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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I get him to say sorry?

108 replies

birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 15:13

My DH never says sorry. Whenever we have a row or I pull him up on something, he immediately launches into a list of my "crimes", the upshot of which means I'm not allowed to criticise him. So this morning for example, he unfairly shouted at me as he was running late & stressed. I told him he was being unfair. He told me he I was grumpy in the morning so should "get over myself".

It happens over and over. I will happily confess to not being perfect. I don't actually nag him. And when I am wrong I say sorry & try and change my behaviour as a result. But he never does. He won't take responsibility for his own behaviour and just deflects all the time by trotting out a long long list of all the things I've ever done wrong.

I have tried tackling him when we're not arguing but he does the same. He can't see it. And it doesn't help that I've got to the point now that I quickly lose my temper when he does it- which he then twists into me being hysterical. I'm not but I am so fed up. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to question our relationship - over something that should be so small. I feel so bloody lonely.

If you've read this far, do you have any advice?

OP posts:
killpeppa · 21/11/2013 15:21

dont want to read and run.
no advice as my ex was like this and for various readons hes an ex so we never resolved the issue.

hope someone can helpThanks

sweetheart · 21/11/2013 15:23

I have no idea but will be reading this to get some ideas as my dh never says sorry either! I've told him it's a major fault of his over and over but still nothing changes!

Original poster
birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 15:27

Ah well at least I'm not alone SmileHe just doesn't understand how hurtful it is, and that it's not about "winning" and "losing".

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 21/11/2013 15:28

You can't get him to see sorry, because he doesn't consider himself to be in the wrong. Ever.

And it doesn't help that I've got to the point now that I quickly lose my temper when he does it- which he then twists into me being hysterical.

My ex used to do this. Quite controlling and manipulative.

The only advice I have is to continue questioning your relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 15:29

Advice, yes. He is a bully. Bullies never admit they are wrong, never say sorry and never take responsibility for the effect their behaviour has on others. They twist things around, blame anyone but themselves and then they USE all of this to keep their victim nicely under control. 'I say sorry & try and change my behaviour as a result'.... kerching!

This isn't a small thing at all. You're right to question the relationship. A bully with no humility is not someone you should plan to waste any of your life with.

pinkpeony · 21/11/2013 15:30

exh was like this too - with him it was definitely part of being emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. that is why he is now ex.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 21/11/2013 15:36

Are you married to my ex? Even after I left him and he was begging me to go back he was listing the reasons why everything was my fault, and he was a saint for putting up with it. Your DH will never change, you'll have to learn to live with it I'm afraid, or do what I did in the end.

loopylouu · 21/11/2013 15:39

No advice but my dh is the same.

No matter what it is, it's my fault, e.g if he's spoken to me rudely, it's my fault because I didn't give him all the facts etc.

I have given up no to be honest, life is just easier if I nod and agree. Half the time I just block him out.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/11/2013 15:46

You could try telling him how weak it makes him look that he can't bear to admit when he is wrong.

That being wrong and insisting you are right just makes you look like a ridiculous fool and it is deeply unsexy that he isn't man enough to ever apologise.

Original poster
birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 15:50

The thing is, he's not a bully. He's lovely, well mostly, and we used to be such good friends. I am no pushover and I call him out when he's being unreasonable or passive aggressive (which he is). He hates arguments but I prefer to get things out in the open. He seems to hold a grudge - last row we had he told me off for something that happened ten years ago (& which he hadn't told me about at the time). I laughed at him because it was so ridiculous and he eventually admitted he'd just said it in the heat of the moment. Argh I don't know. He used to be kind and patient and then we had kids. They get the good side of him & I get the rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 15:53

I'm dreading tonight. He won't look at me, he won't speak to me. Last time we rowed he made dinner... For himself and none for me. He's that petty, and we'll only make up if I apologise or give in and pretend that this morning never happened. I'm so sick of it.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/11/2013 15:55

Personally I couldn't be with a man that was never in the wrong and wasn't big enough to admit when he was - to me it would actually make me mistrust him, it would also make me feel like he was demeaning me, as if my viewpoint didn't count, only his.

