Possible other woman. Don't know what to do

[kellovesorangesoda]

Name changed for this one. Where do I start.
Basically been with dh for 10 years. We have 2 dd's.
Over the last couple of weeks he has been talking to this woman who he said was just a friend. Fair enough. She even added me on facebook after I came in during one of their phonecall's and said hi. Basically I had a feeling something wasn't right so did a bit of snooping.
I found messages between them mainly innocent but they seemed very close considering the only met a few weeks ago through work.
Last night he said he was going to a friends house to check out his new xbox. This seemed strange as hes never mentioned this guy before. So off he went that night. I just had a feeling he was keeping something from me so went snooping again and found all messages between dh and this woman had been deleted.
I confronted him tonight, he lied at first but eventually told me that he had in fact been to her house. Then I found out he took her to the cinema last week too. Again he said he had gone with another friend.
He said nothings going on and they're just friends. He was at hers last night for about 2 hours. Even asking me for money for petrol to get there.
I've kicked him out. I don't know whether to believe him about whether anything happened or not. But he's lied to me repeatedly.
I don't know if i've done the right thing. Am I over reacting?

Definitely not over-reacting I'm afraid

If it was platonic then there would be no reason for him to lie about anything. I'm afraid that I don't believe for a moment that nothing has happened. But what I say doesn't matter - what is your gut feeling? I suspect I know what your gut feeling is, but please, please trust it. It hasn't let you down so far. Even if you feel that nothing has happened so far , him sneaking around behind your back shows that the intention is/was there.

As for asking for petrol money - WTAF? I'm so sorry Kel but he's a cocklodger. You probably feel completely raw - there is so much to take in and process - take your time, you are in control and you are the one calling the shots x

Your gut instinct is correct. This is a serious abuse of trust and he is clearly trying to hide his relationship with her.

He said there was nothing sexual going on and said he lied because I wouldnt let him go if he told me the truth. He said its exactly the same as when I go to my friends who happens to be a guy but is gay and getting married next year. It's not the same especially because I actually don't lie about where im going.
He thinks hes done nothing wrong but still deleted the messages that probably contained all the meeting up information. why the need to lie and delete messages.
I just don't know...
I feel stupid and numb. This isnt like him at all.

Sorry you're going through this.
No overreaction, he has to go. Take your time in processing this, and keep him away for now.
You may want to start looking at practicalities, like the house situation, financial security for you and your dcs etc, just to see where you stand right now.

He's probably in denial about the nature of their relationship and has convinced himself it's all fine because they haven't had sex yet but this is straight up unacceptable behaviour in a relationship, and you know it.
Sneaking around behind a partner's back is a step on the road to cheating and that's where he's headed if he's not already there. Good on you for kicking him out.

Agree with all the above. If he's not at it now, he's planning.or tempted to be.
Kicking him out is the right thing to.do. Well done brave girl! You deserve better.

Ps. As to his comment, i presume this girl is gay and in a civil partnership? No, thought not.

What a lying toad! You're definitely not overreacting and you have done the right thing!!

Oh op :( I'm so sorry...you must be feeling a million feelings and have thoughts whirring through your mind. You've done the best thing you could have done by asking him to go- you have given yourself time to think and reflect on it all.

He should never have lied and the fact he did suggests it was inappropriate or he would've told you- right? Also the deleted messages = hiding something.

Maybe nothing physical has happened but he certainly thought it was inappropriate enough to lie and cover his tracks.

If she's 'just a friend' he won't mind you calling her up will he? What kind of a woman would go to the cinema, alone with a married man? I've got plenty of guy friends but the most we would do is stop for a drink on the way home from work- they gave wives at home, why would they be taking a fake work colleague to the cinema??

• female...not fake??? Sorry...

He took her out on a DATE and you're asking if you're over-reacting?
He seems to be muddling himself up with a footloose and fancy-free teenager and no, it is NOT the same as you being mates with a gay guy.

Do not let him talk you round on this one. Although, remember that by kicking him out at this stage, he'll be hot-footing it straight round to hers.

Clam...agree with all you say except for the hot footing round to ow bit. We don't know this. He could've played it that op was 'cool' with them hanging out. He wouldn't necessarily turn up telling her what's happened. It depends how involved they were.

How u doing op?

Well, that would be one way to nip a budding romance firmly in the bud, anyway. She'd be horrified.

His dad has spoke to me, hes there. He was also saying dh is upset and hes a good guy and wouldnt cheat and I know it.
I dont know how I am. I dont know what to do. What do I tell the kids?
He thinks im being unreasonable kicking him out even saying "i hope your happy" to me
We usually have a great relationship. He works hard, hes a great dad. Theres never been any trust issues. Thats what makes this so hard, it's come out of nowhere.

