Possible other woman. Don't know what to do

[kellovesorangesoda]

Name changed for this one. Where do I start.
Basically been with dh for 10 years. We have 2 dd's.
Over the last couple of weeks he has been talking to this woman who he said was just a friend. Fair enough. She even added me on facebook after I came in during one of their phonecall's and said hi. Basically I had a feeling something wasn't right so did a bit of snooping.
I found messages between them mainly innocent but they seemed very close considering the only met a few weeks ago through work.
Last night he said he was going to a friends house to check out his new xbox. This seemed strange as hes never mentioned this guy before. So off he went that night. I just had a feeling he was keeping something from me so went snooping again and found all messages between dh and this woman had been deleted.
I confronted him tonight, he lied at first but eventually told me that he had in fact been to her house. Then I found out he took her to the cinema last week too. Again he said he had gone with another friend.
He said nothings going on and they're just friends. He was at hers last night for about 2 hours. Even asking me for money for petrol to get there.
I've kicked him out. I don't know whether to believe him about whether anything happened or not. But he's lied to me repeatedly.
I don't know if i've done the right thing. Am I over reacting?

He took her on a date to the cinema last week. He lied to you to do it.

He spent money on her. He borrowed money from you because he spent money on taking her out for the evening to go and see her again. He lied to you to do this.

It may be very early days in their relationship but please consider an STI test as I know what I would be after inviting a man back to mine after dates previous weeks.

For me, cheating means emotionally investing in someone else to the detriment of your relationship with your life partner.

And if FIL thinks this behaviour is ok, then he has probably been a cheater too, so his opinion doesn't count on this occasion.

You OH is telling you what he thinks is the bare minimum.needed to get you to forgive.

(1) wasnt with her that night
(2) ok I was with her but nothing happened
(3) well, I onpy didnt tel you because I knew you wouldnt be ok with it
(4) she fancies me but I dont fancy her
(5) she tried to kiss me but I pushed her away
(6) ok, we kissed once but it meant nothing
(7) look, she pursued me, I was flattered. If you showed me more affection I wouldnt go elsewhere
(8) we have been meeting, regularly, but are just friends
(9) weve done stuff but I was stupid and drunk. But we didnt sleep together
(10) ok, we slept together once but it meant nothing
(11) she is stalking ne
(12) she gives me the attention that you don't
(13) dont split our family up.over this
(14) I lover and she loves me

Its a slidng scale.

Find out every jot.of truth before you decide what to do.

Either FIL doesn't know the truth or he condones this behaviour however don't let FIl & H erode your boundaries.I can't see how anyone in a marriage would find this acceptable, its cruel to turn it into your problem.They are trying to make you appear unreasonable.

Your instincts are protecting you.I hope your H grows up and finds a way to admit and apologise for his behaviour.He is hoping he can persuade family that you're unreasonable so that you have to accept his lying behaviour. Its so cruel and selfish.

He may come to his senses but in the meantime do you have support you can lean on?

Fil has been told it from h's point of view and is supporting his son. I wouldn't expect any different from him tbh.
All h keeps saying is he's sorry that he lied to me and it was stupid. He has made a mistake but he hasn't done anything wrong and he just went there for a change and she's just a friend. Yea it's a change alright. He decieved his wife about seeing another woman twice. well I mean it could of been more, who knows! I feel I don't know him anymore. He's basically being honest about everything I know and everything else he's still lying to me. I don't believe a word he says anymore. I don't see a way back. If we don't have trust, we have nothing!

I wouldn't tell your H but I would message her asking if she has booked a STI test yet and then see what happens. If they haven't done anything then it will be obvious in her reply. If they have, same.

I would but I don't want to speak to her. I want nothing to do with her. I feel stupid enough already. I feel like ive been one big joke. I don't want to give her the impression that I care.
After I found out last night, I left for a bit to clear my head and think about what I would do. He phoned her and she promptly deleted me on facebook. He didnt ring me to see where id gone, he called her, to warn her I guess. Not sure why she lives on the other side of the city.

