious to how much you are struggling now. Is he likely to see when you or ds are in distress when you are living with him? It gets very tedious when you have to spell every little thing out. Is this relationship really worth giving up the security you have worked so hard to give your ds. I'm worried for you op.

Original poster

sausagesarenotafruit · 29/11/2013 23:05

Thank you all so much. I feel like I am having a massive reassessment of the situation now. I am going to ask for a trial of living together i think before making any life changing decisions. The three of us did go on holiday together the summer before last ( i paid for myself and my son) and to be honest it wasn't that great. The idea of a 'happy ever after' is just so seductive. I think I have had a sense of unease for a while but its easy to dismiss it as baggage, an inability to trust etc. Your comments have really helped.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2013 23:15

When I met my OH I moved in with him in Nottingham and drove to Luton every day for work. 96 miles each way. 1 hour commute is nothing in all honesty. I would be doubting his commitment to you at this juncture.

bordellosboheme · 29/11/2013 23:30

Trust your sense of unease. I have been in the position of not listening to that before. I now know it was there for a reason.

middleeasternpromise · 29/11/2013 23:35

The marriage, moving etc would be secondary in this for me, the primary issue seems to be you're ability to communicate openly and honestly with him. I'm afraid this is more you than him as he is in a good position so what does he have to negotiate with you for. You should be able to talk to him about how difficult your situation is, what you are comfortable with in terms of having him help and what makes you uncomfortable. Sitting back waiting to see if he would have the sensitivity to offer to pay half of holiday costs etc etc and making subtle comments about logs as an Xmas present - isnt going to cut to the main issue. You need to put this all on the table very clearly and honestly. Only then will you know exactly what he feels about supporting you and what the unsaid expectations are on his side. You have nothing to lose by doing this as if you dont get down to this frank exchange of views, you would be quite simply mad to give up your current circs to move in with him. If you think you are going to find it easier to have this conversation when you are an established married couple, I would have to say from experience, it doesnt always happen like that. His reluctance to put up with an hours commute so you can both have a better understanding of the realities of living together, is not a good sign. You do seem to be the one doing alot of the accommodating.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 29/11/2013 23:46

OP...are you me? I was in an incredibly similar position a few years back...

My partner was in the forces, his 2 children in boarding school. At one stage I was thinking of taking my DS 140 miles away, giving up my job, leaving family etc for a man who, like yours, had no empathy with my situation.

He wasn't concerned about MY childs schooling "he's never going to excel at anything" being one remark. And when it was freezing cold in my house, he commented "it's even colder than mine" and laughed..I told him "I don't use my heating because I can't afford it, you don't use yours 'cause you're effing tight"!

Sadly he didn't take the hint...despite being deeply in love with him, common sense prevailed, I called it a day. Once the heartbreak passed (a long time) I can honestly say I did the right. We were way down on his list of priorities. A no brainer really...

Think hard OP...this is a risk I personally wasn't prepared to take..good luck

GinAndIt · 29/11/2013 23:46

Agree with this. I ended up marrying a man about whom I felt a deep sense of unease but wanted the 'happy ever after', just like you do now. And your comment about 'wanting to feel certain of him' rang true, as well. I believed that all my worries about the relationship would evaporate once we were married, because being married felt like such a powerful, important thing. But getting married sorts nothing, in fact it just magnifies the issues because your expectations of that person become even more intense, because you have so much invested in it all. We divorced after two years.

I'm not suggesting you should never marry him, or that he's a bad person in any way. But please don't rush into anything, and definitely don't marry him without living with him first. If he won't commit to that then I think you have your answer anyway.

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