Over the last couple of weeks he has been talking to this woman who he said was just a friend. Fair enough. She even added me on facebook after I came in during one of their phonecall's and said hi

So why the need to lie and sneak around?

The only reason anyone does that is to hide something they know they shouldn't be doing. If it's not sexual yet, it most certainly will be.

Also, ask him how he would feel/what he would conclude if it had been you that had acted this way.

I agree amum....by lying and deleting he has made himself seem guilty of something.

Unfortunately you don't know whether he's telling you truth now because you know he is capable of lying :(

As far as the kids go. Tell them that mummy and daddy have had an argument and you're a bit cross with each other and he's gone to stay with grandad for a bit. Or...if you want to at the mo just tell them he's gone to spend done time with g dad.

As far as you go...be kind to yourself. No big decisions at the moment. Take an hour at a time and get through today. Have you got a good friend who would come over tonight once kids in bed and talk it all through?

I don't think you are over-reacting. Another poster said upthread that he has taken the other woman on a date ffs!
Something I have noticed about men (what with being an old bird and all) is that they rarely do the 'honourable' thing by getting out of a relationship before getting into a new one. The getting out, seems to be something women do far more than men. The reasons for this are ? Weakness? Need to have a woman to do the background stuff they are so crap at? Who knows?
I suspect he is doing what millions of other men do. He's moving on to another but the edges are blurred. Others may disagree but this seems to be standard MO for a lot of men. I am sorry you are upset. He is treating you badly. Let her have the sleazebag, find someone better, he will do the same to her, he is a blurry edgey mover onerer-er!

I don't think you are over-reacting. Another poster said upthread that he has taken the other woman on a date ffs!
Something I have noticed about men (what with being an old bird and all) is that they rarely do the 'honourable' thing by getting out of a relationship before getting into a new one. The getting out, seems to be something women do far more than men. The reasons for this are ? Weakness? Need to have a woman to do the background stuff they are so crap at? Who knows?
I suspect he is doing what millions of other men do. He's moving on to another but the edges are blurred. Others may disagree but this seems to be standard MO for a lot of men. I am sorry you are upset. He is treating you badly. Let her have the sleazebag, find someone better, he will do the same to her, he is a blurry edgey mover onerer-er!

Soz about that, hit the button twice! Also want to say, she sounds a bit wrong headed as she must know he's married what with the facebook thing! As for the money for petrol thing, what a turd. I had a DP once (now ex) and he borrowed some money from me and I discovered he had used it to join Dateline (this was back in the days of yore before tinternet, Dateline was a dating agency all done with magazines, form filling etc. Can't imagine that now eh) What an arseloe!

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Even if it is entirely innocent, it's NOT appropriate to lie to your wife in order to spend quality platonic time with a female friend and by booting him out you have sent out a very clear message that you don't accept this kind of treatment.

Hope all goes well, OP.

Cheating is when a partner puts their wants above the needs of their partner.

If he has felt the need to hide this from you it's because he knows it's not what you would have wanted and do hide it to get his own way. He's put his wants above your needs.

This is entirely different in the conventional use of the word cheating and may well not have been sexual at all. Either way, that simply isn't the point, being married to me and my hubby is all about us trying to make the other happy, less about ourselves. Your husband is putting himself first and can't be trusted. After that comes the question of what he'd lie for in future and whether his fidelity is in question. The lying and going against what he knew you wouldn't want is enough to be a very serious problem in itself.

You have had some really good advice but the best is to listen to your gut feeling.

I wouldn't discuss it any more with your FIL. Saying he hopes you are happy is out of order. You have done nothing wrong! He clearly thinks you are meant to put up with your husband being a dick.

He needs to start taking responsibility for his behavior if he wants to move forward.

He has:
lied to you about where he was, what he was doing
Spent money on her (petrol. cinema tickets, ...) that he does not have and partly borrowed from you.
is blaming you, you are being unreasonable, he "had" to lie to you, .......
is playing the victim, "he's very upset", "he's a good guy", ........

If he wants to make amends and get the realtionship back on track he needs to stop acting like a petulant child.

Cheating does not mean having sex, cheating means lying. So yes, he has been cheating.

Also, he is only admitting to what he has to. If you had not found out he would still be 'dating' her.

Don't be a doormat, love

Tell your FIL to fuck off, this is none of his business

Why is your H hiding behind his daddy ?, what a fucking coward.

he is also a liar and a cheat. Send him on his way, let cinema-girl have him, what a booby prize he is