Hmm, performing damage limitation and covering his tracks already. If he's trying to protest his innocence he's sure acting the guilty party.

Hope you're ok, OP.

Op you know you are absolutely in the right here. Don't let him twist it around.

OK, I know that FB is the root of all evil , but if there was nothing going on they WTF would she immediately delete you? If there was nothing to hide then surely she wouldn't have done this - sounds very much like a guilty reaction.

And tell FIL to fuck off to the far side of fuck - he sounds like an utter nob. OK, so you would expect him to stand by his son, but to the point of telling you that you were wrong to chuck him out? Oh please. Possible problem with the genes?

Have you got any RL support? I'm so sorry to say that you're going to need it (that doesn't negate MN of course - the support on here is incredible) x

He really is a piece of work . Where is his loyalty to his wife and mother of his children?? . Phoning her to warn her. Getting him out was the best thing you could have done. Don't let him back. Even if you want too make him sweat first and it is HIM that has to work at things and make them right, not you.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I would ignore your fil too. He sounds like a whopper who will admit to no faults in his son.

You see, I just have no respect AT ALL for liars. Can't bear it. It just screams "weak character" to me and I don't think I could continue in a relationship where I'd lost that respect.

Have you ever known him lie about anything else or is this a first?

No ive never known him to lie to me before but now im doubting everything.

The deleting from Facebook and phoning her doesn't quite match his version of 'we're just friends' does it?

Op...I think you've been very, very strong so far. You've asked him to leave, you e not immediately contacted the ow...you sound shocked but ultimately in control.

keep strong and keep posting to help her your thoughts in order. If you don't want to post on here, get a good friend that'll help you through this. Keep talking about it and try to sort your thoughts into order. Don't rush though...do this in your time scale, of you don't want to talk to him for a week- make him wait.

Yeah, I have to say that "dating" a woman while you're married to someone else is generally not considered appropriate behaviour.

Well done you for chucking him out immediately. Of course he's not going to tell his father the whole truth. I'd bet money he didn't tell you the whole truth either.

The wisdom of Pratchett has a place everywhere. From the Book of Night Watch I quote:

Quirke: I will complain to the captain. You'll see. You'll see. I've got four years' good conduct, I have --
Vimes: No, that was four years' Not Found Out. Clear off.

And YY to the definition of cheating. It doesn't matter if sex has happened - he's lied to you to be with somebody else. That somebody could be male or hermaphrodite and from another planet - if he lied to do what he wanted, it's cheating.

I didn't just mean lying to you. What about to other people? You see, I don't think there's much of a leap from one to the other.

Pedant...brilliant quote.

And yes clam, my ex used to lie so easily to others and it made me uneasy. He cheated on me in the end. Very similar to ops story, think it was early days but lied nevertheless.

I agree with the definitions if cheating on this thread- investing emotionally elsewhere

Op- hope you're ok
X

There's no "possible" about it.

He's been dating this woman and lying to you about it.

Until he realised that, actually, he HAS done something wrong, you have nothing to talk about.

Is there any way deleted messages can be viewed? If want to see them and then decide how to move forward.

This is the very same as how my ex DP would behave. Women calling, meeting up with them. Id find out and it would be 'oh she's my friend i couldn't tell you cos you'd go mad '. I was so demented from it I would convince myself it was my fault. After many years of this (different women) he got friendly with another one. I even met her and liked her. One morning he told me it was over and I had to leave. No explanation. Several months later i logged into his email acct and found all the evidence. They were far more than friends. I even forwarded him one of his emails to her (talking about them having sex ) and he STILL denied it. We were together 11 years and it nearly killed me but finding out the truth about all these 'friends' ended up being what helped me move on. We didn't have kids so I appreciate it was a different situation however the principle is the same. They are not friends. Sorry OP.