How can I get him to say sorry?

[birdsnotbees]

My DH never says sorry. Whenever we have a row or I pull him up on something, he immediately launches into a list of my "crimes", the upshot of which means I'm not allowed to criticise him. So this morning for example, he unfairly shouted at me as he was running late & stressed. I told him he was being unfair. He told me he I was grumpy in the morning so should "get over myself".

It happens over and over. I will happily confess to not being perfect. I don't actually nag him. And when I am wrong I say sorry & try and change my behaviour as a result. But he never does. He won't take responsibility for his own behaviour and just deflects all the time by trotting out a long long list of all the things I've ever done wrong.

I have tried tackling him when we're not arguing but he does the same. He can't see it. And it doesn't help that I've got to the point now that I quickly lose my temper when he does it- which he then twists into me being hysterical. I'm not but I am so fed up. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to question our relationship - over something that should be so small. I feel so bloody lonely.

If you've read this far, do you have any advice?

Sounds a lot like my parents' marriage. It used to drive DM to distraction - she was always the one to say sorry, in order to smooth things over, regardless of actual 'fault'. But it was never a reciprocal apology, and it has unquestionably damaged their (very long) marriage. Weirdly, he says it now... I nearly fell over backward when he accidentally whacked my hand with his knuckle walking past me earlier this year - and apologised!

Does your DH apologise to your DCs? Mine was never able to, even if he hurt me. It was damaging. And I couldn't understand it, and used to cry, 'Why won't you say sorry?' As a little child, you are very seriously taught about the importance of 'sorry' by all the adults around you... and I never heard the word from DF.

DH and I are hilarious - we are the king and queen of sorry! It was an issue which came up our pre-marriage counselling - yes, that's how damaging it was to me as a child. Now it's very: 'I'm sorry, love.' 'What for? You haven't done anything.' 'No, just sorry you're feeling low, etc.' It's become a lovely expression of empathy between us, as well as a critical expression of personal responsibility for our individual behaviour towards the other person in the relationship.

I'm so sorry your DH behaves like this toward you, I know it hurts very badly, and hope he is not doing the same to your DCs.

Unfortunately, whilst Op is researching how to get counselling help for her husband and he doesn't believe he needs help it's a non-starter.

What worked with my DH was really spelling it out to him.

So basically when he started listing my faults or mistakes, I'd agree (when he was right) and explain that I'd said sorry for those things st the time. Then I'd list the examples of x,y and z where I'd done something wrong, I recognised it was unacceptable and apologised for it. These should be recent things that he remembers.

Then I'd go back to what my current issue with him was and ask him why he couldn't just ever accept he was wrong, rude, whatever and apologise.

He thought about that for a little while and then did apologise.

I guess you may need to repeat the exercise a few times to get anywhere.

Also, as you do with the DCs, it may be worth making a big deal of it anytime you do apologise so that it's being reinforced to him, and so it sticks in his mind for when you use it as an example later!

If he hasn't been brought up to apologise, he may simply not understand the process. Or may even think it is showing weakness to apologise.

Good luck OP. Don't be totally disheartened.

" he can be so adamant that I haven't said sorry, that I haven't tried to put things right, that I begin to question not my sanity but his.

It's like he lives in a parallel universe, and the woman he lives with is not me."

Oh yeah. I know that feeling. Ds's dad sounds very similar to your husband. On the surface, a mild mannered, reasonable guy, but actually he is a bully who is never, ever wrong. In an argument we would both shout and say things (ok thats never good) but then, rather than letting it cool down, he would follow me round the house, putting his face in mine and calling me names, even when I kept asking him to stop and leave me alone.
The thing is, he is a deeply inadequate failure of a man, who has a weird combination of total arrogance (that he is more intelligent than everyone else) coupled with low self esteem because he is actually not a very functional adult.
After he had backed me into corners etc (and I once called his mum to try and get him to stop, I was in such a panic and feeling so trapped) he would immediately switch to being patronising and sneery, and tell me I was hysterical (which I was by then!) and a maniac.
To this day, I truly believe that he thinks he is a victim of my insanity, even though every single person I know can't understand why I was so charitable towards him (and they didn't know the half of it.)
I have come to understand that actually, he is mentally ill, and, while I may lose my temper, at least I can rationally assess where I was in the wrong. He cannot do this. He won't change.
I hope this is not sounding too familiar to you OP, because if it is, then I am sorry, but he won't change. He probably can't, and if you continue with this, then you are going to end up feeling like the crazy one, which I do not think you are at all.

you cant change his behaviour
only yours
how you react.

what does saying sorry resolve anyway? unless it is in the moment - eg you accidentlaly bump into him you say sorry, you both mvoe on.

you say "you forgot to take the bins out" (as you both had agreed he would) he says sorry i forgot - will do it now. you move on.

bringing up the things you did last week last year - that is bullying.

getting him to apologise wont resolve the isues or stop him doing it.

if you saying that if he says sorry he can do whatever he likes...

go to some counselling on your own

Regarding apologies-I finally came to my senses when ds's dad pulled this shit in front of ds. I realised that I didn't want my son to ever see anyone speaking to me like that again. Interestingly, after that incident, there was a week when ds used a really disrespectful tone with me, and had to be reprimanded pretty sharply. He was learning how to respond to me. Particularly my "nagging" (e.g please brush your teeth), as his dad would respond to ANY simple request by angrily saying "Oh for Gods sake" and if I countered by repeating what I had said, he would shout over me about "incessant nagging".
This man has never, ever apologised to ds, for shouting, calling me names, scaring him.
That is actually the worst thing, and it makes me very sad, because ds is a wonderful kid and deserves a proper dad.

Bird, I think unfortunately, many children do take after their parents. I always try to do my best not to behave like my mum. My dad has always been a bully but my mum has her own issues which she does not see. When my PILs here I can see how my DH is similar to his DF. I told my DH that he is similar to his dad in behaviour. He did not behave like that before marriage. It all started coming out after that. What makes me angry about my DH that he will apologise but he will do it again.
So it could be that your DH has taken after his father. Another thing that if his father made him a scapegoat most of the time then your DH would have this deffensive attitude inside him. He needs to see when he is wrong.
I would also advise not to be over grumpy in the morning as this is not a good start before going to work. I also would not say sorry if he does not. If he questions why you have not apologised yet, ask him when was the last time he did. I would also write down for yourself what has made you angry and what him. Good luck!