As you've tried to tell him, I'm not really sure what else you can do apart from put up.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/11/2013 15:56

"He won't look at me, he won't speak to me. Last time we rowed he made dinner... For himself and none for me. He's that petty, and we'll only make up if I apologise or give in and pretend that this morning never happened."

So what you're saying is, he IS a bully?

gamerchick · 21/11/2013 15:57

So don't. Let him sulk.. enjoy the peace or tell him to piss off and sulk somewhere else until he's over it.

It's the only way to deal with a sulker Imo.

DIYapprentice · 21/11/2013 16:00

So he's going to ignore you now? Let him. Make sure you get yourself something nice for dinner, and eat it yourself. Get yourself a good book, have a relaxing bath, maybe even go out with some friends. If he wants to be a child, let him.

If he sees that you won't be manipulated by his behaviour anymore you just MIGHT get some improvement. If not, then you need to more than just question your relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 16:00

Bullies can be lovely people when they are not being challenged. Being the victim of a bully doesn't mean you are a pushover or that you never stand up to them. He rants, twists, sulks & accuses rather than apologise. You say yourself the only way the situation is resolved is by you apologising, giving in or ignoring the unreasonable behaviour. Call it what you will but he is succeeding in manipulating your response by being unreasonable.

Keep standing up to him at every turn and don't back down. If it means he petulantly makes his own supper for a month, so be it.

TurnipCake · 21/11/2013 16:01

I wouldn't even be generous enough to call someone 'mostly lovely' who treats you with utter contempt.

Your choices boil down to choosing to live with it, or not. You can't change his behaviour.

Vivacia · 21/11/2013 16:06

I think that there's more going on here than just a reluctance to say sorry. You could have somebody who found it difficult to apologise and yet who didn't put all of the blame on you, gets petty revenge, is hurtful and who gets aggressive.

Original poster
birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 16:13

I can't just ignore him though as basically he would never back down so unless we carry on ignoring each other for ever, it's always down to me to break the deadlock. I work most nights (from home) so it's no real loss to sort myself out but I don't see the point of behaving like a twat to make a point. Trouble is, I can't make my point either as its always my fault. Sorry I'm being crap, I appreciate what you're all saying, I just don't know what to do. Surely there must be some way out of this?

OP posts:
jasmineramsden · 21/11/2013 16:13

This sounds rotten OP, I could stand it if my DP would ln admit fault. Your H has a rather inflated opinion of himself doesn't he?
I'd agree with the previous poster who suggested saying that a lack of willingness to apologise when in the wrong makes him look like a very weak person

jasmineramsden · 21/11/2013 16:13

....indeed. (Posted too soon) x

jasmineramsden · 21/11/2013 16:14

Couldn't stand it, I meant! Bloody IPhone

Jan45 · 21/11/2013 16:14

I think you backing down hasn't helped the situation, he knows you will so is happy to sulk until you make the first move.

Unless you stand your ground this time, nothing will change.

You are standing your ground not to win an argument but to show him that you've had enough of it.

Original poster
birdsnotbees · 21/11/2013 16:15

He doesn't have an inflated opinion of himself, quite the opposite. He's quite depressed and insular. He had a rotten family, dad who emotionally abused him. He's not some big macho man who stomps about, he's very gentle and shy. And also a total douchebag when it comes to saying sorry.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 21/11/2013 16:16

If he's going to spend the evening stonewalling you until you capitulate, don't go home. Go out with some friends for dinner instead.

I would consider why he is your 'd'h, as he doesn't sound very dear to me. I HATE adults who think this kind of manipulation is acceptable.

When you discuss it, concentrate on the issue in hand and when he goes off on a tangent, point out what he's doing and tell him it's irrelevant to the current discussion.