Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possible other woman. Don't know what to do

89 replies

kellovesorangesoda · 24/11/2013 02:13

Name changed for this one. Where do I start.
Basically been with dh for 10 years. We have 2 dd's.
Over the last couple of weeks he has been talking to this woman who he said was just a friend. Fair enough. She even added me on facebook after I came in during one of their phonecall's and said hi. Basically I had a feeling something wasn't right so did a bit of snooping.
I found messages between them mainly innocent but they seemed very close considering the only met a few weeks ago through work.
Last night he said he was going to a friends house to check out his new xbox. This seemed strange as hes never mentioned this guy before. So off he went that night. I just had a feeling he was keeping something from me so went snooping again and found all messages between dh and this woman had been deleted.
I confronted him tonight, he lied at first but eventually told me that he had in fact been to her house. Then I found out he took her to the cinema last week too. Again he said he had gone with another friend.
He said nothings going on and they're just friends. He was at hers last night for about 2 hours. Even asking me for money for petrol to get there.
I've kicked him out. I don't know whether to believe him about whether anything happened or not. But he's lied to me repeatedly.
I don't know if i've done the right thing. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
kellovesorangesoda · 25/11/2013 09:16

I've let him back, albeit in the spare room. I didn't want the dc's to find out, or anyone else for that matter. Don't know how we can get past this. To everyone else everything is as it should be but for me it couldnt be more different.
He assures me nothing happened and he only sees her as a friend and she's got a dp and usually I would believe that but he's not going to tell me he slept with her, or if it was more than twice now is he! He's been honest about what he has to be and nothing more in my mind.Sad

OP posts:
clam · 25/11/2013 09:21

So, what assurances has he given re: the future? Is he going to carry on dating seeing her as a "friend?" Or do the decent honourable thing that any husband worth having would do, which is to stop all contact and make all his actions totally transparent to you, in order to try to gain back your trust.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 25/11/2013 09:27

So, you are sweeping this under the carpet ?

Big mistake, love Sad

EQ2Junkie · 25/11/2013 09:30

So what if she had a DP?

Your H has a wife. That hasn't stopped him lying about where he is going, who with and spending "your* money on this person with a DP.

Why is a DP which is supposidly less commitment than a wife going to reassure you when your H is a liar?

This is assuming it is the truth which your H is economical with.

Original poster
kellovesorangesoda · 25/11/2013 09:52

I don't know. He is still going to see her at work. He can't really avoid that. But he said he would never do anything stupid like this again. He doesn't see what he did as cheating. But accepts he lied. I see deception, deleting messages and alibis as cheating very much.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/11/2013 10:31

He thinks its fine to go out with other women? He thinks his only mistake is lying about it?
I can't see you putting up with this lying, cheating twat for long.

Mrscaindingle · 25/11/2013 10:39

Oh my heart sank a bit there when I saw you had let him back in Sad
I think it will be much harder for you to get some much needed head space while he is still there but I do appreciate that you're still in shock and not knowing what to do for the best.
Please get some RL support, online support can only help so much Flowers

mammadiggingdeep · 25/11/2013 15:59

Did he say why he lied? Did she lie to her dp? I agree it doesn't matter a jot that she has a dp. Op...please talk it through with a good friend. Keeping it to yourself isn't helpful. You need to make it real by discussing it. Do you have a really trustworthy friend to confide in? X

Original poster
kellovesorangesoda · 25/11/2013 17:35

He claims it was a spur of the moment thing and he didnt think ot was a big deal. She asked him on his way home from work so he rang me and told me he was going to a friends from work. (Won't say the guys name) coz he thought I wouldnt like it. Hmm
Makes me think what else he's lied about. I thought I knew him.
I may of let him back in but I havnt forgiven him and I will not be sweeping it under the carpet and he knows that.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/11/2013 17:40

What difference does spur of the moment make?

What about all the phone calls? The messaging? The deleting? His call to her? Her deleting you? Their secret trip to the cinema?

I wouldn't trust him for a second. I hope you're not having sex with this twat.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 25/11/2013 17:46

He's a liar, love. That's all you need to know Sad

clam · 25/11/2013 17:51

I too don't see how it being a spur of the moment thing makes it any better. Not when added to all the (now deleted) texts. If it was all so innocent, why delete them? Just where did he think all this was going to end up?

BeforeAndAfter · 25/11/2013 17:51

If the deleted messages were on an iPhone go into messages then use the search bar at the top (use her first name) and it should show you those texts, where he's used her name, deleted or not. Presumably there will be plenty of messages without her name used so you'll need to get creative with search words - maybe cinema, 'last night', sexy etc. I think the new iPhone 5 no longer caches deleted texts but worth a try.

For deleted emails Outlook allows you to recover those too. Check your help index for that one.

I feel for you - been there, got the T-Shirt and the decree absolute.

Good luck OP!

clam · 25/11/2013 18:07

Re: a cinema trip with someone else, the only way I can see this happening with dh and me is if there was a film I really didn't want to see and he did, in which case he might say, "OK, I'll see if so-and-so (male or female) is up for it. We doing anything Tuesday?" That's healthy. Your bloke's way is not.

Original poster
kellovesorangesoda · 25/11/2013 18:18

He does have an iphone so I will check but doubt ill find anything as I think all the messages were sent over facebook. but like you said it's worth a try.
Exactly I would of gone to see that film with him and if i didnt and he told me he would see if she wanted to go. There wouldnt of been an issue. I'm not the bunny boiler type.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 25/11/2013 18:20

I think it's the way he has gone about hiding things....I don't think you are over reacting at all. Hope u ok x

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 25/11/2013 18:25

You certainly are not the BB type

You are far too accepting, IMO

OneMoreChap · 25/11/2013 18:43

I would guess he was flattered; lied because a) he was ashamed or b) was rumbled.

If you've had him back some serious conversations about boundaries need to be discussed.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 25/11/2013 18:46

How grim to have to educate your husband that taking OW out for dates and then lying about it is crossing a boundary Sad

OneMoreChap · 25/11/2013 18:48

MistAllChuckingFrighty very grim. Tbh I was a bit Shock OP took him back

Noctilucent · 25/11/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphacourse · 25/11/2013 19:02

You can retrieve all messages from Facebook - they package them up (even deleted ones) and send all activity logs to the email account it is registered to. If he has nothing to hide he will show them to you wouldn't he?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/11/2013 19:06

In this instance, I see no need for detective work. She knows what he is already surely. He dates other women.

BeforeAndAfter · 25/11/2013 19:17

He may have archived them rather than delete so he can savour them as and when (cynical or what?...) Click messages, click more and select archived to view.

amumthatcares · 25/11/2013 21:24

Surely a 'spur of the moment' arrangement is when you decide to do something there and then - not then go home to your wife, concoct some cock and bull story about not only going to another mates house but to 'check out his x-box' and then asking DW for money to go with. But, lets just say we give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was spur of the moment. What about the date to the cinema the previous week? That must have been well planned. Which film, what time, he concocts another load of bullshit to tell DW, she concocts a load of bullshit to tell her DP....no spur of the moment there...just an awful lot of lies and deceit.